Of Dawn's Abyss

[whoami]

Of Dawn's Abyss
or
The Sad Chatter of a Mad Hatter

Wandering white doves drift by . . .
Pondering, high-strung, if I could fly . . .
Would I reminisce above the riptide?

Gift tied, I delivered my presence wrapped, entrapped
in wax, shrouded in shrapnel, a casual jackal in mask.
As long as I am upright, I am uptight, laughing at the thought
that love might subside my lust quite; yet it's something always sought.

Injections of saline, now the scenes of daily, seem not to dissuade me
when pleas fraught with dismay mean please stop with the hating.

"He's no longer with us - caught in the daydream, his soliloquy sedating."

Standing at the edge of the bronze cliffs, at the behest of Dawn's Abyss:
Aim not amiss, my demons beckon the plunge under veils anonymous.
Of course I'm not fond of this, I am a slave upon this ship, sinking,
its destination being anywhere other than the space I do my thinking.

I owe my own men some sort of omen when it comes to the notion
of roamin' oceans alone without matters of motion; one's devotion
prone to lacking motivation without a way home from the wave's throne.
My loyalty - paved stone - unwavering and authentic as clay bone -
lingers lonesomely on the brink, wishing it had only stayed home.

My desperate demons' demeaning demands - atrocious;
absentmindedly approaching ends of rope - psychosis.

Picturing pigment of a figurine figment pendent upon a penchant need
for penmanship premises promising the honoring of hedonistic henchmen.

Perhaps I can carry on after all . . .

After all, inundating, marry song -
undulating, weary calm -
stored my soul aft - her all . . .



Feedback:
- http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...=1#post8795959
- http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...=1#post8798666

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Of Dawn's Abyss
or
The Sad Chatter of a Mad Hatter

Wandering white doves drift by . . .
Pondering, high-strung, if I could fly . . .
Would I reminisce above the riptide?

Gift tied, I delivered my presence wrapped, entrapped
in wax, shrouded in shrapnel, a casual jackal in mask.
As long as I am upright, I am uptight, laughing at the thought
that love might subside my lust quite; yet it's something always sought.

^There were a couple of moments of conflicting imagery, at least in my opinion. Example: "Pondering/high strung", Idk...I guess to me to ponder something portrays a state of deliberate concentration or focus in a calm sort of manner; whereas the imagery of being high strung paints a picture in my head of a sporadic or nervous like emotion.

Also

"Uptight/laughing" doesn't really seem to convey the same imagery.

In any case, pet peeves aside, I'm really intrigued by your intro. It's abstract but poetic. I'm not quite sure where this is headed but I'm curious to find out. Nice start!

Injections of saline, now the scenes of daily, seem not to dissuade me
when pleas fraught with dismay mean please stop with the hating.

"He's no longer with us - caught in the daydream, his soliloquy sedating."

^I thought the flow was tight! Content wise it's still a little too whimsical and abstract for me. However; that last line was pretty cool.

Standing at the edge of the bronze cliffs, at the behest of Dawn's Abyss:
Aim not amiss, my demons beckon the plunge under veils anonymous.
Of course I'm not fond of this, I am a slave upon this ship, sinking,
its destination being anywhere other than the space I do my thinking.

I owe my own men some sort of omen when it comes to the notion
of roamin' oceans alone without matters of motion; one's devotion
prone to lacking motivation without a way home from the wave's throne.
My loyalty - paved stone - unwavering and authentic as clay bone -
lingers lonesomely on the brink, wishing it had only stayed home.

^OKAY ... Now we're fuckin cookin, bro. That whole section was fuckin dope! The multis, internals, the entire scheme and technique. Sick flow. Your vocabulary was on point as well. And your content had some real shinning moments (hence the lines in bold). Great writing.

My desperate demons' demeaning demands - atrocious;
absentmindedly approaching ends of rope - psychosis.

Picturing pigment of a figurine figment pendent upon a penchant need
for penmanship premises promising the honoring of hedonistic henchmen.

^Nice use of alliterations and assonaces in this passage. I noticed you have a natural ability for that sort of writing. It comes of as being effortless and confident when I read it.

Perhaps I can carry on after all . . .

After all, inundating, marry song -
undulating, weary calm -
stored my soul aft - her all . . .

^ I like that play on the word. I also like the callbacks. Nice way to wrap it all up.

Vedict: I enjoyed the verse. I mean, I had/have a few critics, but overall It was a really entertaining read with a lot of elements to get lost in. It held my attention with the lyrics and the technique kept surprising me. Good shit.


Peace....

[Judge Mentill]

Do I detect some shadow of the colossus influence here? Poetic flair man, this was a vocab heavy and multi packed piece that felt like a dive and swim around in the consciousness of your narrator. I enjoyed the switched pace of the lines never felt like they got out of beat. The meaning did become a little vague in parts but the strengths of the piece outweighed the minor niggles. The length was good and you held my attention until the end.

Great work.

[Emily]

whoami, you've got an unreal grasp on the technical aspects of writing this sort of stuff.
I won't go into it again because I think @SELF ACTIVATE did a good job summing up my thoughts on your technical abilities.
Your vocab choices sometimes really surprise me, there's such class at times that seeps out in a way that really adds to the piece and injects wonders into the imagery for the reader.
I doubt I've read a piece of yours that's one dimensional.
Every time I read something of yours not only do you have it jam packed with multis and internals and what not, but you never fail to have that emotional aspect as well, which without, I'd probably find the piece flat and lifeless. As it stands, your work is never flat. It always has a pulse.
Some beautiful vocab was used here. There were stages where you lost me a bit though.
I think either I'm tired or the part I got lost on was just a tad too out there for me/abstract.
But I got back on track and found your wording clever, and this piece as a whole,
very interesting to read.

I think what I like the most about this drop, are the rhymes. They're great.
That flow is just lovely.
You actually do make music with your words.
It's clear as day when I read it out loud.

Of course I'm not fond of this, I am a slave upon this ship, sinking,
its destination being anywhere other than the space I do my thinking.

I owe my own men some sort of omen when it comes to the notion
of roamin' oceans alone without matters of motion; one's devotion

My loyalty - paved stone - unwavering and authentic as clay bone -
lingers lonesomely on the brink, wishing it had only stayed home.

My desperate demons' demeaning demands - atrocious;
absentmindedly approaching ends of rope - psychosis.

Picturing pigment of a figurine figment pendent upon a penchant need
for penmanship premises promising the honoring of hedonistic henchmen.

These are my favourite bars. So well written. Perfectly painted pictures.
You have such a knack for this. I liked this piece, but I loved these bars.
I also liked the outro. I thought it had an eerie vibe to it, and that in itself,
isn't easy to do. Well done, whoami.

Btw, that picture you've got up here, is stunning.




Thank you for this.

[Stranger]

You already know I was feeling this, well done though you had 2 pieces in wotm on another site, but I think this one should of got it, I liked the vision heir one to, but this one is better.

Wandering white doves drift by . . .
Pondering, high-strung, if I could fly . . .
Would I reminisce above the riptide?

Gift tied, I delivered my presence wrapped, entrapped
in wax, shrouded in shrapnel, a casual jackal in mask.
As long as I am upright, I am uptight, laughing at the thought
that love might subside my lust quite; yet it's something always sought.

I liked this, it was meaningful and had some poetic substance ot it.

Injections of saline, now the scenes of daily, seem not to dissuade me
when pleas fraught with dismay mean please stop with the hating.

"He's no longer with us - caught in the daydream, his soliloquy sedating."

cool here though, didn't exactly know what soliloguy meant, but I guess that's what google is for, good shit here.

Standing at the edge of the bronze cliffs, at the behest of Dawn's Abyss:
Aim not amiss, my demons beckon the plunge under veils anonymous.
Of course I'm not fond of this, I am a slave upon this ship, sinking,
its destination being anywhere other than the space I do my thinking.

I liked this too, could be my favorite quote in this verse.

I owe my own men some sort of omen when it comes to the notion
of roamin' oceans alone without matters of motion; one's devotion
prone to lacking motivation without a way home from the wave's throne.
My loyalty - paved stone - unwavering and authentic as clay bone -
lingers lonesomely on the brink, wishing it had only stayed home.

clay bone, that was sick right there.

My desperate demons' demeaning demands - atrocious;
absentmindedly approaching ends of rope - psychosis.

great usage of vocab here.. not to shabby.

Picturing pigment of a figurine figment pendent upon a penchant need
for penmanship premises promising the honoring of hedonistic henchmen.

wow you and your big words, jp this is good shit.

Perhaps I can carry on after all . . .

After all, inundating, marry song -
undulating, weary calm -
stored my soul aft - her all . . .

overall, this was a really great drop, you have a wide vocab range, that's dope as fuck as long as you're not using complicated words out of context, good to see someone that knows how to use vocabulary to their advantage..good stuff here.

[TheIllyricist]

Of Dawn's Abyss
or
The Sad Chatter of a Mad Hatter

First, nice title. Dawn, the beginning of light to the day. But then you got that possessive, abyss; darkness. Setting us up for something a bit dark there. Dawn personified almost, light's darkness. And the second title also fits. I'm sensing the rambling of a depressed mad man. I better not be disappointed.

Wandering white doves drift by . . .
Pondering, high-strung, if I could fly . . .
Would I reminisce above the riptide?

White doves is a nice piece of imagery, and image of serenity and peace. Got that quiet beginning, a sense of calm. But then you end reminiscing above the riptide, and riptide is an interesting choice. Hopefully not only chosen for the rhyme because the word really works. That riptide, it's rough and hard to swim in. Chaotic, pulls us out and sucks us in to the vast expanse of the ocean water. Deep dark, (dare I say abyssal) and frightening. But, if you could fly, would you be able to reminisce above the chaos. Untethered from all of that craziness...

Gift tied, I delivered my presence wrapped, entrapped
in wax, shrouded in shrapnel, a casual jackal in mask.
As long as I am upright, I am uptight, laughing at the thought
that love might subside my lust quite; yet it's something always sought.

Gift tied. Delivered your own presence as a gift. That's interesting. Wax... shrouded in shrapnel. This war imagery adds another dimension/layer. Love might subside your lust, yet it seems you can't overcome your base desires. Imprisoned by your own mind perhaps.

Injections of saline, now the scenes of daily, seem not to dissuade me
when pleas fraught with dismay mean please stop with the hating.

"He's no longer with us - caught in the daydream, his soliloquy sedating."

Injections of saline. Huh. Salt. Also making me think of eyedrops and that'd make sense for the whole vision aspect here. Playing around with sight, our perceptions of reality. And he isn't with us anymore cus' he's caught up in a different reality.

Standing at the edge of the bronze cliffs, at the behest of Dawn's Abyss:
Aim not amiss, my demons beckon the plunge under veils anonymous.
Of course I'm not fond of this, I am a slave upon this ship, sinking,
its destination being anywhere other than the space I do my thinking.

I owe my own men some sort of omen when it comes to the notion
of roamin' oceans alone without matters of motion; one's devotion
prone to lacking motivation without a way home from the wave's throne.
My loyalty - paved stone - unwavering and authentic as clay bone -
lingers lonesomely on the brink, wishing it had only stayed home.

Clay bone is a pretty cool combination right there. Slave upon the ship, sinking into the anonymous veil; diving off the bronze cliffs into that great vast dark. Not fond of it, but you can't do anything. You are at the behest of someone else, or even yourself. Inner workings working against your own workings.That personification of loyalty, wishing it had stayed home; that's a cool piece of wording and idea right there. Wishing it had stayed home... loyal to other people... but it's hard to stay loyal when you can't overcome your own demons.

My desperate demons' demeaning demands - atrocious;
absentmindedly approaching ends of rope - psychosis.

Picturing pigment of a figurine figment pendent upon a penchant need
for penmanship premises promising the honoring of hedonistic henchmen.

The demands are atrocious, your inner demons have you approaching the end of the rope. Suicide? Death... Going psychotic. Shit's dark and I love it. Don't know if you need those second two lines. They're impressive technically, but from my view... They don't necessarily add something important to this whole piece.

Perhaps I can carry on after all . . .

After all, inundating, marry song -
undulating, weary calm -
stored my soul aft - her all . . .

Carry on after all. Is that a bit of hope there? Marry Song. Could we ready that as Mary's Song? Soul kept stored and in tact thanks to 'her'. Some light at the end of the tunnel maybe. Who knows, kind of ambiguous here and I can roll with that.

I really like that picture you chose too. It's kind of beautifully apt fro this whole piece. Single girl dwarfed by a gargantuan monster of shadow and darkness. But if you read this, what I see is that that monstrous titan is not a titan at all. It's just a man. A man who appears larger because his demons and problems make it seem like that. In a world of mental hurt and decisions that don't help him and the only one who can pull him back from that cliff is her. Single voice to believe in the he that even he doesn't believe in.

Great shit right here, I still think you could think about editing some lines here and there that might not add the substance you'd like. But still, technically skilled and a great concept.