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View Poll Results: I should

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  • Work on my shiz

    1 100.00%
  • Leave it alone

    0 0%
  • burn everythin

    0 0%
Showing results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Madness

  1. #1

    Madness

    aight im still werkin on my writing skills gimme your worst and best criticism yo





    Im gonna lay down some lines for a troopa on the front line
    Sleepin in sand every night in the grind
    you'll neva approach hs kind he's outta his mind
    a trained killa trained to filla boddy bag
    with some body wearin a rag
    blazin an ak witha full mag
    it's so sad
    goes from chllin in boston in a bachla pad
    to drivin a humvee in the streets of iraq.
    promised his dad he comin back with his head in tact
    in fact
    he writes everyday to let him know he's okay
    someone said he got a debt to pay to his societay
    to ensure the american way and cheaper prices to pay
    at the gas stations
    wipin out any threat we facin
    but this threat comes from one man's personal basement
    bush one couldnt erase it so found a replacement
    his own son took hold of this might gun united as one
    under god
    planes crash in from abroad
    no time to pause rippin out chainsaws on you and yours
    and the whole country applaud
    we all saw it comin the war march was on
    he found an excuse to use and abuse his ability to make headline news and fill his fathers shoes
    startin shootin fear man cant think if his mind aint clear
    and how do you dare say we shouldnt go over there
    drop bombs in another hemisphere
    masses of people becomes axis of evil
    ya say man I dontbelieve you
    watch em come and grab ya whole crew
    just ask anyone in guantanamo been there for 3 years or so
    no callin home no pickin up a microhone
    just a lost face of a diferent race with no family to help trace
    and no lawyer to help break this hold they got over your life
    teach you next time to think twice
    to stand in front of bush and his big knife when sadaams in his sights
    now we stuck with no way to exit no plan was tested
    people arrested for meddlin and messin and causin distress
    when they was really speakin truth and tryin to let loose
    the fact that were just movin targets for an enemy with no regrets
    and they never forget the evils that we've done in the past
    got em to fight for us left an they all got gassed
    for many soldiors there's no comin back
    meetin there fate in a muslim iraq carryin fallen brothers on backs
    coverin tracks and tryin to escape back to this great place
    this great disgraice of a country that gets hit and shoots up the place
    ya see I said before that we went to war with no master plan
    now stand up and say get our boys outta the sand

  2. #2
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    A poll isn't necessary, since the more valuable advice is to take in the advice from the feedback.
    It was good that you wrote to a topic, since you're just starting writing, this will help you improve. The concept's been done a lot, and there could have been more creativity. You had some multis, keep that up. Read some other peoples and open mics to get a feel for ways to structure your verse successfully.
    Return the feedback
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192481

  3. #3
    Banned
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    2 links or this gets closed.

  4. #4

  5. #5
    ...::ExZaKt::...
    Guest
    juss work on vocab and work on ur structure...cuz u had long lines followed by short lines which will give u a bad flow..

    ~one~

  6. #6
    Banned Chronic Cancer's Avatar
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    you should work on ur shit.....fix ur vocab to a higher array of words......and fix ur structure and u'll be good to go.....peace

  7. #7
    Banned
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    realy wat i think is to work on the vocab a bit,

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