Seeing Is Beliving Is Your Choice

[Mariah]

Seeing Is Beliving Is Your Choice

I grasp for laughter - put my good foot forward and transfer
In hopes to make amends with what I don't know is disaster
But hope floats even faster when it's master is crying rivers
Prying from shivers - arrows quiver when I hit dying slivers
Of a body; more encased by the inside than the shell itself
Feeling released without knowing the escape of how I felt
Retrace the flowers smell - replace the luminosity of sunlight
Erase all you know for reality's an easy falsehood to come by

Lost and alone
I sit and wait for a vacancy
Toss me a bone
I'd live to stay if it stayed with me

Nothing is real in such a surreal picture with closed captions
I supposed it'd happen - whatever it was I suppose happened
I don't know these backbends of society, but I'm too civil to hate
And yet, if I'm rude, it'll all turn sour and I'm shriveled to grapes
Given a page or two, I could give you details that would all help
But limit my wages to half and I'm too short to reach the top shelf
All hell's breaking loose - confusing hearts as it confuses my mind
I've never converted a belief or a thought, but I'm losing this fight

I see it now
A realness that I'd never believe
But I believe it, wow
And I can't reject what I see

Even now I've wondered what my mother would think of my life
Sobriety, I've failed - drunkeness blinds without aid of fine wines
Portray the right mind, replay the right signs - memory deserves it
All this time the masked charades have show everything perfect
But the visions are worthless, perfect is a description of religion
Ask for the truth of life for death's the prescription we begin with
My family's existance is only portrayed in a photographic slumber
And I have been resting my head, but I'm still only hafl-way under...
...my imagination

Seeing is Believing. Believing is your choice.

[Mariah]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-352979.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pt-352289.html

k now. leave feed. I'll rtf.

[Mariah]

damn.

[Engivale]

As usual, your mind strays to things that are very interesting, but I think your desire to keep the rhyme scheme going hinders you in some respects... At times it just seems like the two don't meet in the middle as well as they could, so it's something to improve upon... what we call, "forced rhymes..." but then again you haven't been doing this for a bit. Even so, there are times, especially right at the beginning, when it seems you struggle to find your voice and the words you choose are awkward.

I grasp for laughter - put my good foot forward and transfer
In hopes to make amends with what I don't know is disaster
But hope floats even faster when it's master is crying rivers
Prying from shivers - arrows quiver when I hit dying slivers

Quite honestly, very random stuff, here... Transfer and disaster don't rhyme, first of all, and then 'prying from shivers' as a continuation rhyme... prying I believe you are misunderstanding the meaning of, or forcing completey, but to pry from shivers is like to pull something away from being attached to it, so that's a little weird, and then the 'dying slivers' thing at the end... Like I say, it seems you're having trouble getting started.

Retrace the flowers smell - replace the luminosity of sunlight
Erase all you know for reality's an easy falsehood to come by

However, here in the same stanza, I enjoyed this particular couplet a lot... a great thought displayed here by you.

Nothing is real in such a surreal picture with closed captions
I supposed it'd happen - whatever it was I suppose happened
I don't know these backbends of society, but I'm too civil to hate
And yet, if I'm rude, it'll all turn sour and I'm shriveled to grapes

This is, overall, pretty nce too. It's good as a metaphor, it rhymes well, it paces good and the syllable counts work. Nice job with starting to get into what you want to talk about.

Given a page or two, I could give you details that would all help
But limit my wages to half and I'm too short to reach the top shelf

Just cuz of "top shelf" I think this struck a chord with me, but, anyways, I thought it was cool, just wanted to point it out, made me chuckle.

Sobriety, I've failed - drunkeness blinds without aid of fine wines
Portray the right mind, replay the right signs - memory deserves it
All this time the masked charades have show everything perfect

^^^This last stanza is going pretty damned well, I think, but then you kind of lose your rhyme scheme to an extent and delve into this strange material...

But the visions are worthless, perfect is a description of religion
Ask for the truth of life for death's the prescription we begin with

Just starts getting almost lazy towards the end. I think your best material was where you got into your topic really hardcore, but at the beginning and end you tapered off... Just gotta keep the passion going front to back and not settle on forced lines.

Overall, fun read and I totally get what you're talking about, just talking from a pure techincal standpoint here since that's probably what you'd want from me as a critic.

Stay up.

[Mariah]

wow, thanks Eng. uppin please.

[Vincent Maestro]

Damn i really love your style...this was tyte...9/10
my favorite lines were:
Nothing is real in such a surreal picture with closed captions
I supposed it'd happen - whatever it was I suppose happened
I don't know these backbends of society, but I'm too civil to hate
And yet, if I'm rude, it'll all turn sour and I'm shriveled to grapes
Given a page or two, I could give you details that would all help
But limit my wages to half and I'm too short to reach the top shelf
All hell's breaking loose - confusing hearts as it confuses my mind
I've never converted a belief or a thought, but I'm losing this fight

Your words come so easy the whole thing flowed very well.
Think this is a post of the Month candidate

[Mariah]

wel lthanks. anybody else?

[Tim]

Eng gave you great feed on this piece lol, but for the most part i really enjoyed this piece. Havent seen anything from you in awhile so this was nice to read. You started off very well. I liked your sencond part the best. I was digging the concept and the whole dark tempo you set. You had a couple forced lines, but who doesnt you didnt try and set a hard rhyme scheme and everything was done right to a T. glad to you see you writing again.

[Witty]

Upping this. Thanks for following the rules.

[Tony B]

omg, mariah you alllllways do this lol
your vocab, flow, rhyme scheme, structure, etc all the basics you grasp pretty well BUT you sacrifice too much content in your attempt at a flawless rhyme scheme. you dont need to have 4, 5, and 6 syllable multies if you're going to stray off topic in order to do so. i'm not trying to be mean or anything, you know i e-love you, but i love your writing style (reminds me of ace of aces) and i just want to see it manifest into something better.

^^^i wrote all that after only reading the first 4 lines btw lol

pick a subject and write about that only lol the flow is nice and everything but there's no real substance here and after a while your writing gets boring to read because i dont know what the hell you're writing about lol this seems more like a freeverse to me...maybe i'm missing something and please tell me if i am but i just see more development ahead of you. keep writing though ma....

rtf here pretty, pretty please....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ss-354313.html