What I Lost in You

[Smurk856]

You always fuck up,
when you're the most fucked Up.
Liquor Speaks,
Though you're meant to be
kept Safe in your minds Vault...
and it's my fault.

I knew I should turn my phone off
after shots of Patron,
things I Only Speak
When I'm alone...
but never out loud.
Now I'm texting her,
like I Wish We Had
- that Kid We Created.

The miscarriage left me damaged.
I wish my soul could Be Carried 
to 1st aid, that cut too big...
For any band aid.
She calls me crying,
like 'why you lying? 
you showed no emotion 
when we lost the baby...'

Maybe my pride
didn't wanna show you it hurt,
So you Can Feel 
like everything is all Good,
but inside My Soul Cried 
Leaving my BODY flooded.
You can see it in my eye
but no tears - my Face Remained Dry.
I Scream 'I CARED I CARED!!!!
I SPEAK THE TRUTH 
TO KNOW WE LOST 
- A PIECE OF US.
IN YOU MEANS A PIECE OF ME
DIED IN YOU
AND MY LOVE FOR U DID TOO!!!'
Now the liquor has said to much,
she hung up.

I thought my heart did too...
That night I lost the Baby Mom.
I never knew I prayed everyday,
for the baby I lost in you.

[143]

I think you gotta break this up....I see the vision in this poem but it's running like a derailed train. The imagery in this gets blurred because this comes off like a drunken tirade. It needs some pauses...you have wonderful content but when jammed together it loses its brilliance. Space it out...let it breathe...

[Smurk856]

Can you show me how u would space it bro I'm new to this

[Smurk856]

I think you gotta break this up....I see the vision in this poem but it's running like a derailed train. The imagery in this gets blurred because this comes off like a drunken tirade. It needs some pauses...you have wonderful content but when jammed together it loses its brilliance. Space it out...let it breathe...

I'd really appreciate it and I'll repost it and I'll use your format on all my next pieces bro

[Wordz AhGod.]

from a quick glance I can see this is missing structure.. structure is used to determine the proper break down from line to line.. in its simplest form, its pretty much the syllable count of each line. you want to maintain them closely together, this syllable count is usually based on your first line.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<------lets assume that is 16 syllables
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<--------this being the second line can be between 16 - 20 syllables

different example
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<------lets assume this is 10 syllables
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<------this can be between 10 and 14 syllables

You don't want to go too far to the point where you deviate from your syllable counts or the flow and structure will be way off its mark and feel like the line is taking forever to end. This in turn takes away from the transition of the story, topic, piece that you are describing to us.

[Smurk856]

Better ?

[Wordz AhGod.]

What I Lost In You

You Always Fuck up
When your the Most Fucked Up...
Liquor Speaks Thoughs you ment to kept Safe in ur minds Vault & Its my fault...
I knew I should Turn off My phone
after Shots of Patron...
Things I Only Speak When I'm Alone
But Never Out Loud...
Now I'm Texting Her
like I Wish We Had that Kid We Created..
The Miscarriage Left me Damaged
Wish My Soul Could Be Carried To 1st aid that Cut To Big Enough For any band aid....
She Calls Me Crying Like why u Lying
you showed No Emotion
When We Lost the Baby.....
Maybe my pride Didn't wanna Show u It Hurt
So you Can Feel like everything is all Good but inside My Soul Cried
Leaving my BODY flooded....
u can See it in my Eye
but no Tears My Face Remained Dry....
I Sceam I CARED I CARED!!!!
I SPEAK THE TRUTH
TO KNOW WE LOST A PEICE OF US
IN YOU MEANS A PIECE OF ME DIED I
N YOU & MY LOVE FOR U DID TOO!!!
Now The Liqure Has Said to Much
she hung Up...
I Thought my Heart Did too
That nite I Lost The Baby Mom
I Never Knew I Pray everyday
For The Baby I Lost in You........

much better, the lines I put in bold are still way too long.. if it looks like a spike stabbing through something, its likely way too long. In writing, the second part you need to know about is apperances, by this I mean a well written piece that has been spell checked and looked over for grammar issues and mistakes. The "random capital letters" that you tend to put in make the writing seem childish or immature.. not the stuff that your writing about, just the way it looks.

[Smurk856]

Ok thank you I appreciate constructive criticism no they actually poem what you think

[143]

I like that....the statements hits hard...the content gets to flex more...Don't get me wrong, this is a very good poem. I like the content. the controlled craziness with alcoholic undertones...good job...

[Android]

I agree with most of what I've read in this thread tbh. You have good content but the structure is all over the place. You also need to spell check and add punctuation but that comes after. This is how I'd lay it out personally but you should develop your own way of doing things with a bit of practice.

You always fuck up,
when you're the most fucked Up.
Liquor Speaks,
Though you're meant to be
kept Safe in your minds Vault...
and it's my fault.

I knew I should turn my phone off
after shots of Patron,
things I Only Speak
When I'm alone...
but never out loud.
Now I'm texting her,
like I Wish We Had
- that Kid We Created.

The miscarriage left me damaged.
I wish my soul could Be Carried
to 1st aid, that cut too big...
For any band aid.
She calls me crying,
like 'why you lying?
you showed no emotion
when we lost the baby...'

Maybe my pride
didn't wanna show you it hurt,
So you Can Feel
like everything is all Good,
but inside My Soul Cried
Leaving my BODY flooded.
You can see it in my eye
but no tears - my Face Remained Dry.
I Scream 'I CARED I CARED!!!!
I SPEAK THE TRUTH
TO KNOW WE LOST
- A PIECE OF US.
IN YOU MEANS A PIECE OF ME
DIED IN YOU
AND MY LOVE FOR U DID TOO!!!'
Now the liquor has said to much,
she hung up.

I thought my heart did too...
That night I lost the Baby Mom.
I never knew I prayed everyday,
for the baby I lost in you.

The emotion was on point in this, seems personal. Sorry if it is. Although can you see the difference the punctuation makes? You choose the pace at which the reader reads it. I liked this anyways, like I mentioned before emotion was good, imagery and storytelling were good you just need to adjust that structure to make it more accessible to your readers. just throwing a couple tips out there. Stay active and dropping.

If you have time to spare could you return the favour on this?
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ruth-Iscariot)


Edit - Just to avoid confusion, I read this earlier before he semi-fixed the structure. I only just came back to it. xD

[Smurk856]

Thank you so much I DEF gonna learn the structure and edit before I post I'll Def return the love

[Wordz AhGod.]

looks and reads a lot better that way.

[Smurk856]

I fixed it bro

[Wordz AhGod.]

nice.. btw

this needs feed back..
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ort-Love-Story

[Messiah.]

You broke it up correctly but the wording was more of an aggressive rap but put it on a background of a one man show reading through a personal emotion.

Don't focus on being so direct, throw in some vivid imagery and swing it so things are subtly happening in the background and make appearences. This can be done through the use of vocabulary and structure.

If you want some help just gimme a shout.