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Thread: A Letter From A Soldier

  1. #1
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    A Letter From A Soldier


    these rhymes paint vivid pictures, of torturous figgas
    stuck on the battlefield, battlin sum venomous niggas
    no one cares about they minds, sand covers they face as they lay
    not lettin the enemy know of their position, prayin for another day
    the faces of the Iraqis, remind them that they are the civil enemy
    so they load em with clips until they empty, doin their mission completely
    persident said weapons of mass destruction gon leave america with no future
    but is this shit worth it? we seein inncocent civilians goin thru torture
    nigga i Iraq is kinda like hell, not the average oversea paradise vacation
    they speak native tongues, and AK-47 is in teenagers every day vocation
    we major but we still fear, that our souls will evaparate or disapear
    its never clear, cuz the sky is the same color as the sand and sum beer
    im lost in the predictament of should i kill or save innocent casualties
    cuz niggas is killin visously, and makin muthafuckin brutal fatalites
    its not a for malitlity, its just the way that they happen to live
    and as a U.S. soldier, im over here to protect the lives of the kids
    bush said they war is almost, i pray that he didnt just tell us a lie
    cuz while he was out playin golf, mah best friends fuckin had to die
    morpein shots are what we use to heal all of the pain and destruction
    i mean lives are constantly on deduction, but blood rises up like eruptions
    i swear to god man this is mah letter to u mom, i hope u get this soon
    cuz i may not make until the next morning or sundeay afternoon
    so mami if u happen to get this, dont write back ill probably be dead
    these are mah real struggles, not fables that only exist in mah head

    link 1
    link 2
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  2. #2
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    uppin number 1
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  3. #3
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    okay a simple peice not too productive... vivid imagery it was okay not the best i've seen the structure was really terrible... but the poem overall was nice you had emotion it was a nice lil peice was feelin the whole concept maybe we should do a collab sometime... other than that the wordplay was meh soso vocab was okay overall good piece keep it up

    NENA
    scytsophrenia

  4. #4
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    we can do a "collabo" anytime..thanks for the feedback
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    this was alright...it was very simple,and I felt you could have used more complex vocab,and you didn't create enough imagery in it your drop....but you look like you have some potential....go check out the topical tutorials..they will help you elevate big time........
    leave feed on my OM 'The Survivor'

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  6. #6
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    ok uppin
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  7. #7
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    oh and another thing.......

    the first two lines:
    these rhymes paint vivid pictures, of torturous figgas
    stuck on the battlefield, battlin sum venomous niggas

    could be reworded...and spelt properly:
    these rhymes I scrawl,paint vivid pictures, of torturous figures
    as they remain on the battlefield, fighting venomous niggers

    although I don't think the 'niggers' part suits this peice
    you could have said:
    as they remain on the battlefield,fingers sore from pulling triggers

    Bounce once told me that wording can be the difference between good and dope,and I agree with him.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  8. #8
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    yeah i see what u sayin about that wordin thing...yo OM the survivor was a classic. im bou to nominate it for HOF
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    aight word thanks dude......yo read the OM tutorials...they'll help you elevate alot....they helped me big time.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  10. #10
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    ok im bout to read them....uppin for sum more feedback
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  11. #11
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    uppin
    JasonMarioCavalawno

  12. #12
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    uppin this piece

  13. #13
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    Closed. First link didn't work and you upp'ed it too much.

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