My Pain Runs Deep

[FanTa ZeE]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=143166
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142976

Pain isn't a feeling that simply etches the skin or scratches the surface,
Not to give way to bleeding, its runs deeper, poisons the fires burning within,
So it changes the person, while physical scars are healing.
Pain isn't a recess that stops at the source, that tingles then fades,
Once the blood's run its course, it stays in the memories,
And is recalled through remorse, in times of true heartache;
Through methods of force.

Pain isn't a passion, a vital need that we crave, but it happens at times,
As we transition from cradle to grave, It makes us fight harder,
When lost hope's turning stale, it gives us incentive, to bury fear and prevail,
To hold our heads high, cause sometimes we've got to be brave,
Just to get up in the morning, when we believe that we've failed.

Pain can be recovered through determination and strength,
And the hurt that we suffered can wither to some extent,
Never fully forgotton, but pushed to the far corners of sense,
To the back of our vision as we begin to rebuild our defense,
Pain causes us setbacks, but we can get back on our feet,
And make up for lost ground, now that we had to retreat,
And the power we gained, through the process of grief,
Can make the future seem brighter, as we turn over a new leaf.

[lyricalmami]

Damn...Yo man This was some hott ish. real talent right here. keep it up aight.

Holla

[t-west]

As much as I like to make negative comments...I have none here. I actually enjoyed reading this to be completely honest...read it a 2nd time to make sure that I didn't miss anything.

"Pain isn't a recess that stops at the source, that tingles then fades,
Once the blood's run its course, it stays in the memories,
And is recalled through remorse, in times of true heartache;
Through methods of force."

^Really stood out to me...

What I like about this piece is that...you choose a topic that can be applied to everyday life...and pretty much everybody can understand exactly what your talking about. Also, you clearly prove that quality matters much more than quantity...as you were able to express a complete thought in such a short verse.

Very good job...I didn't really see a rhyme scheme or anythin' (or is it me?)...but it wasn't needed, I really enjoyed this.

Return the favour and respond to this piece please...thank you.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=143271

pz. god bless.
- T-West.

[Sublime D]

ehhhhhh.....this was ooookkkk....i didn't feel it...it was kind of corny...im a little disapointed..your structure was good and your flow was ok...this was more like a poem because the rhyming wasn't that tight...um...ionno..i didn;t feel this, i don't have much to say, i hope you write things better than this....(reads again, hoping he missed something)

ok second read....it makes more sense..definately a poem..still don't really feel it...btu it's good...there is no rhyme scheme, at first since this was an open mic i thought you had tried to create one and failed...btu nwo i see that you weren't tryign to make one at all...open mics are raps though..raps need tight rhyme schemes and structures...

as a poem : 8.9/10

as an open mic 8.0 (a best)/10

[lyricalmami]

Damn...Thats kinda HARSh and un-openminded, dontcha think?

[Sublime D]

i have a reason to be harsh, he's a new recruit for my crew...ima hodl him to a higher standard than any other lyricist on this site....and don't criticize my criticism...im one of the harshest critics on the site...

o yeah hit this up when u have the chance http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=142629

[FanTa ZeE]

hmm hmm, Sublime, I'm disappointed in you...not the critisism, i'm ok with that..don't mind people giving me advice..its more the fact that you thought i was a guy! LMAO, i'm a laydee! hee hee... anyway, thanks for the advice, and i know you like reading poetic pieces more right, i'm gonna post this up in scriptures as well, i just figured i'd get more allround advice if i left in open mic, where people of all talents could veiw it...nah mean? anyway....uppin!

[Bloom.Quist]

Wow. Great emotion in this piece m'lady. You always bring outstanding emotion into ure writing. Only thing i didnt like about this was the flow, iono i couldnt figure out how you were rhyming it, confused me. Otherwise the wording, emotion, and the structural properties were all great. Good job.

[StraighAce]

this was a good piece structure was there, flow really wasnt, but your emotion was great, and the way you worded it was excellent, this was a good drop

"Pain isn't a recess that stops at the source, that tingles then fades,
Once the blood's run its course, it stays in the memories,
And is recalled through remorse, in times of true heartache;
Through methods of force."

best bars right there keep dropin



hit me up w/ feedback links in sig

[Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic]

Very good emotion thrown into this piece. Though, I have A.D.D when it comes to poetry, I actually read through this, got a good general idea, and it actually was one of the better pieces I read in a minute. This was excellent, and im not a poet vet so i really can't criticize because i can't compare it to other shit i read and hear. Good drop.

[FanTa ZeE]

thanks for all the replies.