Homeward Bound

[Johnny 6-feet]

Elavate Your Mind- Stealthscripture

Broken Shadow- Whitelightning

This is a piece i wrote on a train ride back to England a few days ago. I hadn't been there in months and i was feeling nostalgic.


I'm sitting on a train, but my head's in the clouds
I've got something on my brain, trying to read it aloud
I'm homeward bound, you know the sound of the thundering tracks?
It's been 6 long months but now i'm wandering back
I've got friends to see, drugs to do, parents to visit
A tightly packed schedule, i'm tired but i'm with it
Been locked in a box of a flat for so long
Suffering paranoia that my life could go wrong
But wherever i roam mate, i'll come back to home base
For vodka without a chase, staying up so late
My friend just had a kid, now he's a beaming father, fuck!
Got a cigar in my travelbag for him to spark it up
I'm thinking about my little sis, shit, she's off to uni
Off to start anew, plus her campus halls are roomy
Been stuck up north paying some extortionate fee's
Working a 9 to 5 job with disproportionate fee's
For taxes, but now i've made my temporary escape
I'm getting my life back, the good times will escalate
I'm just sitting on a train, but my head's in the clouds
I've got something off my brain and now i read it aloud

feedback?

[Cinquix Incision]

nice words an structure i like it

[The Godfather]

its got good words, nice structure, and flows well. i like it. good rhyme

[TERROR CONVICT]

In my point of view your rap seemed extremely simplistic, I mean u got tha point across but i believe it should of been done wit a more expanded vocabulary. And wit more emotion cuz tha direction of your rap included u going back home.
So I think it should grasp tha reader more wit a sense of captivation.

[Cinquix Incision]

RB's most valuable critic^^^

[Fel#ny]

J-6-Feet its a good piece man... i like ya writin style keep up the good work son

[Willy B]

bro shit needed more complex words the ones in there wernt quite fitting for the story you were tryin to tell. the flow was constint. structure could have used some work i kept gettin the feeling this was kinda rushed as well overall this piece had the potiental there but just felt to rushed with not enough emotion in it to really get the feeling of going home. nice piece though fam keep postin

[Jai-Cee]

Eh, some people, you make it simple so they understand and they criticise your for it being too simple, you make it complex so they don't understand and they criticise you for being mentally vexed... Meh...

Anyway...

I thought you did capture emotion in this piece J6F. Not to usual uncanny abilities would suggest, but you certainly did in my opinion.

Rhyme was great or as talented as you can normally do. But either way, it didn't really need to be. And that also goes for the Vocab - I don't think it was neccesary on this piece.

It read a little more like poetry in my opinion, but I think this was emphasised by the first and last bars that you included. Maybe if you used them as part of a hook it would look and sound slightly different.

Bar structure was simple, but it worked. Got the job done.

Overall, not the best peice I've seen from you, and I have seen a LOT of pieces from you, and the majority of them are above average by a good degree... this was average by Open Mic standards.

Peace

[Prince Escobar]

Nice little story, not at all overdone, its just a real good piece to read quickly, something tha stays with you. The flow was good and tellin the story was good, you didnt dig too deep into any unneccessary details which would have taken away from the piece's meaning, nice little drop, stay up, 1luv.

[Interpersonal]

deep piece...i liked the structure and flow was nice...vocab could have been better but you got your point across...one