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Thread: The Untitled.

  1. January 25th, 2005, 12:18 AM #1
    Brian Amaya.
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    The Untitled.

    The Untitled

    Ancient scriptures create blisters as my thoughts continue to linger
    As blood continues to bubble upon my lonely red fingers
    Scars dig like knifes back in time to my childhood days
    As lives fluid flowed from my best friends impeccable ways
    I grew up ruthless as my heart seemed to yearn to stay truthless
    But it was all useless, my life could no longer learn, it confused this
    My babypictures in half, not a full face to collapse
    All of these lies in my past, can I take all these back?
    Gruesome scenes at a young age, the streets locked me up in my cage
    Never let go I'm afraid, I struggled and tumbled with hate
    Could I dispose of all love? Was the Equinox truly to come?
    Or was I just being dumb? Metaphorically soaring my thumb...
    Never showing up in the night... my Momma's face never in sight...
    Will my life stay within this plight? Or will my bad ways leave me and take flight?...
    My eyes were blind to the colors..of my innocent sisters and brothers
    I killed their menacing mothers..without a care for the others...
    Johnny I miss you today, I regret all the bullets we sprayed...
    Back in our horrible days, Can I take back all the hate?...
    Bobby I don't know, you were always my true bro...
    But when you got knifed low, I gave up on life so...
    I'm done with my days of the past, but can I gain innocence back?
    Get my life focus on track, And overcome struggles at last?...
    Only one way to show em, I have to untitle this poem,
    Stop all the rhyming at last, as I write on this final notepad...

    Link
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    Last edited by Brian Amaya.; January 25th, 2005 at 10:41 AM
    The Composition...

    Poetry

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  2. January 25th, 2005, 12:49 AM #2
    SMZ
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    ending was dope - some of the rhyming was ehhish throughout though - I mean it was steady but some words felt out of place - plot progressed well with very few "dead" lines - pretty coo ish - keep at it - peace

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    I'm dead.


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  3. January 25th, 2005, 12:50 AM #3
    Mesmerize
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    You know what I think about this already, but this was a dope poem. This shouldnt be slept on. Keep up the dopeness.

    peace,
    Mez
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  4. January 25th, 2005, 12:52 AM #4
    Brian Amaya.
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    Thanks both of you.
    The Composition...

    Poetry

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  5. January 25th, 2005, 02:48 AM #5
    Mistral
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  6. January 25th, 2005, 10:08 AM #6
    warchild
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    i thought this was dope, the structure was good you switch ya flow up so it didnt get repetitive the vocab was nice, there was a deep message in there.
    it was a nice short story, overall a dope verse.

    return the favour.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=167404
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  7. January 25th, 2005, 10:41 AM #7
    Brian Amaya.
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    Sorry Credz, forgot a link.

    Thanks to all for feedback.
    The Composition...

    Poetry

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  8. January 25th, 2005, 07:46 PM #8
    Brian Amaya.
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    Up...?
    The Composition...

    Poetry

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  9. January 25th, 2005, 08:33 PM #9
    LivenLegend
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    ey u gotta pretty nice style, u chose some nice wordz and i was feelin some of ya punchez, yea it did seem kinda like a poem nice drop tho

    * peace *
    LÎ\/€Ñ L€géñІ

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    l~ArticuatedMenace~l


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  10. January 25th, 2005, 08:41 PM #10
    Rodge
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    yeah i liked the beginning and the very last 4 lines the best, i felt some of it kinda got to stretched, maybe try splittin up thoughts in 2 lines into 4 lines? I liked it though good job.
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  11. January 27th, 2005, 01:30 AM #11
    Brian Amaya.
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    Final up...
    The Composition...

    Poetry

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  12. January 27th, 2005, 01:33 AM #12
    IwIlLmErKyOu
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    hey this poem was sick....good structure, flow, and vocab. i liked everything about it...keep it up.
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