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Thread: Jail

  1. November 26th, 2005, 08:41 AM #1
    Paze
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    Jail

    I hear contrufersy around the name, All those wiggas say this country is all the same
    But in the UK it aint just about rain, Ghetto preachers try to get allota fame
    But no one makes it, only 1 in a million, Thats about 50 peeps who get a deal man,
    Record labels try to promo shit, They think theyre in the hood but they dont know shit
    And if you take a trip to the suburbs youll know that shit, Alota garage wanabes doin their shit,
    Not knowin that they dont know shit, All that garage is bull and they dont know theyre shit,
    But they think they doin good so they dont know shit, Until the lack of food kicks in they dont know shit,
    They get put in so young but they havent failed



    I hate to say this boi but you're goin to jail, You never thought about this when you was leanin on the rail
    When everybody dissed you, and now they miss you
    When you were a little boy all you wanted to do was make it in the world but still be you
    But Im glad to say this boy but you havent failed, All you need to do now is get out of jail



    Everyone tries it, Tries to get their name out, But the most they ever get is a shout out
    So you try to move onto guns n crack, spittin a load of bullshit that just sounds wack
    Then the government gets on your tail, Pay the heatin bill or youre goin to jail
    Then they try to run away and never come back, Like half the soldiers did when they went to Iraq,
    But soon after time their name gets booked, Its prison for them but you aint no crook
    They just tryin to make a livin out somethin you enjoy, That youve dreamed about scince you was a little boy,
    But it never worked out and you know youve failed



    I hate to say this boi but you're stuck in jail, You never thought about this when you was leanin on the rail
    When you were a little boy all you wanted to do was make it in the world but still be you
    You fucked it all up and you knowed, You smoked the weed that you growed
    Your battles never made the road, You havent payed the money you owed
    Now youre sad boy cos you know youve failed, you fucked it all up and now youre in jail

    And now youre in jail

    And now youre in jail

    You fucked it all up and now youre in jail



    [I'll make a beat for this song and record it in the next few weeks]

    It's the story of one of my friends whose now in a jail in Bristol, He'll be pleased that I'm makin this song for him & I hope you like it.
    It's in compound time and will have a heavy beat.
    Comments would be appreciated. Thanks

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  2. November 26th, 2005, 11:53 AM #2
    Paze
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    Come on, I need some comments about whether it should go on my album or not.

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  3. November 26th, 2005, 12:04 PM #3
    lyr!cal m!racle
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    i guess i can say this should go on your next album. your structure was really annoying so that's one thing you need to work on. you can also work on your multis, your wordplay and metaphors. to tell you the truth just work on everything. u got potential though.
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  4. November 26th, 2005, 12:10 PM #4
    lyr!cal m!racle
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=252324

    leave feed on my om
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  5. November 26th, 2005, 04:03 PM #5
    Paze
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    Safe & Ty

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  6. November 26th, 2005, 05:43 PM #6
    Saintz
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    this is pretty good.strucutre was iight
    flow as iight..rhyms were good...
    topic was pretty similar......
    vocab was weak...elevate a bit
    peace
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  7. November 27th, 2005, 04:10 AM #7
    Sudo.nim
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    man, honestly, I aint feeling it, the structure was weak, overextended bars etc, the rhyme scheme was mad weak, u rhymed don know shit about 8 times ina row...ya gota change that seriously, stay at it.
    Dont underestimate. I'm not new to this.


    .Between Orange [.Peace.] and Green.
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  8. November 27th, 2005, 04:55 AM #8
    PuresT
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    sorry

    sorry duke but it wasn't anything new. the rhymes were weak, ABC rhymes actually. Pain, shame, rain, we've all heard it. i understand your point but it just wasn't creative enough. i would scrap this song and put some real emotion into it. it just seems like your trying to rhyme words instead of let true heart felt feelings out that rhyme, you feel me. try working a little harder and use a wider vocab.
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  9. November 27th, 2005, 05:04 AM #9
    Sage One
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    Weak brah, work on your structure. But, big ups for trying.
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  10. November 27th, 2005, 08:20 AM #10
    Drelove
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    ya flow makes me want to ask wat happened to ur structure...........

    it was type hard to follow...........

    and u coulda typed it in more organized............

    but overall, it was ight................
    If u wanna win against me
    then i'll diminish ya hope
    cause if u was a sniper u couldn't see me
    even through a new scope

    come get me...


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    One loss because of
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    (Please vote on this)

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  11. November 27th, 2005, 10:05 AM #11
    quills b
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    yo if this song is about jail make sure that all of the song is about jail b and the flow was weak yo just elavate ull get better yo

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    yo bitches click here


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    CORRUPTED MINDZ
    BLACK DEATH

    OPEN MIC


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  12. November 27th, 2005, 09:35 PM #12
    EyeBite
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    work on your structure fors of all....and certainy ya flow it was choppy

    topic wasnt new way too simple and simlilar to what everyone drop bout

    rhymes were too simple too...this was long but wasnt feelin it....

    truly elevate a lot....you need sum work on rappin skillz....peace
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  13. November 29th, 2005, 11:42 AM #13
    Paze
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    Quills, It was all on topic. I started off sayin that people wana make it in the rap industry but dont then I moved onto 1 guy who never made it & I said he got put into jail.
    Dont worry, you wont need to read it when I release it =)
    Thanks for the comments

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