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Thread: Two Mountains

  1. #1
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Two Mountains

    There is no dayborn tribulation quite like true love's lyrical labors
    You'r gearing for favors while the angel friend is fearing a savior
    Capturing a spirit's behavior, in the crux of conversation
    Readying cadence - as one conducts the operation
    Common place conversation won't keep the locomotive goin'
    Rings mean eternity so keep your lonely motive golden
    No opening this codin' - ones and zeroes- X and O's
    Your soul is boiled down to suns, heroes, sex, a rose
    Connect and flow those dots through a deep hedge maze labyrinth
    Completely fazed by the task like half a glass of absinthe
    No master crafter to ask of, just this leap into the open sea
    Stringing movie quotes together until it's feeling like poetry
    Until I feel like she's knowing me, until I could paint her face in the sky
    Until it reflects her golden hair and the quaint traits of her eyes
    I painstakingly try to build our future with a gentle smiles and gifts
    But the only tarot card I could pull is consigned to her lips
    A primal mindstate insists to shine the armor and tighten the sinew
    But I'll push on through dawn til I feel the light that's within you
    I'll rightly continue with carving our names into evergreens
    Dot my I's with hearts until fate puts you next to me
    Passion like kerosene - I'll labor hard and ignite the flame
    Until I've become a bridgebuilder and tied the veins . . .

    There is no dayborn tribulation quite like love's logical labor
    Moving bricks while we try and raise a son with prodigal flavor
    Platonic behavior - the clock just says feed, sleep, and earn
    And what's feasible reason to me is just treason to her
    I was eager to learn - now I wish I'd taken the option to run
    Because there is some possibility this is possibly done
    Each choice has a gravity that should be rocking the sun
    Our tears chronically run, asking where the lucky stars at
    Because you can't build a home with overdue bar tabs
    Under par, strapped for cash, trying to pull rabbits out of hats
    Maybe this life won't be a waste if we average in the past
    My palace, it contracts - now it's just a rented kitchen and bed
    Strugglin' to find the answers that don't exist in the head
    Ridden with dread, can't give what that man demands on the phone
    Because we're trying to provide so the child can stand on his own
    It's not just finances alone - there's the standard city lunatics
    Where we send the son to school with at least sixty pugilists
    This loosened grip, not half a husband nor a consummate father
    Searchin' for a fountain of youth, because they turned off our water
    Pockets of copper, three derelicts, perhaps our existence is lost
    Searching for a carnival application, juggling six different jobs
    While we leak the typical sobs, life was never built for the lovers
    Marriages end in death, divorce, or takin' pills for the comfort
    No thrill as we suffer, three people bucketing water off a boat
    But this canoe is sinking fast, and I'm positively soaked
    Caught up in the hope, of those past kisses, hugs, and letters
    But I guess it's just the nature of the struggle...
    ........when someone says they'll love you forever
    Last edited by soulstice.; January 26th, 2010 at 07:21 PM

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  2. #2
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Last edited by soulstice.; January 26th, 2010 at 07:20 PM

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  3. #3
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    where are my rtfz at

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  4. #4

    Re: Two Mountains

    This was good a nice read, sounded kinda like a love poem to some one but the vocab was good nice flow and a good rhythm. The rhymes were good but as far as figurative laguage goes it was kinda all over the place...... it was cool how you started the second part the same then changed it into something different like 2 mountains. the same as they appear from a distance but a known difference. rtf
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...410/index.html
    Silent Will, the truth behind the message and the reason to speak,

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  5. #5
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    thnx mang

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  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Two Mountains

    Hmm.. this was interesting. I liked it as it progressed. The rhyme scheme was pretty dope, but the feeling of the piece brought it out. Good shit..

  7. #7
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    thanks

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  8. #8
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    Well this piece was pretty tight....the vocab was the first thing I noticed..Seemed to flow pretty well throughout..I also noticed the tie-in to the title which was a nice little touch..most of the comparisons to relationships were well-thought out and not cliched really..all in all man..pretty cool concept and direction...enjoyable read for sure...peace.

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  9. #9
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    thnx

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  10. #10
    Town Rapist Ink Poyzin's Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    really cool piece, man. kinda was feelin' the second verse more then the first. goin' through some of that same shit right now. but only difference is, i dont have a job. lookin' but can't get shit. sucks, man. i'm even tryin' stupid ass places, where you'd think bums would get hired.. but yea, i'm feelin' this.. struggles come with or without love.. it's just harder strugglin' with love, cuz you got the weight of your loves shoulders too. but that's what i love about love.. it can make you feel crazy.. make you feel down.. put you under pressure.. it's great lol. if anything, this piece was really heart-felt.. and yea, some really good vocab aswell.. really good to see that in a piece, especially when it's not babblin' forced shit. as for the flow, very smooth. i was feelin' it too. long piece but definitely was wroth taking the time out to read it. good work, man. keep writin'. i look forward to seeing more from you. peace.
    Last edited by Ink Poyzin; January 30th, 2010 at 01:13 AM

  11. #11
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    thnx mang

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  12. #12
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    oh shit

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  13. #13
    Mining uranium. FortyTilFive's Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    This was some pretty dope shit. It had vocab, flow and was pretty deep. Nice job, keep this shit up!!!!!!!!
    Move the crowd like a Buddha cloud
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  14. #14
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    Ridden with dread, can't give what that man demands on the phone
    Because we're trying to provide so the child can stand on his own
    It's not just finances alone - there's the standard city lunatics
    Where we send the son to school with at least sixty pugilists
    This loosened grip, not half a husband nor a consummate father
    Searchin' for a fountain of youth, because they turned off our water

    ^^damn.. this part just flowed. props. I was actually REALLY into this piece, and what I loved most about it was the intelligence behind the words... you didn't just write a piece, you WROTE A FUCKIN' PIECE man.. Lmao. You took your time, you put your words together and made them meaningful.. you put impact into each line instead of putting it into the concept alone. Love that last line there that I've quoted. It's a cliche' flip, but the way you used it for THIS inparticular concept was just elegantly put.. you turned struggle, hard times, and love-loss into something smoothe... the writing actually gave off the feelings that you were writing about... dunno... for me it did anyways. I genuinely enjoyed this read. Thanks man... props.


    stay writing.. join SS if you aren't already there.. compete for my prize money.

  15. #15
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Two Mountains

    thanx man and yes i am in ss havent been dropping as well in there as the rstl tho

    good looks on the feed yo

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