Break Down

[Laureate]

Break Down

Another day gone by, another tally on the wall
As I count the misery before I finally take that fall
Into the depths of the dark and depressed
Shadows flicker on the wall, the shapes of the condemned
It wasn’t always like this, I used to be ok
Chillin at college, had a scholarship and it was great
But day after day shit only got worse
No money for food or rent no matter how much I worked
Grades were droppin and my teachers lost their patience
But Its hard to earn respect on academic probation
Threatened wit suspension as the tension starts to mount
My minds on a milk carton, never be found
I would swear I’m losin it, but I already swear too much
Lfe kicked out my legs and left me without a crutch
Sunk deeper and deeper in disillusions and traps
Cause it’s hard to face the facts when life turned its back
Tried writin to God, but he wouldn’t take my stamps
So I turned to rap where at least I can vent
I’m still losin it and I don’t know where it’s goin
So I’ll stay in this closet with my microphone

[Laureate]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185882
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185688

[..IllThoughtZ..]

This was a laid back piece it seems u wrote this in like 5 minutes...lol....but there were some good qualities nonetheless....though you didnt go very in depth with imagery and vocab you had the presence of emotion which made this drop interesting to me...your structure should've been worked out and you could've incorporated multies but it seems apparent that you probably wasnt worried about that stuff when you were writing...and i like dat, just let it flow and come out how it occurs in your head...anyways i know your skill and you could've came way tighter on this but keep droppin ...IJL

[Laureate]

Thanks...it actually took me bout half hour...its for an audio

[Sand]

this piece was fairly chill, i'm not sure i felt the rhyme scheme all that much, it was relatively simple. i like the concept, kanye. but yeah, it's nothing extraordinary, it lacks substance. but yeah, it's chill. peace

[K9_THESHIT]

this was nice...but the rhymescheme and flow could've been improved(i read "you/your" and there the rhymescheme and flow were done very well,maybe i just didn't feel it now...).in audio you can emphasize the words different,but still more multis would've helped...other than that nothing to criticize.the imagery was done good,as the emotion.good vocabulary and liked the wordchoice.and i could relate to the topic in some way,and the piece appealed to me more this way...overall a good read.keep it up man!

And if you could drop a feed in "a cubist poet"(in my sig) it would be much apreciated.

[djb]

i liked this. i can really relate, rap and spoken word always seems to be there for me no matter what. and it is a good escape from things. not too many multi's in here but a good piece doesnt need to have 2-3 multi's in ever bar, despite what many kids on this site think. especially in audio. many people who rap rarely use multi's. i think the content of this piece speaks louder then any technical part. the most important thing when you write or rap is to touch the listener or reader. well this piece touched me becuase i can really relate. mission complete.

please peep my om drugs. bottom of my sig

[Na~Ledge]

i hear you on this man. I so ready to graduate from college.....but anyway back to your piece. Very nice, and like DJB said it was something I could really relate to. While your vocab, structure, flow, ect were all pretty good the content of this piece relly shone. I personally think that is the most important thing in a verse, the message your trying to get across. If you can sucessfuly get that across to the reader, then it is a success. And I think you did that very well here. So yea, nice drop man, and G/L in SS this season.

Peace

[hollywoodnt]

i liked this alot. it was a suiting length for this piece. the piece really displayed how tired you were and you only needed a short verse to prove that fact. i also liked it because this can be related to so many peoples life. they give and they give and some don't even go anywhere.. eventually you just get tired of it all and you need a big break.. nice

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=186346

[Laureate]

thanks....up?