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Thread: Pleasure and Pain...

  1. February 29th, 2004, 08:39 AM #1
    Freeman
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    Pleasure and Pain...

    Pleasure...

    Ecstatic with joy.. The excitement just takes control
    Blinded with mist...
    ... Shrouding the mind, body and soul
    Joyous shrieks can be heard.. Emitting from the male
    The women giving her man pleasure...
    ... While he's on bail from jail
    Senses collapse.. Climatic feelings arise out of his very being
    Breasts bouncing infront of his gorging eyes...
    ... Thats what he is seeing
    Pleasure takes over.. Eyes roll into the back of his head
    Remembering this moment forever...
    ... Holding onto every shred
    Because even in times of leisure.. Its hard to find and measure
    Not a feeling in the world as great...
    ... As the feeling of pleasure


    Pain...

    Blade slowly drawing across the skin.. Ripping and biting deep
    Cut to the bone, blood starts pouring...
    ... Eyes begin to weep
    Fists pound flesh.. Bruise and batter innocent faces
    Blood and mess drips to the floor...
    ... Dropped in unknown places
    Gunshots enter the body.. Boring through the bone
    Pneumatically drilling...
    ... Causing a aching groan
    Tortured painfully.. Harassed by the constant water drips
    Going insanely at acute angles...
    ... Being poked by white hot tips
    Tormented in the head.. Vicous anger breeds in every cell
    There is no pain at all compared...
    ... To the pain of a living hell

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  2. February 29th, 2004, 09:19 AM #2
    Endeva.
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    i thought this was a pretty interesting read...blah blah... i thought your scheme was nice, but i aint keen on having lines with jus the one rhyme in them, after the others have more,,, it knocks the read a bit... sounds alot better if you keep atleast 2... but other than that, cant fault it.... well written...
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]
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  3. February 29th, 2004, 09:27 AM #3
    Penskills
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    I think you may have to readjust your strucutre...at times it's a bit diffcult to follow..what I mean by that is,Your structure makes it hard for me to stay on the story,your bar layout is a bit confusing and it just doesn't work for me..other than that..this was a okay
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  4. February 29th, 2004, 09:42 AM #4
    SMZ
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    Your imagery was very good with describing the feelings. Flow seemed good to me. Vocab was good but your rhymes were somewhat simplistic. This line just seemed out of place:
    "While he's on bail from jail"
    As mentioned you don't have any other rhymes like that in there so the tempo is slow and then you just throw that in there and it doesn't fit. Saw a few awkward wordings as well but overall pretty good. Your lines were a bit shorter than things I've seen of yours before - which was good - made the rhymes more compact - still would like to see a more complex scheme. Liked your closer to verse one - would have liked to see you reword closer on verse two to end with "pain". Keep writing - hit my Lamentations if you get a chance.

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  5. February 29th, 2004, 09:47 AM #5
    Freeman
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    Thanks for the comments...

    Here are my links...

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117248

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117111

    Pz...

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  6. February 29th, 2004, 10:53 AM #6
    State_of_Mind
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    i like this read...hot but the vocab seemed alot beter than the structure...the pain verse was hotter...6.5/10 nice job
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  7. February 29th, 2004, 10:57 AM #7
    Freeman
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    The structure is fine...

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  8. February 29th, 2004, 11:04 AM #8
    SMZ
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    "The structure is fine... "
    Aye - but your way of posting makes it unnecessarily difficult to pick up. If your convinced that that's your style go for it - but it does throw the flow of a bit.

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  9. February 29th, 2004, 11:06 AM #9
    Freeman
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    Honestly...

    It flows good... You must be reading it funny... It is fine honestly... ...

    Pz...

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  10. February 29th, 2004, 11:26 AM #10
    Mistral
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    This was a nice piece here man....I enjoyed the read....I thought the structure was fine...Your vocab in this was nice, it had good vocab through out it....The flow was good, it just flowed very smoothly....I liked the imagery in this, it was nice....overall a nice piece....made a good read.
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  11. March 1st, 2004, 02:11 PM #11
    Freeman
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    Thank you Credz..

    Uppin this..

    Pz..

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  12. March 2nd, 2004, 11:26 AM #12
    FanTa ZeE
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    hey, sorry i didn't reply to this earlier, and i'm not yet registered in Elevated, sorry.

    anyway, i liked the contrast you set up here, pleasure and pain is a great topic, often done, but people have unique takes on their specific pleasures, and their specific pains, its opinionated, which is good to read, because its always different, and i loved the emotion that came through strong, especially in the pain verse, amazing, and thanks for voting on my battle, its now closed i'm glad to say!

    your a dope rhymer, keep on up!
    Def Poets
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  13. March 2nd, 2004, 12:23 PM #13
    Ron B. Vicious
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    i liked the structure, dope drop, yo did i miss any of your drops when i was gone? If so PM me the links i enjoy reading your shit.
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  14. March 2nd, 2004, 12:43 PM #14
    ELEETE
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    Freeman Ill take your word on the structure cause it seems fine to me...When i read it it seems fine...As always your imagery is one of the best on this site. I like the contrasting subject matter you had in this...Very good once again...I must say your Pain verse was great....really stood out from the two....dope job.....read my collab with Credz called Corrupted Visions when you got the time....
    Corrupted Visions
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...84#post1230684

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  15. March 2nd, 2004, 01:07 PM #15
    Bare Knuckles
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    Great concept.

    Nicely executed.

    Senses collapse.. Climatic feelings arise out of his very being
    Breasts bouncing infront of his gorging eyes...
    ... Thats what he is seeing
    Pleasure takes over.. Eyes roll into the back of his head
    Remembering this moment forever...
    ... Holding onto every shred
    The breasts thing is so true - it`s a lovely pleasure.

    I think you dropped a lot better in the "Pain" aspect, but that`s probably becaue I prefer depressionistic pieces, therefore you can understand why I thought this got better and better as I read it.

    Dope.
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