Enter The Mind.

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Thread: Enter The Mind.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Battle Record

    Enter The Mind.

    A poem a wrote a while back...

    You're entering the mind of someone with anxiety and depression
    Someone who fails to see the obsession of possessions
    A person who doesn't fathom the suppression of this recession
    A person who only has poetry as his blessing of expression

    You're entering the mind of someone who drinks excessively
    Someone who tries to live life progressively
    A person who can learn things exceptionally
    A person who has demons possessing me

    A role damaged but intriguing
    A soul banished and is bleeding
    My whole plan is me retreating
    An old man vanquished by his beating

    Born with nothing, die with nothing
    Nothing but the lessons of life
    I feel I must live for something
    Something other than addressing strife

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Battle Record
    Awards PS Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW
    OM HOF
    3x PC HOF
    10x SOTW
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    2x PS Champion

    Re: Enter The Mind.

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  3. #3
    Em-UhTh-Double Guh-Ah MuhThugga's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002

    Re: Enter The Mind.

    I think your piece suffers from trying to rhyme. Rhyming can help or hinder the flow of a poem, and I think it does the latter in your case. For instance, "A person who can learn things exceptionally/A person who has demons possessing me." The coherence of the last line seems to have been forfeited for the sake of continuing the rhyme.

    Tighten up the syllables of each line. There are times when your lines are way too long for the sake of fitting in the rhyme scheme you have created for the verse.

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