Morning Has Broken

[Issue]

MORNING HAS BROKEN



Morning has broken and the day's already shattered,
The token of torment is that I've been torn into tatters.
I have been cornered and battered by portraits of latter days,
Mourned but never mattered, like the fathers of blacker ways.
The harness of laughter weighs hard against my chest,
And the marks of my cancer scar harmfully without rest.
I digress and march heartedly into the breasts of Mother Nature,
And I'm turned away calmly because it is claimed that I raped her.
Armies of armed strangers use all of these ages against me,
And history forces me into caves and then violently rapes me.
Then I wake from these stray dreams into manic scenes of depression.
Scrape my forehead with my fingers because the panic leads to obsession.
My lessons are often taken but are never forced upon me,
My blessings are never counted but always forged and empty.
My essence is often quenched by the laws of intensity,
And my actions are met constantly by the doors of empathy.
Gorged whole by epilepsy, I'm blind to flashing lights.
So I can't see the lightening that invokes the skies at night.
As I'm writing I'm fighting the brightness of my lamp,
And Im crying at the sight of rising miters of damp.
My lighters cramp my fingers and the nicoteen rots the skin.
I crying on the outside because Im dying from within...


...I am a million miles from home with my feet embedded in dry stone.
My once simple mind is fully grown and I'm stretched upon my throne.
I've etched my bones into lust as I postpone all trust.
I've left my home within its crust as it sinks into dust.
Walked lonely for hours in the darkness of such evil,
I stalked only for power within the carcass' of the feeble.
I've lived every moment with contempt and my ripped lips,
I'm exempt from quick wit and now accept that I don't fit.
I've lived loosely on rosebushes and the thorn is a token,
Bruised, been used and hopeless, and still morning is broken.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...56#post3610956
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...72#post3610972

[bennett]

damn that was some great lyrics flow.structure and vocab was all good and aspecaily the closer.......

[Issue]

omg, the reply I gave u and the other person aswell, that was bullshit. Fuck you and your feed.


Upp'n for real feed....?!

[O_know]

it was kinda blah

[TwixSin]

omg, the reply I gave u and the other person aswell, that was bullshit. Fuck you and your feed.


Upp'n for real feed....?!

chill out man...

you gotta realize how open mic goes... shady...

i would reply to this... but im packing to leave tommorow.

[Issue]

i left like a page of feed on his piece, oh well, I know what to expect. Any mod's read this, delete all of that if u could?! Thanks, twix if u come back in, if u can do the business I'd be very grateful...


Upppppppppppp!?

[bennett]

what man im not good on tht 20 lines of feed man but it is really good man don't take it personal man ...........

[<Supreme>]

i kno wot u mean about shit feed
nice piece homie
im jus doin a quick comment this time (i got exams 2 revise 4) so...
flow - 8/10
structure - 7/10
rhymin - 7/10
imagery - 6/10
Like it? - 8/10 - nice piece
Overall - 9/10

[Poeta Demonio]

This was a very well put together peice, i can tell you have pent aong time placing everything exactly in the right place, which really helped to bring this topic alive.
your topic idea was not one of my particular taste, but it was origional to my knowledge...which is what counts when looking at a topic choice.

your flow wasn't amazing, yet still stood out to me as very well placed.

...I am a million miles from home with my feet embedded in dry stone.
My once simple mind is fully grown and I'm stretched upon my throne.
I've etched my bones into lust as I postpone all trust.
I've left my home within its crust as it sinks into dust.
Walked lonely for hours in the darkness of such evil,
I stalked only for power within the carcass' of the feeble.
I've lived every moment with contempt and my ripped lips,
I'm exempt from quick wit and now accept that I don't fit.
I've lived loosely on rosebushes and the thorn is a token,
Bruised, been used and hopeless, and still morning is broken.

^^^ i loved this part in your peice i really thought that was great flow,structure, and a very good style to use.

My lessons are often taken but are never forced upon me,
My blessings are never counted but always forged and empty.
My essence is often quenched by the laws of intensity,

^^^on the first word of every line (and second as the rhyming word) it was very good that you used assonance, i really liked this touch to it as it is very much like a poetry..which i suppose all writting in this context is really...but your style is unique to what i have seen so far from people...i very much respect this as it is hard to find your own style but i see you have adapted very well to this task.

well done and i hope to view more of your work in the future...ps i would be ver suprised if this wasn't nominated.

[Issue]

Thank you, that is appreciated. Bennet, learn from your friend. Thank you



Uppppp?!

[Lone Poet]

Thank you also for the nomination.

.

Uppp'n?

[Issue]

Upppp?!

[MADDUS]

ya skills evident, errything is gud...but do you
spit it in your head our out loud...
cos i cud talk it...but when i tried to spit it...
it was hard to catch a consistant rhthym...
maybe just the way i spit...but if you cud
suggest a beat or suttin you like spittin to
ill try it agen...peace

[Issue]

I don't 'spit.'

To me. this stuff is poetry. I'm not an Emcee, a rapper or a singer... None of that, I'm just a writer. If my poetry is being said, it's spoken word, it's not melodic.

Thank you for the feed and effort though

Uppppp?

[Demure]

Yah good piece for sure. At first read it was the most intelligent drop I've read yet on this site (though I've only been here a week or so). It deserved a second read so I did, here's my point of view:

First you got a good vocabulary, and are able to use it fairly elegantly, that is, without it sounding like you just 'plunked' a word into the sentence. This also lends itself well to your riming scheme which I thought stayed up there pretty well. Lots of rimes, but I didn't think the scheme itself was all that original. It is obviously a relative strength of yours, I'd say try experimenting with a structure you havn't gotten comfortable with yet - after a while you'll find something original that works and you can claim your own. The flow was on point, I didn't try, but I swear I could count off the syllables on each line to within 1 or 2 of each other for the whole piece.

The topic I thought wasn't really much of a topic at all. It seemed to me like it was just a general poem about some of the darkness in your life. More specifically, you address some the issues you have with yourself, and maybe some of the issues others may have with you. Oh, I don't know what you mean by mother nature raped you... I can think of ways our ways of life destroy her, but how do you mean specifically? This, I would say, is the biggest detriment to you poem. You just don't lay out anything too concrete, while at the same time jumping around. If anything, you give me the impression that you're focusing on riming instead of anything in particular, other than things in the 'realm of harm'. I could be wrong, do you know what I mean??

If I could offer advice, I would say sacrifice your rime scheme for a little while and try to write very specifically about something. Some of your poems might suck, but after a while you'll get a lot better and your sheme will come back to you.

Keep these coming.

PEACE