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Thread: The Other Side Of The Gate

  1. #1
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    The Other Side Of The Gate


    they talkin twenty to fourty, he twenty bout time he fourty his son will be twenty
    he missed half of his life, an he might be getting out cuz they said twenty to fourty
    which means he's doing twenty, if he not bad could be for fourty
    one momma two lil brother's, one baby momma two shawty's
    no pop's an he the oldest, his family starvin an hungry his momma n two shawty's
    baby momma an two brother's they all depend on him so he hustle rock an he chop it,
    it's not that he wanna it's just that he gotta provide for the fam his plan is feeding his fam
    his mom don't understand his love...unconditional..he feel like a man
    his heart way to big, his love you won't understand got damn this nigga lion hearted
    he wrather die than see his people starvin or sit in a cage untill the day he pass away
    he got mad casses for an a half, two fire arm's, three onion, an he violated probation
    then thay snatched him gun an his vest on him, now the fed's on him talking twenty to fourty
    .
    .
    .
    look in his face he tired an sick, can't hold the wait
    he bout to break he on his third year up state
    so what's next, the end of his day's he gotta sit in a cage
    he'll never see the other side of the fence
    Last edited by Philly®; January 6th, 2006 at 02:19 PM

  2. #2
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    Last edited by Philly®; January 6th, 2006 at 02:19 PM

  3. #3
    Chemo sick Plexus's Avatar
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    ive seen better from ya philly......but this was str8....the flow was aight...your lines were extremly stretched if the font was reg...so shoirten your lines get more to the point...but the first 5 lines all semmed to say basically the exact same thing....you coulda had the same meaning of those 5 lines in one 1 and added more to this....the endin was meh...nuthin to special but was ok....add more multies to your piece as well

    overall id give it a 6/10...keep it up
    Monster's Ink

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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    worst vocab ive ever seen.......

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    "I rap like no one out there can fuck with me"


    i gave you honest feed, so be honest with me
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  5. #5
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    lmao at tryna get on me cuz i dissed your peice.....mines better.....n ima audio head.....blah

    thx for the feed tum....and the first lines aren't saying the same....look closely

    n wack to the kid from 04....

    * agree's with johnny 6 feet*

  6. #6
    Chemo sick Plexus's Avatar
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    aight well the first 3 lines you coulda conjoined together and shortened and the 4th and 5th line you coulda done the same

    and wow at this unwritten kid hatin on everyones pieces wen his is worse then em all

    and dont say shit kid

    cuz id whore you

    ya philly

    wait i didnt say that lol
    Monster's Ink

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  7. #7
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    word thx.......ima go feedback ya om

  8. #8
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    feedback....././///

  9. #9
    God's Deciple
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    Well i liked the way you kept the flow and the multies were there but you were using the same rhymes for it.The vocab coulda been better,and you didnt completely fall off but i think some of your older oms from the past were better.The shortness of it was ok,since you tried to quicken up the story,but over all it was ok.I liked the imagery you tried to do but your piece seemed forced.

    Get back at topicals dude.= )

    pz.

  10. #10
    lyrical messiah
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    this was an aight piece keep at it

  11. #11
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    bump for more feedback.............................

  12. #12
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    ^^^^

  13. #13
    This Piece is read more like it shud be done for audio if u break down the lines.... for text purposes ending two lines with the same words isnt a good idea and on audio it wud sound alright depending on how u emphasized ur words.....the story is just blah....nothing we havent heard before.,,

    Overall it was an alright piece but u need to up the creativity a bit if ur gonna tell stories....we need to really feel what ur saying and be into the story....no1 will read it if they cant get into the story

  14. #14
    Black On Black Philly®'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by .Ovadose.
    This Piece is read more like it shud be done for audio if u break down the lines.... for text purposes ending two lines with the same words isnt a good idea and on audio it wud sound alright depending on how u emphasized ur words.....the story is just blah....nothing we havent heard before.,,

    Overall it was an alright piece but u need to up the creativity a bit if ur gonna tell stories....we need to really feel what ur saying and be into the story....no1 will read it if they cant get into the story
    word.....thx for the feedback

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