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Thread: Through A Blind Man's View

  1. #1
    Back rile1's Avatar
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    Through A Blind Man's View

    Through A Blind Mans View

    Empty head, empty stomach, with a need for Material
    he wanted a literal person who seems like an individual
    who knew things before hand, without touching a mineral
    the Drug Lord of Haiti, saying, " No one has defeated me"
    so he sent men to retrieve, he, the one who conceded thee
    major plan of trading routes all over the undevidable country
    one who can stump thee government and get all our money
    but it was funny, cuz the one who didnt agree was himself
    to relize his wealth was done by his self, so this welt
    of a man couldnt understand this plan at hand, hes screwed
    cuz if he gets confused he will surely die warily abused
    this gun, its used as his weapon of choice to rejoice
    and if made possible this stupid idiot will just die at his voice
    a call, his guards and men, they found someone poised
    his lips moist, from being nervous, the Lord Speaks, " Come"
    knowing that if this unknown is weak, he will lose freedom
    ..............................
    ...................................

    As this mystery arrives, the Lord opens his eyes at his desk
    " Sit son, we need to know if u can even handle our business"
    clearly a " Yes" is heard, an unlawful word, a guard rolls a herb
    " Excuse me?" the Lord speaks, hazel eyes glowing like Flourescent
    " I can handle this place, even with u, or anyone in my presence"
    hesitant, this man was confident, The Lord jumped and then drew
    " Look u little fool, I will not be harrased by you", the man knew...
    " I can not understand a man with no heart, or even a Lord higher"
    " I am god, I rule u, I am ur Saier, I control u, I am ur supplier"
    " No my friend, u cant see ur fate, ur blind in ur head, ur too late
    with ur mind all u can do is hate," how can this unknown relate"
    the fact that this Lord was scared of demise of money and power
    that had nearly everything, but still had to jack-off in the shower
    for nearly an hour, a stand-off had taken place, things always tense
    emotions immense as this man explained how the lords soul repents
    for everyone he has murdered and decieved, his mothers cause to bleed
    he needed others to suffer, but The Lord put his gun down for another
    this man seemed angelic, the way he way philosophical, and way tougher
    but still the Lord was blind and walked around his work desk ask
    " How can u know me and evreyone of my acts?" he needed facts..
    " As time passed, I heard more," what an answer, a thing to yearn for
    the man stood face to face with this " Predator"..but now he hurts more
    this Man was blind to the facts of danger but stood without a hint though
    but The Lord was blind too...and through a Blind man's view.................
    .............And His Body Right Out The Window....................................


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=238558
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=238447

    Bleh...did what I could lol, Hope ya'll like it
    Last edited by rile1; October 7th, 2005 at 10:16 PM

  2. #2
    God's Deciple
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    Well this seemed pretty plain and simple mainly until the second verse where it started getting better and more enjoyable in my opinion.The vocab. was ok,because it didnt have very big words which i like nor stupid herbish words.The rhyme scheme for this seemed ok as well,but again until the second verse where i found it to be more complex.The imagery for this piece was good.I could see alot of this and relate to it in a way,and also the first verse to me needs fixing,mainly cause of the reasons above.Also you could of fixed up the structure a lil bit,making it a little bit better looking.Maybe like changing the font size and stuff.And the ending to me was what i liked because you used the title name as the last two sentences,so i found that nice.

    Keep dropping.

    ~1~

  3. #3
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    LOL wow 24 hours and only one comment...upping this for more peeps

  4. #4
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    Yo that was pretty tight rile... shiit i liked the topic, u explained it well, the vocab was alright, coulda used a bit of improvement... the rhyming was ok 2, it started off kinda shaky at the sart but u pulled it 2gether half way thru the 1st verse... the structure was good, but the main thing i liked about this piece was the message in the story... u obviouslly put alot o thought in2 it man.... u layed everything down perfectly... keep it up

    PS this is Ta2 incase u didnt kno...
    IJL<--What More Do I Have To Say?

  5. #5
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    awwww come on now people, u know how to leave feedback

  6. #6
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    adn thanks to the 2 that have lol... at least someone reads stuff

  7. #7
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    ^^when I started listening to other type of music I guess, and practicing a lot, SS is the best league ever lol

  8. #8
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    OMFG.......please leave some feedback, I will return all of it, so please leave some

  9. #9
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    Me Vs anybody who want it.....

  10. #10
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    Yeah tight shit, good structure, I was really feeling the flow. You had a lot of emotion throughout the verse. Good multis, seemed like if you said it, it would roll of your tounge, perfect length, not overdone, stayed on topic, elegant topic, keep da shit comin nigga 8.7/10

  11. #11
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    ^^thanks for the feed... Ill hit one or two of urs up..upping for more

  12. #12
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    OMFG!!! frikkni leave some feedback, all of it will be returned equally, so please leave some

  13. #13
    www.theilleffect.com djb's Avatar
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    this was pretty cool. i feel like a broken record tonight. i have seen better out of you. the dialog didnt really work for me. i know it was a good way to move the story along, but i think if you had told it without the dialog i would have liked it more. the conversation didnt really seem believable to me. the rhyming was good. seemed like you might have had a couple extra multi's in the first stanza, but im just being picky. i saw a couple spelling errors. this was a cool idea though. i understood what you were saying. i got the message. other then the dialog i liked how you did this. very clever. good work, i've seen better, but still nice.

    please return the favor
    my om:http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=239499
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  14. #14
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    ^^thanks... please more feedback!!! I will return feed as best as possible

  15. #15
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    OMFg...please leave some feedback so that I can feel better I will return feed if u leave some-PEACE

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