Torn Apart..

[Freeman]

Torn Apart

A man on the edge..
.. Focusing on a lonely point
His body ceasing up..
.. As though artiritis riddles each joint
Body freezing up..
.. His brow creasing as he prepares to jump
The bubble in his throat..
.. Slowly becomes a lump
Tears pump and drop onto his lips..
.. So the pain; he can now taste it
Longing to fall off..
.. Leave his body mangled and wasted
But backing out he calls..
.. "I dont want to fall, no not at all
I want to walk and not crawl..
.. Can you make me big and not small?
Someone, anyone..
.. Will somebody please help me
Turn my rags into riches..
.. Erase illness and make me healthy"
Enticed by an old school trick..
.. Cold, alone and full of hate
A red eyed demon casts out..
.. a rich and tempting bait
Dangles is seductively..
.. Suspended in midair infront of his nose
Fire erupts from the floor..
.. Surely and steadily, it grows
The heat rises dramatically..
.. So much hotter than warm
Brimestone towers rise up..
.. To reveal the power of a shining form
The devil speaks..
.. His voice peaks at a low rattling breath
"I can give you anything..
.. Save you if you're an inch from death"
He strikes a deal with the devil..
.. "I want to be happy and rich
Please help me switch up my life..
.. And get me out of this ditch"
"I'll take your soul then..."
.. He said, replying in a whisper
"... You'll be happy and rich..
.. But you wont be needing that, mister"
His broad, evil smile spreads..
.. The devil, vicious and so cunning
Ties a fire rope around his neck..
.. Then he turns and starts running
The coils lessen..
.. The knot around his neck tightened
As the rope became tort..
.. The man was sweatin' 'n' gettin' frightened
A pain beyond measure..
.. The devils sad 'n' sadistic pleasure
Eager to rip and tear him apart..
.. Jus' to get his treasure
Surprisingly the rope..
.. Never took off his head
Instead it ripped the soul right out..
.. Leaving him empty but not yet dead
As he stood there..
.. He simply wished to go back to the start
Forever stuck in the moment..
.. Of when his body and soul got torn apart

[Freeman]

Link..

There you go, Credz.

[SMZ]

scheme was pretty good - your stupid structure makes everything look twice as long as it is - slid the dialogue in pretty smoothly - some of the thoughts seemed a little disjointed - like it jumped from one frame to another without going through the two in between - pretty good imagery - overall a decent drop - well there's one idea for being "Torn Apart" gone - body and soul torn - kids will have to think even harder now...

[Freeman]

Refrain from calling my struture stupid, thank you.



Thanks for the feedback.

Up.

Peace.

[$pitacular]

Liked the story, it's been done, but this had a nice twist in the way it was broke down... some vocab improvements would help, but you're obviously a decent writer... you should keep at it, good shit.

pz

[Freeman]

I like your avy ^

[Baron Mynd]

Lay off my styles?

I'll critique later, but damn, i use the centering thimg - you jock that, i use this style - you jocked that. Shit, you even jocked my `..` thing between lines.


STOP IT.

[Born To Kill]

For Christ's sake, Cam...

You didn't do EVERYTHING first!

If only your talent was as big as your ego...

It mighta used to be...but you've managed to outdo yourself lately.

Free...

I'll drop feedback in the battle, my man.

Peace

[Baron Mynd]

shut up, i dont care for your opinion on me. everytime its the same bullshit when you arent even considered good HERE. I originated the [center] format here, its obvious i did because it was me that asked for the center tag to be turned on in this forum. Then i start writing my verses in this forum with THIS layout, and what do i see? Cheap style imitations going on already. It really wouldnt bother me, but its gay. just makes you look unoriginal for following trends and not creating something for yourself for once.

[Freeman]

Cam, it is the writing that matters..
.. Not the way it is set out.

Are you on a life long red day or something?

Chill the fuck out. I rarely read your shit unless you IM it me like you used to. I certanly didnt read your pieces when I first came here, I type like that because it is the way I type. Always have.

Thanks, Born.

Peace.

[SMZ]

Freeman's been doing that setup for a while now - before you joined again...
and he's only done the centering on one piece - so your claim that he "stole" that from you is off also.

[The EYE]

To Avoid Conflict This is my new style
If anyone bites it... Beware...
Like BTK, I'll reply in the battle Freeman

[Baron Mynd]

You new kids are just gay. You side with whoever can rhyme two syllables in the SS league lately and think their the new legend worthy members.

GAY.

[The EYE]

No, assumptions are GAY
and I tend to respect someone on a Rhyming Board
....That can Rhyme....

[SMZ]

Um no - personally me and Freeman merely have a certain amount of grudging respect for one another - my interaction with him stops at me asking him to view my pieces and me viewing his - I know that you can write - you were merely wrong in this instance - so I pointed it out...