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Thread: Exchanged feelings

  1. August 6th, 2005, 12:30 AM #1
    Token Muslim
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    Exchanged feelings

    .....Listen love dun take it personal, if i'm hurtin u
    jus hard times in my life i jus need 2 work through

    i know when ya temper exploded, an u feeling deserted
    ............................i tell u care, u say i never show it

    ...............that aint right, yea i remember that night
    when i told u ur da luv of my life, but im lovin my mic

    da spotlight when it shine so bright.................(thinkin)
    ....................that's the reason that we started 2 fight

    .................got me raising my hand
    wantin 2 swing, but i kno dat i can't

    so toughen up, an jus act like a man
    ........................an i kno that i can

    or atleast that's what i'm tellin myself
    .......remanisin wit our pic on da shelf

    ....(thinkin)......................an the good times
    so please listen when i'm spittin these rhymes

    girl ur 1nce in a life time, an u holdin me down
    im da king, u my queen so u wearin dat crown
    ..............im tryna turn dat frown upside dwn


    Battles i left feed back in

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...416#post2879416

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=218850

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219550

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219406
    Artificial Intelligence
  2. August 6th, 2005, 12:49 AM #2
    Token Muslim
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  3. August 6th, 2005, 01:55 AM #3
    Token Muslim
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  4. August 6th, 2005, 02:36 AM #4
    Token Muslim
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  5. August 6th, 2005, 02:44 AM #5
    djb
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    ok this is far too basic. your idea's were conveyed, but in a rather boring way. you need to fix your structure. writing like that creates unessicary pauses for the reader which add to it's lack of excitement. dont space your lines. also come with some more original concepts. and please spell words right. i dont mind if you use cuz instead of because but dont use luv, dwn, jus, and so on. i know you can write better then this. next time you drop an om take some more time on it and think out everyline. also, try to make those bars even up, you went 1-2 and then on the last stanza you had 3 lines wich messed up the flow of the read. just some things you need to learn that is all. everything comes with time. keep writing and you will elevate. this was not hate, just trying to help.

    please return the favor on my om
    my om: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=219590
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  6. August 6th, 2005, 02:46 AM #6
    sILLable
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    ^^^^i agree...i hate NET ABBREV. in open mic pieces....your not spittin it your writin it..anyway...needs elevation..structure was off..rhyme scheme and your wordplay and your vocab was too simple..keep elevatin.~1`


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  7. August 6th, 2005, 02:58 AM #7
    Token Muslim
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    much respected yall......but every piece dun need punches or hot wordplay.....sum rhymes are based on feeling and concept.....thx 4 da feedback

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  8. August 6th, 2005, 05:22 AM #8
    Token Muslim
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  9. August 6th, 2005, 01:53 PM #9
    Token Muslim
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  10. August 6th, 2005, 02:11 PM #10
    Token Muslim
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    lookin 4 honest feedback........!!!!!!
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  11. August 6th, 2005, 02:23 PM #11
    elemental_game
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    rizzo get at me on yahoo
  12. August 6th, 2005, 09:39 PM #12
    Token Muslim
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  13. August 7th, 2005, 05:10 PM #13
    Token Muslim
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  14. August 7th, 2005, 05:24 PM #14
    :.Apollo.:
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    nice... i feel ya on ya reply, it aint gotta be Multi-Platinum to get shit out..
    no hate but i liked this one better than ya other peice
    Nice Drop
  15. August 8th, 2005, 11:14 AM #15
    Token Muslim
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