May I ?

[warchild]

Im being honest may i ?
tell you about my pain do you mind if i stay high?
cause it's hard for me to stay sober
im trying to gather thoughts but the days over
the devil, im about to give him the word
to take me to hell cause livings absurd
sometimes i really think i aint shit
my life is a picture of paranoia so why paint it
im fucked up but i try to be true
but everyday im high and be through
with giving a fuck if i'll remain breathing or not
if i died now would my family be grieving or not
maybe they already know whats in store for me
ive already seen so much but i know i got more to see
people tell me to calm down and hold my head up
i try but since i was eight i was cold and fed up

There's much more than blood in my veins
im trying to find unconditional love which is insane
all im used to is that cold affection
this is more than a rhyme so pay close attention
i dont wanna see that cell but i need to teach my foes a lesson
im trying to be true on this song so i have to give those a mention
a better life i got the will to make
but does anybody care? are you still awake?
my mind is more messed up than a killers fate
my demons wanna tear me down till i break
i got my voice so im still flowing
i got no choice and im still knowing
so i stay the same, use weed to delay the pain
what's really on my mind i aint afraid to say
im up all night im just shouting, im high and stressing
people put in charge are more of a mistake than my conception.

I just want some decent feedback, these are 2 verses i wrote a while back i thought they kinda were on the same wavelength so i put em together its just some introspective type shit.

[Mistral]

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

[warchild]

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=169966
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=169928

[conquistador]

wowzah...this was hot...I seriously thing you found Nas' lost rhyme book on the train in queens because this flowed like nas like it was so clean that every two lines you could take a breath like his new song take a moment...this was dope but I'ma out do you in my post son....or atleast try

[MrGolden79]

This was a decent flow to me. I didn't like the first verse, but the second showed your true skills. "im up all night im just shouting, im high and stressing
people put in charge are more of a mistake than my conception." That line was hot and was a good ender. Keep it up man.

[LivenLegend]

diz shit was pretty hot, i was feelin it because u came deep and told a story through it, i was feelin da shit u was sayin, u came hard wit ya Multiz n words yo, keep droppin dat hot shit dawg

* Peace *

[warchild]

Thanks i appreciate the feed i didnt know if any u would feel it cause my mind state is a bit fucked up.
Id like a bit more feed though.

[Raid-R]

it was good in some parts
others u had to read fast to make it ryme
but it seemed kinda depressing or something
talk nice about ur self

hit me up:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170118

[warchild]

Uppin just a bit more feed.

[Keys aka Vital]

I felt this on a Tupac level, almost overly basic...I don't like that the subject is cliche, everybody's got a fucked up life now...I liked the structure, but the flow was off, like where some lines sounded like half of a line. Improve flow and subject matter, and persistency. We may have something good going. 7/10

[Foreshadow]

It was a good piece but if you dont want to go to hell then dont give him the word. But you had some nice qualitys in this piece it was better then some of the other threads that I have read before. But nice work and keep it up.