Final Words From a Lost Child ft. Sneeky

[guiffre]

Nef - First
Sneeky - Second

Dear Mom and Dad
.
.
.
The agony I’ve endured, and all those tears I shed
For you two to get along, but now that chance is dead
Constant bickering and violence, I sit in my room in silence
Thinking about the day my parents will hear those vibrant sirens
And the tingles up their spine, when they hear the phone ring
With a sergeant slow and steady, but quick to be informing
Every night I stayed up and cryed, wishing I fucking died
Well here you go mom, you swiped away every ounce of pride
And dad, don’t think I’ll forget about the daily abuse
The whips from the belt, that’s why I’m creating this noose
And pursuing this suicide, and its YOUR FAULT I died
Inside, and now its final, im hopping of this depressing ride
So called life, nothing but a fucking strife in my opinion
Its like a bee that keeps stinging, just fuck the state of living
Im taking it to my grave, you guys played me as your slave
My heart hidden in a cave, and now it’s too late to save
All those days I tried to talk, but you guys just wouldn’t listen
I was begging for your attention, but now you’re the bitches wishin`
Its all over and done with, so mom and dad I hope you hear
This is my final words on earth, so a goodbye will be sincere
.
.
.
Love, Your Son







*Scene Cuts To A Teenager Standing Over A Lonely Grave*

A Tear Sheds As He Silently Says:

Never thought that I'd be standin' on ya grave this early..
But your finally in peace so I'll save the worries..
All the times that we shared I'll rememeber forever..
Stormy nights, rainy days, Man we've been through the weather..
All our sins were for pleasure, so I'm takin' a look..
On my life, and the past, so I made you a book..
Hope you find time in the afterlife to read it..
An innocent kid dies, but another is seeded..
Man ya mother was screamin', when they hauled you away..
And I couldn't find words, didn't speak at all for days..
So I fall and I pray, hope you make it to heaven..
And stay one step ahead, just like 8 is to 7..
But it's time to take a step now and change my life..
All this misery that's in me, too much pain and strife..
I see your aimed at the light, so answer me in my dreams..
And I'll find a way to cope no matter how hard it seems..
Even though they didn't hug you and you're heart stayed troubled..
Just remember until you meet again your parents still love you..

*Places A Rose On The Grave And Walks Away*

[guiffre]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...27#post3256127

[guiffre]

Upppp

[Blackflags]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=238304


Uppin, Damn!!

FeedBack??


Pz.

[guiffre]

wtf up

[Eye`]

wow yo omg. this was so emotional and it reminded me of my parents. thanks for bringing back those memories guys......dope shit.

[Pharoah.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=238447

emotiion was nice, flow was sick, imagery was there
topic=DAAAAAAAMN original topic here
multies could been betta and vocab was pretty good
9/10 peep the link "Im With You" its gettin slept on please peep it

[..Meta..]

1st Verse.
Aight, The first verse had the deepness, I can give you that; Other than that though, it seemed it didn't really flow together that much, like it was lacking the rhythm and seemed a little forced, I'm not sure how you can improve on that besides just let things really flow from your emotions... If you did, then just work on wording your lines differently.

"it's like a bee that keeps stinging"

I don't want to say that this part fucked up your verse, but to me, it seemed like it was not needed at all. It was a weak metaphor, but I'll give you the props for trying though. Your structures fine, and both verse's were coherent. Your verse was also lacking multi's, not that they're needed, but if a verse might be worded wrong, multi's can add a little bit of rhythm to the flow. All-in-all, the message was easily understandable, you just need to work on a couple of things to enhance or better your writing ability, but goodwork.


2nd Verse.
This verse I liked, which since it was placed 2nd, was a good decision; Always has to have some-what a good ending, and this brought this piece to it's whole. Again, I was feeling this verse.

"just like 8 is to 7"

Not bad, but just seemed out of place. I liked your multi's and how you place 'em, and your verse had a better rhythm and flow to it, so props on that. Can't really find any flaws or anything I'm able to comment on to try and make things better. Was well written.

The Whole Drop.
I like this piece because of the symbolism it holds within the story-line of it. If I'm understand this right: the kid commits suicide, and the first verse is the note. After that, his homie visits the gave-site at which his friend was buried. Well thought out thing to do. His friend let's his emotions out speaking to his soul, and letting him know his depression, his reaction, and also his parents still care for him, despite the problem at home. His only fallback was he thought he couldn't handle it. Might've said this, and I might seem repetitive, but this was a good piece, only needed some improvement on the first verse, other than that, Good Job on this one... Keep writing. Peace Easy.

[guiffre]

reply fag bags

[guiffre]

i hope you all die

[guiffre]

yep. Die

[Saul.Goode]

pretty dope, no time to leave indepth feed but i will try and get at it later.

[.Silence.]

This was a really good piece from yall.I was really feeling the storyline that went with the topic.Also yall had good Imagry an emotion in yalls verses.Also had good wordplay and good structure too.Overall yall did good on this piece and I really like it cuz it was real emotional and I really liked it.Keep up the good work.

[guiffre]

die

[Mic D]

best collab since Ive been back.....no verses had eye popping metas or wordplay like I guess kat up there was looking for but the wording of both verses brought out emotion......it might not be the most complexly written but they are worded so perfect that it still is 2 strong verses...nice