User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: Boom

  1. #1

    Boom

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214663
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214877
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214675


    Jmo's Verse
    Sun shining through the cracks of my eyes, I slowly rise/
    Light beams beginnin to gleam through the pristine skies/
    Got a big day ahead of me, a make-or-brake interview scheduled/
    Combin my hair, brushin my teeth, my appearance disheveled/
    A strong sharp pain strikes my chest, I fell to my knees/
    Lettin the media frenzy on TV somehow get the better of me/
    But something doesn’t feel right, call it instinct or premonition/
    I’m guessin symptoms of stress, finally given some recognition/
    Today could mean the difference between unseen riches or departing from wealth/
    Is my anxiety harmin my health? This isn’t the time to fall apart on myself/
    As I leave the safe confines of my house and venture out, I feel better now/
    The stinging sensation that appeared in my chest starting to settle down/
    The Governor General in town for a convention, it’d be an honor to meet her/
    My car pulls up beside the plaza, hop out and toss a quarter in the parking meter/
    I pass bus stop as a man walks up, pacing robotically, I’m struck by his shrill demeanor/
    This is the location where I was supposed to meet Ingrid but still haven’t seen her/
    I speed up my pace, attempting to make eye contact with this shady figure as I prance/
    The man cautiously boards the bus, seats himself, then shoots me a stearn glance/
    Just as I’m turning my head, the corner of my eye catches the bus erupt in flames/
    Indeed, the urgency of the mission I’m undertaking has been abruptly changed/
    The images hit with remarkable stealth, an old woman’s faced flushed with pain/
    Its just insane, but I quickly remind myself that it’s only just they’re slain/
    Adjust my frames, soon the sight of the fire and blood causes my eyes to gleam/
    Victims scatter for safety in this deranged scene, yet the backdrop remains serene/
    Until the moment that the eerily calm stage is overshadowed with pained screams/
    Charred corpses litter the sidewalk, parents clutchin their children layin deceased/
    But any notion of sympathy drains from me, must keep my eyes on the task/
    The doors swing open behind me, in my psychological reflections I bask/
    My meeting with Allah will occur soon enough, my hand reaches for my briefcase/
    Notice my lip was cut by shrapnel but I’m ignoring the blood my teeth taste/
    After this, I’ll revel in more wealth than winners of million-dollar sweepstakes/
    Allah shall reward me for the mission I’ve successfully completed/
    Fury borne of the fiery depths of hell, I shall bring death to these demons/
    Payback for their actions and the immense suffering they’ve inflicted/
    I see the Governor General coming through the doorway, her movement restricted/
    By the security detail assigned to protect her and the Foreign Minister/
    The arsenal I have concealed in my suitcase will do more than finish her/
    I’ll send a message to the masses, a warning from my people/
    These violators must be held responsible for their evil/
    Any hesitation subsides, as me and the security detail collide/
    I’ll have my meeting with senior government officials as our deaths coincide/
    I reach into my briefcase swiftly, mentally ready to trigger the explosion/
    Here stands a man well prepared to sacrifice his life foe his devotion/
    I close my eyes as her detail passes by my right shoulder/
    Move onto better things in paradise as soon as my cursed life’s over/
    BOOM!!!




    M9nd's Verse
    Todays the first day of the rest of my life
    nine months along in the delievry rooms my wife
    ran outta work early stoping at the store
    baught a camera for memories n walked out tha door
    in a flash of light everything changed, perception derragned
    a holy soldier with an explosion tryin for correction of everything
    doors behind shatter, explosion blinds, a shard to my spine
    god take it back, rewind im layin here cryin, its not my time
    in an instant everything froze my life slowly corrodes
    must i mention cant move anything from fingers to toes
    Please god i gotta take care of her shes my gurl
    and today shes bringin my babyboy into this world
    i cant leave em like this, i gotta be there
    give me one chance god ill do it right i swear
    hows she gonna feel when she finds out im dead
    whats left for her then, whats left to be said
    shes gonna need help for this child, help to provide
    wheres she gonna get wealth from if im not alive
    god how could u let this man commit multipal murders
    how could people be so evel, killin me hurts her
    i remeber back to all the crazy times in my life
    remebering the fun, the love, and the fights
    god i love her, i hope that she always knows
    and ill continue that love till my body erodes
    death ill have to accept altho my heart tells me to reject
    shes gonna be upset. what a new start? well i have to repsect
    its fate, life and death, after life or rest? whats next?
    my visions blurry and messed, bloody an figures disect
    its gettin darker and harder to see, fuck im dyin
    lemme be with her again god, i love her, im not lying
    i had my whole life ahead of me now gone in a instant
    twisted an bent, on the ground, bomb rocked and spent it
    My vision is foggy an gloomy, a rayless vague of darkness
    no longer in my body, energy is unequivocally being harness
    Now i feel as if im drowning i still cant see
    my will is advising for me to let things be
    I feel squeezed, please god help me i plead
    Just as a ray of light superseeds, its pulling me
    Is this heaven or what to expect next i dont know
    all i know is im out and my whole bodies cold
    theres doctors standing around and my wife on the bed
    they hand me to my mother, with tears streamin down her head

  2. #2
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Portland, Oregon
    Posts
    3,107
    Battle Record
    8-8
    JMo your lines were hella streached man and that just made your piece hard to read... I mean I lost the flow every time because your lines were so damn long... & there was nothing to help because there were no multies... M9 I liked your shit the structure was straight and the flow was good real nice job keep posting... Work on those lines jmo...

    Hit This Back
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214578

  3. #3
    Thanks for the looks man, ill rate urs when i get off of work tommorow

  4. #4
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Houston, Texas
    Age
    39
    Posts
    5,316
    Battle Record
    15-10
    yea man...jmos shit was way to stretched and that fuck upp tha whole piece for ya...your structure was fucked up because of it....your rhyme scheme was fucked up because of it...so dont stretch your lines so much in tha future...m9nd...your verse was very ill...keep droppin and elevatin.~1~


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


  5. #5
    uppin for mo feedback, thanks for the looks so far.
    Last edited by M9nd Fl_lkt; July 25th, 2005 at 09:44 PM

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! SpItIt13045's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Ny
    Age
    35
    Posts
    176
    Battle Record
    0-1
    nice job

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.




    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    Thanks for the critique ^^

  8. #8
    Upped, This site has soooo many damn people and i only get 2 pieces of feedback, wtf? Did any of u lame ass "textcee's" even catch the twists in the verses?

  9. #9
    upped

  10. #10
    uppin one last time for all u non replying bastards

  11. #11
    The True Psycho of RB
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    My Own Mind
    Age
    41
    Posts
    3,164
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Damn them verses were hella long but i thought they were both decent.
    I liked the first verse better cause it was real dark and the imagery was quite descriptive and the ending was cool. I just didnt like the structure the lines were very stretched so it was hard to catch the flow, half way through you did up the flow but try and keep your lines to a horter length that will help your verses.

    The second verse was a completely different topic, it was a decent emotional verse but i felt some of the parts were a bit corny so next time you write try and mix in better emotion describe your feeling in more detail.
    The flow of the piece wasnt great but overall it was a decent verse.
    Both keep it on writing.

  12. #12
    Decent piece
    I ain't got time for Bitchiz,
    Gotta keep my mind on my mothafuckin rich's.
    Even when I die they don't worry me,
    Mama don't cry, Burry Me A "G"!

  13. #13
    RockMan
    Guest
    b0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo Nuff said

  14. #14
    TwixSin
    Guest
    ^^^ u talking bout your peice...?

  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ExPlOsIvE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    UK, Wales
    Age
    36
    Posts
    180
    Nice piece guys, jmo's verse was long but i jst read it faster and it sounded gd to me. Nice multis in both verses and nice flow.

    in a flash of light everything changed, perception derragned
    a holy soldier with an explosion tryin for correction of everything
    doors behind shatter, explosion blinds, a shard to my spine
    god take it back, rewind im layin here cryin, its not my time

    ^^ dopest part of the piece, nice wrk.

    keep it up guys. Peace

Similar Threads

  1. BOOM BOOM TRAP Feat. CHEF BOY (KING REMIX)
    By Well Versed in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: July 11th, 2009, 05:28 PM
  2. Black Eyed Peas feat. 50 Cent - Boom Boom Pow (Off
    By Trey Songz in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: April 20th, 2009, 02:51 PM
  3. Chop Shop Productions -- Boom Boom Bap..
    By Raticus in forum The Studio
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: December 14th, 2006, 09:30 PM
  4. Boom, Boom, Boom....new beat...peep
    By Woo Child in forum The Studio
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: June 13th, 2002, 03:56 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •