Finally Awake

[Ainjel]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...437post2415437
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...456post2415456


I've never spoke up, but today I woke up with a vision
Of my reflection in the mirror on the day of cataclysm
And to my formerly blind eyes I see that the day is here
If people dont wake up we won't make it another year
I gotta stop being so soft, I can't just give in to all the pushes
It is easy to see all the terror that is hiding in the Bushes
Im at a crucial age, Im the future of this forsaken country
That pretends to love me but really they just want me
To join the armed forces and help their campaign move along
Millions of crys and screams could be stopped if the president knew how to say "I was wrong"
But that will never happen, we'll never see it with our eyes
Were too busy watching our own police help the crime rate rise
Come on guys, how can this happen when were all supposed to be so smart
I have seen the school system crumble, thats why the youth is falling apart
Television doesn't help, kids in health class no longer care about sex's dangers
Because tonight on 60 Minutes they will learn how people are performing abortions with coat hangers
Daughters of rich hotel owners can get famous from doing absolutely nothing, Im embarassed
Gas prices keep people from traveling but thats okay, anyone with a computer can spend "A Night in Paris"
There has to be someplace better, so if Im gonna find it I better start
Some place I can say "under God" while holding my hand over my heart
Any place other than here, I don't know if I can survive yo
Why is Jack Kevorkian still in jail yet the judges gave the okay to starve Terri Schiavo
Can't even walk outside without the "fresh" air restricting your health
Oh how I love living in a world thats always contradicting itself

[Sense]

This has got some really good ideas in it bro, I think if you found a way to take all thos points and get em out with fewer words, and tighter rhymes u'd lite up. and alo try using some more punctuation and spaces to keep people interested and reading it the way YOU want them to read it.

[CrazyCarl]

You need to work on editing your lines to get to the rhyme quicker, without losing the strength of the idea. In the middle, the lines got really stretched. Your topic was very general, if you had narrowed it, you could have described the concepts better. The structure started out good, but it seemed you were less concsious of it as you went on.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192481

[warchild]

This was a good verse, the bush line was great but i think you need to work on your structure cause your lines were way too stretched.
Your flow was basic but your imagery and vocab really helped this verse out so i think you just need to sort your structure out and work on the flow.
The concept was a bit played but you added a couple of real nice lines so the verse didnt get too repetitive. Keep writing and you'll improve.

Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=193694

[nolonger]

work on flow and vocab...nothing amzing.

[ra twist]

flow weak and go back to sleep ........................