Deep In Thought

[T.R.I.G.G.A]

growin up in a world my livin misunderstood
flawless livin lawless in the darkest of moods
takin pride in the day i die, die wit pride in my eyes
pain subside fuck suicide this world of me myself and i
close all thoughts and sense intense in suspense
let broken hearts mend n later rivals be friends
condemed to a sense my world closed off by a fence
my heart stainless steel cover coated by dents
my own mind a decrypted code encrypted so no one knows
crack my code n uncrack my soul see my fractured past take toll
my inner fragile n battered being masked by my laughter
the mind of a master craftmen but my masterpiece shattered

see me in my moment of glory time of peace see me free of this leech
a dog unleashed from its leash free but tortured by a life suckin flea
is this to be to be the way that the life i see
should i be smiling when i see words rest in peace

[T.R.I.G.G.A]

can i get some feedback?

[CrazyCarl]

There needs to be some work on your rhyming, you rhymed words that were the same, just with a prefix. This goes along with better word choice, using a variety of words in the piece. A positive of the verse was the multis that you used. You had some good concepts, maybe develop them more.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192481

[...::ExZaKt::...]

work on vocab,multies,wordplay...

[warchild]

This was a decent verse but there was just something missing the flow was pretty weak, youve got decent vocab so if you work on your flow it will really help your verses. Obviously try and come up with original concepts and just write real raw imagery for your verses some of the rhymes in this verse were a bit corny. You had some nice lines in there but it just wasnt consistent enough so work on the flow and your rhymes will improve.

Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=193694