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Thread: For He's a Jolly Good Fellow.

  1. #1
    Mikey B
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    For He's a Jolly Good Fellow.

    For He's a jolly good fellow,For he's a jolly good fellow
    For he's a jolly good fellow....And nobody can deny.


    When the lies surfaced from within the grins turned to frowns...
    For years this man's peers were played as clowns
    Known by many as a respectable individual with a sucessful creed
    Helping those in need...overcomed by the glum of greed
    An evil seed planted by the parents of a shifty life
    His faher was a hardworking man who settled for a depedalled, filthy wife
    In Spite....
    Of his extensive securities and unshakable success, and even godly provision
    But at first taste of the nightlife-He cast aside his religion
    Diligant man turned to a pillaging handler of a pan
    Lost all traces of his plan..Drunken night's, failing to stand
    The things he acquirred were grand
    Women of any stature...and money beyond comprehension
    Even opened a store..
    Lost in the sign on the door..What a neon contradiction..
    Met a lady and they married, what a life did he lead, Exposing diamonds from the mud
    Then his money fizzled out, and his debts were payed with blood
    After he lost his life his wife gave birth to a son..
    Rich in heritage, but his state of emergency was second to none
    After a bit the mother died, Fried by a life of poor choices
    She left this world, a tarnished pearl in the essence of few voices
    The son was advancing in life...Rebuilding his fathers failures
    Re-opened the store...All the neccesities and more for sailors
    Currency and respect began to rise, a renowned member of society
    Highly likely the biggest contributor to the community, Soon to be the essence of notoriety
    On the outside was a man....Happy and indiscreet
    But internally an inferno was burning...suffering from defeat
    He began to lose his money, in the fashion of his father
    He could've earned it back, but the wary man didn't bother..
    Even without money he still "Seemed" to be a normal man
    But what seemed to be was actually a Seamlessly abnormal plan
    worked like a slave to gain this state of recognition
    But over the years tears shifted gears in the expedition...
    He tried to keep his image but it slowly slipped
    with every sip, and every liqour bottle that he tipped
    And every women that he invited in and then gave them a "Gift"
    Lost in the ways of a destiny in which he was on the losing team
    But you know in this world even fool's can dream
    He finally lost it one day and told a certain man....
    "That you all were Mistaken, for you know not who I am."

    For He's a jolly good fellow,For he's a jolly good fellow
    For he's a jolly good fellow....And nobody can deny.
    Last edited by MISTA GRIM; April 26th, 2006 at 12:22 AM

  2. #2
    Mikey B
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    Links on the way.............

  3. #3

  4. #4
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    well whack title i must say for starters.wtf......

    neway..joint starts and is flowing good....nice vocabs......decent multies......good imagery..structure was coo....worded well.....i prefer to see a bit more descriptive angles on the people involved if there's gonna be a story tho. like perhaps a name or two. or a description of people involved in the plot.......instead of it being about just some man , or woman that i know nothing about.........could of done perhaps with a touch more visual imagery. but all in all a nice write f'sho

    stay 1

  5. #5
    Mikey B
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    Rise.........thanks ninja red

  6. #6
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    I don't know, I think I'm going to have to disagree with ninja. I think the way that you told the story leaves a lot of room for interpretation and character growth. Instead of just giving us a limit on who characters are you allowed us to connect the dots and personalize our own. I'm not quite sure if my opinion was your initial goal, but thats what I took from it. As far as mechanics go you pretty much had it on lock, everything from your slipper flow to your smooth cooning transitions were on point, not to mention your choicey and even at times poetic wordplay were something to be admired - your lyrics were storng, and the story was interesting. However, I must admit your title is probably the best thing about the entire piece...lol...it just catches your attention and makes you want to see what its about. All in all this was a very well written piece. Great job!

    Favorite lines:
    Then his money fizzled out, and his debts were payed with blood
    After he lost his life his wife gave birth to a son..

    ^Now that was ill....wow



    Peace.

  7. #7
    Mikey B
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    thanks man.

  8. #8
    Elite.-
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    nice vocab.... good multies.... decent flow.... imagery was str8 .... liked the structure.... i agree with legendz not to much information leaves room for imagination and wondering.... thatz just me i liked the title it caught me cuz most would say this was a gay ass title but it was str8 good lookz fam.... keep it up-

    Lost in the ways of a destiny in which he was on the losing team
    But you know in this world even fool's can dream
    He finally lost it one day and told a certain man....
    "That you all were Mistaken, for you know not who I am."

    liked that
    scytsophrenia

  9. #9
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    nice piece bro i seem to really enjoy you writings i never leave feed on peoples stuff but i do read and seem to enjoy yours bro good vocab and imagery and good use of multies to and a good flow i just like the way you incorporate so much imagery and it looks as if you put alot of time into your writings, keep writing bro

  10. #10
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Okay let me start by saying, this was a good piece...

    Your multis added a nice effect to the piece, and you seemed to have really good imagery with-in your lines, imagery to me is very important when trying to enjoy a read, but you seemed to keep my interested throughout the topic, i wasn't too keen on the topicc title, but once i began reading i found myself getting into it and enjoying reading... you had very good internalsinyour work, and the lines flowed with ease, which is nice to see, i've seen a fair few pieces of your stuff, and always enjoyed themm, but i must say this may be my favorite so far, wwell done and keep up the good work.
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  11. #11
    Mikey B
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    Thanks man.....Preciate it and i left feed on yours as well....

  12. #12
    Mikey B
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    Up......1

  13. #13
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    The usual multiplying style of yours was abundant here, and the he's a jolly good fellow nursery song/rhyme was used creatively to creat a om that not only has depth but allows the reader to expand the character in their imagination. Nothing much i can say cept that this has the Mista Grim style all over it....good work ma dog keep it up

    Check this if you can, preciate it

    Lil Suzie
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289261

  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Baby-GStyle's's Avatar
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by MISTA GRIM
    Links on the way.............
    HEY BABE WATZ GOOD LATELY I'VE MISSED YA IM BACK

  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mc pyro.'s Avatar
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    this was very good throuh out the whole peice which was very original and unique flow, rhymes, word play, structure, and vocab were consistant the flow went right along with the topic and seemed to have high and low points to add to the story the rhymes were great, great rhyme scheme by the way kept that comin perfectly the wordplay was good especilly at the end that last line was dope the structure stayed the same through out the peice and was complex and the vocab was good saw some big words in there so overall great peice stay up
    leave feed on my om pureness
    hit up these om's wit some feed

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