The Survivor

[Witty]

The smell of charred wood fills my nostrils, I jump back in revolt
My eyes scan this barren land, I want to jump back on the boat
As my once violently pulsating heart beat, is mercilessly broke
My dehydration peals at my existence, resistant to hopes
Lost, distant I poke, through the reminiscence and probe
My mind, to try to find, the reason I, have crossed the globe

Surely this isn’t my land of dreams, my anticipated paradise?
No sign of life, nor death it seems, I feel I’m an isolated parasite
The only survivor from my heroic team, which fled to freedom over night
The wind whips upon me as if to disagree, with my solemn and lonely plight
My demise is affirmative, with no sources of life, I will soon diminish
The next time I sleep will be permanent, I dream of my child hood village

The mud houses we lived in, the demonic symbols on the wall
I have fled for my religion, but for my religion I will fall
My captors have lost, but Satan himself has made me crawl
To the deepest pit of society, so I write my memoirs with a scrawl
Over this blood stained skin, of a large beast recently mauled
I have to eat the rotten flesh, or else eat nothing at all

The tantalizing colours of the sunset drown my eyes with sorrow
As I accept that my declining life, will be gone by tomorrow
I run my fingers along the stones that protrude from this cave
I have never been so alone, as I proceed to dig my own grave
I lay in this pit, close my eyes, try to rest my soul and sleep
Seconds before my life has quit, I remember my home and weep
*Documenter speaks*
“The man who wrote these memoirs was never found, he is believed to have survived
Personally I think he’s gone…………..what’s that? I can’t believe my eyes!!!!!’

The documenter disappeared………….just vanished from view
Stay clear from here….the survivor could be waiting for you

[Witty]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...81#post4293681
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285903

[Ben A. Newly-Rayped]

Surely this isn’t my land of dreams, my anticipated paradise?
No sign of life, nor death it seems, I feel I’m an isolated parasite
The only survivor from my heroic team, which fled to freedom over night
The wind whips upon me as if to disagree, with my solemn and lonely plight

my fav part there^

flow::: very good couldve been better but its still really good
wordplay::: pretty good it was off at times but eh its cool
vocab:::blah it was nice i have seen u do better lmao
topic::: good topic not my fav to read lmao but u stayed on all thru so it was really good but not HOF

[Witty]

aight thanks.....but I think this was a lot better than 'Psycho' which you nominated for HOF

[J-Crimez]

i think this should be nominated for HOF. this piece was a sure masterpiece. it had everything. good imagery and good vocab. ur wordplay on here was absolutely flawless. i dont mean to sound like im gay but this piece was beautiful. u gettin hella props on this OM homey

[Witty]

aight thanks dude...uppin for feed.

[BKPANTHA POET]

Good Line Bro..... I Like The Way U Was Real Descriptive. I Felt Like I Was There.. Keep It Up Yo.

Check Out My Verse
Black Panther Poetry

Give Me Some Feed Back

Stay Up!!

[Witty]

aight word uppin.

[Witty]

uppin

[Witty]

uppin.

[Poeta Demonio]

Okay this was a very good piece, the descriptions used were very vivid and painted a good picture worthy of a read in my head, this made the imagery stand out above all, i don't even think you ment to use that much description, it merely came out naturally, which i always find is the best way for it to be demonstrated... your vocbulary was very complex in some places, threw your flow of slightly, which is not needed, remember multis can come out better with more simplistic words, not idiotic words but shorter words, therfor keepoing the flow and structure neat and tidy, i know it' an audio componet but it works very well if you get i correct... your flow in most places was very well in total though, thus keeping me interested from line to line, that;s important in a piece (for obvious reasons)... and i thought you kept grasp of your readeers attention very well throughout... at first i wasn't to kean on your topic choice, you know way to played and used... but you manged to flip in into your own style and make it your own... that for me made the piece as a whole...

Very well done, just you need to learn how to use multi's more effectively, that is what will transform your work in excellent instead of good... but i think you should sign up for SS as long as you take it seriously and drop like this every time you have a battle, i think you should do relatively well, and if you did join, you'd elevate like crazy, as you'd be around people that will help ypu adapt your style and improve certain areas of your pieces... but as i said on the whole, very well done.

[Bounce]

Not bad, you had a good read here.

Imagery stood out more than anything else, you really did good on the discription and detail. Word choice was decent, there were a few areas that I thought could have been elevated. Vocab worked, but better word choice would have helped your emotion come through and also your rhyme scheme. There were a few areas in which I thought would be perfect for a multi-string. so, in terms of complexity this could use a little work, but for the most part you did a good job. You told a nice story with an original twist on the concept. You can work out some of the choppyness in flow by weaving better strings of multis in, and maybe a few lines with some assonance to help balance the peice out. I see much potential behind those lines, so keep at it...

[Witty]

thanks mate,it's much appreciated...oh an dtryouts are closed for SS....I'll try and join when they open again.

[Witty]

Not bad, you had a good read here.

Imagery stood out more than anything else, you really did good on the discription and detail. Word choice was decent, there were a few areas that I thought could have been elevated. Vocab worked, but better word choice would have helped your emotion come through and also your rhyme scheme. There were a few areas in which I thought would be perfect for a multi-string. so, in terms of complexity this could use a little work, but for the most part you did a good job. You told a nice story with an original twist on the concept. You can work out some of the choppyness in flow by weaving better strings of multis in, and maybe a few lines with some assonance to help balance the peice out. I see much potential behind those lines, so keep at it...

thanks man.....I'ma use every last scrap of feed I get becuase I really enjoy writing and I'm desperate to elevate .

[Poeta Demonio]

thanks man.....I'ma use every last scrap of feed I get becuase I really enjoy writing and I'm desperate to elevate .

Just read through other peoples pieces and use that to make an origional style for yourself dude.