Quick Life Story...HnR!

[JAY DOT.]

been 21 years in the makin, alot of back breakin, blood sweat and tears through the years/ fears through the night, couldnt sleep tight, he yells we run, its never done/ sum it all up, childhood fucked up, whats next, daughter after sex/ bets got me broke, murder she wrote, left to my own device, i need advice/ mice and men, pain through a pen, papers wet from a drop, it won't stop/ cop an ounce, im a hustler, all day depression smuggler, one day at a time, im out of my mind/ sign to reach for help, so i knelt, "God, don't let me kill myself" i cant go on, i want to see dawn/ wrong to want to die, but it's to hard to cry, i see hate, what's my fate/ wait i got to live, i have my kid, and opportunities knockin at the door, i want more/ four in the morning, i cant sleep, still the depression is too deep, got to me something better, get it together..........

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171498
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171256

[JustInsane]

im feelin this. its afast paced story with real feeling.
you should have written more. keep on peace

[JAY DOT.]

thanks, i would of wrote more but i hate reading, so i dont feel i should make others read long ass verses.

[Jae Hott]

yo that shit was tight you hot

[JAY DOT.]

^ wow i will quote you now.

[Red_]

pretty tith drop dawg
you shoulda ligned up yo lines into bars...neater
i give this an overall 7.5/10

[JAY DOT.]

thanks

[Foreshadow]

Jay I thought that it could have been more complex... But the only real problem that I have with this piece is its structure... Just fix that and I think your work will become better...

[Na~Ledge]

Nice drop. Would have liked to have seen you get a little deeper with the way you presented it but all the same was still heart felt. I give it a thumbs up.

[JAY DOT.]

thanks for the feedback.

[BeRLin`S BesT]

yea structure was strange...but I liked the flow of it created through da large number of multis...very nice dog....pz

[element]

im feelin this. its afast paced story with real feeling.
you should have written more. keep on peace

[JAY DOT.]

thanks...

[warchild]

I was feeling the subject and concept of the song but i think it would of been better if you went deeper in2 it and made the verses longer.
The structure was ok you need to improve the flow and up your vocab a little bit.
But overall i thought it was nice cause of the emotion you put in the rhymes.

Hit this up.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172018