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Thread: Lucky Seven's(Greatest piece I have ever written)

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Lucky Seven's(Greatest piece I have ever written)

    xtreme-Poetic Damnation
    BTK-Some well earned dissing...


    I was inspired to write this Open Mic by a woman I saw today in town. I live in a relatively good place, but there was a woman on the corner, holding a sign that read, "I have 3 kids 2 feed. Will work 4 food". Sometimes, I think we just let the simplist luxuries we get to experience pass by, without gratitude. Talib Kweli also motivated me. I want a decent reply for this...if that's too much to ask...



    In the cycle of life, we sometimes let too many things surpass
    And lady luck get's too many priorities placed upon her back
    Sad but the path isn't the domain of a dying Mother Nature any more
    But mythology has God's of politics, stopping it is many a lore


    Today, I perceived a woman desperately positioned, in need
    With a sign that read, "Will work 4 money with 3 kids to feed"
    A deed didn't step forward that day for me, and I prayed for her soul
    For a decent payroll, sanctuary as whole, and a way for her to control
    I know it isn't pathetic, but the globe is wrong if it's to be sympathatic
    To be nutritioned, but listen even more pathetic for me to take advantage
    When my mentality is usually in the attic, so practiced and I saw
    The inferior aura of her life in the manicles grasped in a man's jaw
    Surviving the vulture's claws and striving from a morbid source
    The lies of a sorrowed divorce, the remorse of a horrid course
    I wish I could do more, but that sparse money check only comes once a month
    And my resilience can fathom only so much with all these dunce
    To depart this horror, to run home but the coach says to bunt
    So in retrospect the surgeon who was the saviour savored the disgust
    And such, when she lusts lunch, we lust for those butterlies in our stomach
    To forget to alert our cereblum 'cause our gut seems to have a hunch
    So my morality blocks all those bad thoughts, but won't block porn sites
    And my sexual abstinence is caught when Sex in the City is on four nights
    Electricity bill is tight, I need more light for the test that is tomorrow
    But the real test is to fabricate my drunkeness and to pull off as sober
    And when I reach for the stars, our own celebrities are getting lower
    I wanna' end my life with a big bang, but the grass is too high and I don't have a mower
    I know oil is a natural resource, but the quantity and quality varies
    Jesus, I thought every one was an Average Joe, introspectively so was Mary
    While the early cherries are barely ripening, I voluntarily use pesticide
    To infest my berries with discredit, and to put them atop my sunday
    Unless we die, my demise will end in disclosure of universal mathematics
    Cause accelerating in life is a tactic, and Galileo was the magic
    While the sad licks from the quitar pick twinge, I listen to the heaven's sing
    So the sodomy is as scarce as what the lottery ticket Lucky Seven's will bring

    In the cycle of life, we sometimes let too many things surpass
    And lady luck get's too many priorities placed upon her back
    Sad but the path isn't the domain of a dying Mother Nature any more
    But mythology has God's of politics, stopping it is many a lore

    can I kick it?

  2. #2
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    this was brilliant Luke...this was superb...this is the culmination of your poetic expiriments and lyrical testaments...your hard work and consistent pursuit of excellence is distinctly evident and have paid off big time in this...you have surpassed yourself and nearly all of your peers...this is you at your present best...and one of the best i've read on rb....on the net period for that matter...and i know it doesn't mean much to you..but i will nominate this for legends after a few more people drop feed....if they do..your pieces are terribly slept on....

    10/10
    Last edited by Sublime D; September 11th, 2004 at 06:55 PM
    Bittersweet

  3. #3
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Thank you. I wrote this from the deepest trenches of my soul.

    Uppin'.
    can I kick it?

  4. #4
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    ok this was very good!!

    To start with your flow was excellent, it never fell off during the piece from what i can see, that makes a good start as its easy to follow, your structure was perfect basically....dont think you could of improved this anymore, this also made it very easy to ready and understand man!

    Ok now the writers voice is the main thing i look for in a open mic, and is also the most important as this helps give your messege across......and you did a superb job on this! The way you contrasted how we take for granted different things in life and the aspect of the other side, like that women with the sign was very well projected! And also how luck can have a big factor in life also!! I think i got most of our hidden messages in this piece, but if i didnt the other were very well disgised!!

    Your emotion was also very good, and you potrayed how you felt when you saw this poor women, and let your emotions pour out!! like where you sed

    "I pray for her soul"

    ^^ given that you dont even know this women and you are heart felt toward her, and are sympathetic to her needs shows you put alot of emotion into this!! Good Job!

    Vocab was good also, maybe could of been improved in a few areas where i though you didnt pick the right words to go with that part of the piece! (but every single person on RB thinks different, so its ok)

    Fave Lines = know oil is a natural resource, but the quantity and quality varies
    Jesus, I thought every one was an Average Joe, introspectively so was Mary

    ^^ Very powerful words there my man!! nice!!

    Overall i think this is a great piece, and you you have put alot of effort into, i dont agree with D i didnt think this piece wasnt a 10/10, but it gets damm close!! Very nice read man.....and i hope you keep droping these words of magic!!

    9.4/10

    PZ
    Last edited by Reeco; September 11th, 2004 at 07:15 PM

  5. #5
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Thank you Timeless and Sublime. Uppin twice.
    can I kick it?

  6. #6
    La Foret Incineratedrose's Avatar
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    "In the cycle of life, we sometimes let too many things surpass
    And lady luck get's too many priorities placed upon her back
    Sad but the path isn't the domain of a dying Mother Nature any more
    But mythology has God's of politics, stopping it is many a lore"

    by far a great way to end it.. i thought this was really good and i loved the emotion that you poured into it.. i really dont have much to say but it was beautiful.. that pretty much says all that i have to say
    MondoThugs.

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  7. #7
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Thank you. Up.
    can I kick it?

  8. #8
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    you betta agree with me!

    *smacks timeless*

    lol....
    Bittersweet

  9. #9
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    ...


    Do Not Freepost, Everyone Stop Freeposting In This Thread. Its Not Made For Conversation.

    -Credz
    Last edited by Mistral; September 11th, 2004 at 10:50 PM

  10. #10
    Coo Shit...
    www.soundclick.com/wirdproductions

  11. #11
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Freeposting faggot^. Throw ice cubes at him!
    can I kick it?

  12. #12
    Banned The Drifter's Avatar
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    Dope man.. one of your best pieces.

    Inspired as you say by some woman you saw makes it more meaningful.. and I actually read it the second time to the beat of Monotony by Tonedeff.. which added even more to it.

    It flowed well.. once I got past the long lines (after just reading a short lined piece).. and each bar complimented the next.

    Hard to quote a few bars.. as every bar was dope and well though out.. they connected well. I liked the way you kinda drifted from introducing the woman.. to thoughts on what caused her to be where she is now.. to your own thoughts on her position and to thoughts about yourself so to speak. All moulded together seamlessly.

    Vocab was excellent throughout.. while not over-doing it.. and the porn sites/Sex & The City references added a bit of 'reality humour' to it if you get me.

    Opener and closer were great.. surprisingly worked well as both a start and end verse.

    Actually..

    When my mentality is usually in the attic, so practiced and I saw
    The inferior aura of her life in the manicles grasped in a man's jaw

    I liked that bar.. excellent second line.

    Overall one of the best pieces on RB.. meaningful.. well thought out and with some nice touches.

    Dope piece man.. props.

  13. #13
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    Dope shit man, really dope. Emotion was felt in this piece, no doubt. And the imagery was great, content in it was dope. I was feelin' most of the lines:

    Quote Originally Posted by MC Pinacle
    Electricity bill is tight, I need more light for the test that is tomorrow
    But the real test is to fabricate my drunkeness and to pull off as sober
    And when I reach for the stars, our own celebrities are getting lower
    I wanna' end my life with a big bang, but the grass is too high and I don't have a mower
    I know oil is a natural resource, but the quantity and quality varies
    Jesus, I thought every one was an Average Joe, introspectively so was Mary


    I was feelin' alot of them, but for some reason I liked these lines the most, although everything else was still good. Liked your approach on this topic, on how that woman inspired you to write this. If this wasn't nominated for OM Hall of Fame, then I'll nominate it now. Flow was great as well, liked it alot. Alot of creative shit in there too.

    Keep it up man.

    Peace

  14. #14
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    I love you^.

    Up. Any more thoughts on Legends?
    can I kick it?

  15. #15
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    yo this waz deep yo, i like the emotion in this it gets real deep wen u start 2 read it mad wordplay i cant really leave dat much feedbak i gotta get ready 4 werk but good piece yo

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