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Thread: A Piece of Glass

  1. #1
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    A Piece of Glass

    it all begins in the sun, the musical movement
    of helium and hydrogen bonding in nuclear fusion
    a truthful illusion, heat released to coast Earth
    oh such beautiful hubris, look how Helios smirks...


    rays of light sparkle and glimmer, each telling him to rise
    shades of night partially linger 'neath the bellies of his eyes
    sleep whispers sentimental lies, a con artist in disguise
    so waking REM deprived for him is hardly a surprise
    Dream's a martyr he despised, a sniveling pander
    the most malignant of cancers selling visions of grandeur
    but Dream has a foil steeped in innocent candor
    a native of the day - his name? Ambition the Answer
    (let that picture meander through your brain for a minute
    'cause sometimes things can be so much the same that they're different)

    ...all molecules seem to come alive when heated
    so when the sea meets the sun, it will rise to greet it
    evaporated particles in righteous asylum
    finally! Aeolus reunites with Poseidon...


    water splashes his face, the warm air is malevolent
    his identity pleasantly draped in arrogant elegance
    his name's irrelevant - call him whatever you like
    he's every faceless stranger never met in your life
    with one exception, he was blessed with an exceptional sight
    so he could see the messages that Destiny writes
    but that perception is blight, a horrid taste of death
    to see the outline of your footprints, before you take a step
    no reward from Fate could help him clean the stain of his vision
    till one day Destiny presented him a painful decision

    ...the saturated winds begin their rapid ascension
    water droplets cool to match the clouds they condensed in
    cumulonimbus shrouds billow as they stack to the heavens
    armored in the storm, mighty Zeus steps down with a vengeance...


    the sky darkened his apartment as Destiny confronted him
    from her spindle she removes a single thread to weave his punishment
    her energy is thunderous, cloaked in a cloud
    silence crescendos to an echo when she opens her mouth:

    "Though you won't be allowed to use the eyes of the gods,
    before you're blind you must decide upon a prize for your loss.
    For undermining our laws, you owe a debt to our pride,
    so we must change your fate, but I will let you decide.
    If you want a long normal life, where happiness is yours,
    then the tapestry I weave for you will have to be a stork.
    Or you can die young, in the honor of fame,
    and forever men will sing along with songs of your name.
    If then, I'll weave a bull upon the fabric of Truths,
    and the animals will take you on the path that you choose."

    what a masterful ruse! a riddle free of rational proofs
    so he looked within to see which one his passion approves
    Ambition points to the bull - he's invested in the lie
    but Dream the Question arrives and beckons him to fly
    a respectable try, but greed is etched into his eyes
    Destiny sighs, and weaves his lesson in the skies
    lightning strikes, the bull is unrestrained and loose
    no place to move, he's taken in the chains of Zeus

    ...the storm dissolves, the sky regains its bluest mask
    a dark tune is no way to serenade a lucid past
    if you can't see the difference, beware of foolish acts -
    myth and science are the same, depending who you ask
    Destiny's blessings always come with secret traps
    and it takes a lightning bolt to mold a piece of glass
    when your flaws are transparent, it's not wise to be great
    now everyone sing the song of he who tried to cheat fate

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  2. #2

    Re: A Piece of Glass

    Wassup Oatmeal? I see you boy. This is some badass work, right here. I loved it. You had perfect structure, sweet wordplay, awesome imagery, a great flow, everything was a work of art. This is exactly the typeh shit people wanna see. Keep rappin.

  3. #3
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: A Piece of Glass

    thanks, Wes. Will edit this with more links.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...16741&posted=1

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  4. #4
    huh? Vinzr's Avatar
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    Re: A Piece of Glass

    Okay, this dope. Forreal man. From all the critique you've given me in my last two drops, I've come to realise what my final product should end up looking like with all improvements and advanced mechanics applied. This was rich in pretty much everything I was looking for; rhyme scheme, flow, imagery, internals, multis, metaphors...etc.

    In this verse...

    "Though you won't be allowed to use the eyes of the gods,
    before you're blind you must decide upon a prize for your loss.
    For undermining our laws, you owe a debt to our pride,
    so we must change your fate, but I will let you decide.
    If you want a long normal life, where happiness is yours,
    then the tapestry I weave for you will have to be a stork.
    Or you can die young, in the honor of fame,
    and forever men will sing along with songs of your name.
    If then, I'll weave a bull upon the fabric of Truths,
    and the animals will take you on the path that you choose."
    I was really feeling the connection between your content and myself as though it were speaking to me and passing on a message/lesson/lecture.

    Also, I found it really effective on your part by throwing in those Greek mythological personalities and the Gods as well as capitalising Fate, Destiny etc. I thought it really worked in passing on the message.

    I was also really feeling the ending of this piece, the way you ended it was superb. I don't think you could have ended it at a much perfect time although I would have been fine with it ending a bit sooner or a bit later.

    All in all, I loved this verse. In fact it's one of the better ones around that I've read in a while. This is definitely something people should read and look at if they want to produce a HOF caliber piece. Not only is it great mechanic wise but the story and content was nice. Great job, oats.

  5. #5
    SirVent
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    Re: A Piece of Glass

    where your links at? *shows badge*

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  6. #6
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: A Piece of Glass

    will have my other one up soon, I'm leaving for the summer today so I've been busy

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  7. #7
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Last edited by oatmeal; June 16th, 2011 at 01:19 AM

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  8. #8
    The World's 9th Wonder
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    Re: A Piece of Glass

    hah, weren't kidding when you said it was your best. not really much constructive criticism to give as you didn't use common phrases you hear in everyone's verses and the rhyme scheme kept it interesting. Also from the first line, just reading it, the amount of imagery meant i literally saw the whole situation you was describing in my head.

    drop another like it soon, eh?

  9. #9
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: A Piece of Glass

    appreciate the feed, everyone. leave links and I'll eventually get to it

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  10. #10

    Re: A Piece of Glass

    this was really awsome, Love stories revolving around Mythical Gods. Loved the strangers line, your wording..heck It was the best I`ve read from you. One thing i didn`t much like was this part:

    but that perception is blight, a horrid taste of death
    to see the outline of your footprints, before you take a step
    no reward from Fate could help him clean the stain of his vision
    till one day Destiny presented him a painful decision

    Its just too simple. Its almost like a black and white image compared to the colour radiating from the rest of the verse. I guess, the couplets are too simple. The concepts were good its just the execution. It`s hard to explain it....you probably understand.

    But other than that, this is definatley HOF material! Well done Oats

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