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Thread: How Can I Smile?

  1. July 11th, 2005, 08:03 AM #1
    The Vortex
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    Post How Can I Smile?

    Expressions vary from foul to vile; I’m virtually dead so how can I smile
    While the world fucking whirls without me even playing a part
    Dark-clouds in my pathway, I’m halfway to no-place
    These words are my showcase; I’m unable to show-face
    Wasting days dazed on dope dosages, vultures await my carcass
    A fate darker than midnight my existence is myth-like
    Just want to live-life, I sift solemn visions… the gift of insight…
    To incite true- intentions’, fighting regiments of demonic phantoms’
    Throwing untamed eclectic tantrums, I go distraught as Van Goth
    Working my hands off scribing these thoughts of mayhem
    Its grey grim, grafting conceptual matter trynna stay prim
    Sink-or-swim I drink raw sin in the form of Alco-pops
    Performing twisted plots, roaming Hells dungeons with agitated deeds,
    And my heart it bleeds needs love, but can’t seem to give some
    I dream of green pastures serene rivers’, an icon of winsome
    Still I’m convinced that these tensions will kill me eventually
    Mortally mauling me limb-from-limb, my vision fading, as lights turn dim.

    How can I smile?
    How can I smile?
    How can I smile?
    How can I smile?[/



    links-

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=210030
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=209851
    Last edited by The Vortex; July 11th, 2005 at 08:11 AM
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  2. July 11th, 2005, 08:09 AM #2
    ADR
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    YES....
    thats whassup ya flow and scheme ridiculous.....u were on point specailly with vocab n complexity....to be quit honest i was really feelin this shyt...definitly lookin forward to more of'em fam

    keep doin u ....def..

    ya figgadeal me
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  3. July 11th, 2005, 09:34 AM #3
    Johnny 6-feet
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    Liked the topic and the multis in this vortex. A good structure and decent vocab as well. I always like a melancholy tone to a piece. I think the only real weakness in this piece was the basic hook but it would probably work fine as an audio.

    Keep posting.

    p.s. Where are those verses for those collab ideas i sent you? Let's get this thing up and running, man!

    Kung Flow.

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  4. July 12th, 2005, 08:39 AM #4
    The Vortex
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    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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  5. July 13th, 2005, 09:43 AM #5
    Yung Caesa
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    Great Piece...
    Gud rhyme scheme, nice structere, the mood was well thought out, I liked it alot and the same goes for the emotion...Add in some complex vocab and nice wordplay and u have a great piece apart from the hook, which, unfortunatly, I didnt like one bit...Gud piece though...
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  6. July 13th, 2005, 12:16 PM #6
    warchild
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    Theres only one thing i didnt like about this verse it was too short.
    I was really liking the imagery and flow and then it ended as i was getting into it. The imagery stood out the most to me your vocab is good so you can express good emotion in the rhymes and create some dope imagery.
    The flow was nice all through the piece i just wish you wrote more on this topic cause it was real good. I thought all the lines blended straight into the next one so i could hate on nothing in this piece except the verse was too short.

    Return the feed please:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=210894
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  7. July 13th, 2005, 11:54 PM #7
    NaS
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    I liked te imgaery in this shit and everything really flowed on its own, and the whole story was like... in order, you didn't jump around from one thing to another and each line had that whole "no emotion" theme to it. real nice shit
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  8. July 14th, 2005, 07:21 AM #8
    The Vortex
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    wow thats some decent bumps for once, guess i cudda make it longer..
    next time tho...

    any more ups?
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  9. July 14th, 2005, 11:38 AM #9
    DJRizzle
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    ur flow was pretty good almost to nasty level......ur scheme was above average....everything pretty much equalled out and made sense.....ur vocab was pretty good also.....i hope to see more work from u.......o yeah again wit that hook haha but its cool
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  10. July 15th, 2005, 09:07 AM #10
    The Vortex
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    good looks fosho

    bumpers
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  11. July 15th, 2005, 12:23 PM #11
    2hot2handle
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    That was dope. I liked how you used rhymes in the middle of lines and how you made the bolding lines tight. YOu used semicolons and almost no one uses that. IT stayed on topic and you didnt do any simplistic shit. Vocab was good, structure was great and you did some things that made it good. It could have been longer but make sure you work on the flow better but it was aight. Keep up and never quit. Holla at my piece called free the speech and I would deeply appreciate that. Good work.

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    "I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

    - Martin Luther King Jr.


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    View this from last year^
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  12. July 15th, 2005, 01:50 PM #12
    LyricalCriminal
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    Great piece there…

    Lyrically great - the flow, rhyme scheme, vocab was all very good – I also liked the layout in which you wrote this piece, just added to the general feeling – Great emotion as well, just a bit short but apart from that I can’t really fault this…


    Stay Up

    If you check any of my verse drop some feedback – peace
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  13. July 17th, 2005, 08:21 AM #13
    The Vortex
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    yeah thanks yo, i'll check out yo pieces fosho

    any more sales
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  14. July 17th, 2005, 10:48 AM #14
    MakeShyft
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    Nice Piece.
    Liked the multi's topic, and the way you layed it out. But it was too short, and, when I got to the end it left me hanging, like you introduced a story, but nothing hapened after that.
    Keep writing.
    Pz.
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  15. July 18th, 2005, 07:50 AM #15
    The Vortex
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    yo for real maybe a lil short, but i gotta leave em in suspense, plus like the last line states,
    my vision fading as lights turn dim... is true.
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