Lost

[I_Me]

The first verse goes to ones in the hearse
lost plenty fuckin family man that shit hurt,
Now i aint bout to pout and shit
imma man so dont doubt me bitch,
im just confuse why my young niece had to get hurt by katrina,
i swear i woulda saved her but only if i seena
im in a rage
im writing these lyrics as my tears hit the page,
im just down and stressed out
shoulda heard all the yellin that came out my moms mouth
now there is no down south, well no new orleans so where do we go now?
I try to be strong
but in the back in my mind this is all wrong
I want to break down somtimes
I just want the sun to shine on me
So i can live my life and reach my destiny
but im just suspicous see
my mind rapped up in these rhymes that i give endlessly,
but i guess the sun has set
i swear it rains on me but i dont get wet,
I just wish they was here
my aunt and uncle i know they were all in terrible fear,
so god just show me the light
let it bring me joy and let my smile shine so bright,
now this for the ones thats been lost in the struggle
the ones that had to make it through the hustle
lets stick together and build up our muscle,
the pain that it causes
finally got rich folks comin out they wallets
but still i cant call it
i lost apart of my family and im exhausted,

[I_Me]

please reply back

[James,]

eh..... I feel ur emotion nigga and your pain that your expressing but, you had terrible structure, your flow was alright I guess, you need to add some multis in there.

finally got rich folks comin out they wallets
but still i cant call it
i lost apart of my family and im exhausted,

^^This wulda been a great rhyme if you didnt have "but still I cant call it" in there.
U had good rhymes though, and decent vocab keep it up.

i give it a 7.6/10

[Antonio Banderas]

Yeah, like he said the emotion was there... Flow was petty good, but your need to work on the presentation of your work. That structure's appearance was horrible. However, this was a descent drop and an easy read...

[Trema]

I felt the emotion this piece, it was deep. But like the homs said you need to work on your structure that made the piece look wack from a readers point of view. The vocab wasn't really strong. Probably the only good thing about this piece was the emotion. U need to up yo vocab and work on your structure-

[Johnny 6-feet]

You need 2 links to 2 open mics you've left decent feedback on or this will get closed. Read the thread at the top of open mic if you don't know how.

[I_Me]

My bad Johnny...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...29#post3291229
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post3291241

[J-Hova]

yo this was ok but u really need to work on ur structure and ur flow was alright but other than it was ok