-On The Ship-

[Leonidas]

-On The Ship-
As I scan the aisles of the deck, the picking overwhelms
Gathering for the long journey, to as store food in the helms
The men look dreary; this war has torn us apart
Looks of help cover the façade of the forlorn broken hearts
Is it the casualties, or life at sea that is to be the sole blame
Tires burning on the deck as we taxi for the toll planes
Commotion about, is it about to break in?
Soldiers gather themselves as the boys are about to become men
The speakers flare thru the cabins, the voice echo’s for all
Grabbing for ammunition as a soldier screams “Let go of it Paul!!!”
How is this happening, a calm day turning to grim
Scoping out my comrades as he sees’s me, and me inside him
But the food! It’s not packed, surely the captain will yell
Guns being dropped low as if rolling back a sale
We all run, as the aisles are full of men, the bounty overtakes
Exceeding our limits but never time to replace the mistakes
The death and destruction is taking its toll to far
Electing the asphalt into the sky, as if polling the tar
The battle is weakening; the goods are almost for plunder
Time stops as the minds imagination couldn’t wonder
After all the death turmoil, the aftermath was well the wait
Death deciding it’s victims as the living conquers their fate
I think of this life, it’s far too much to go on more
Snap back to reality as my daydreaming stops in the Grocery Store
“Aisles really are packed, Must now get back to my captain, Err I mean wife
Cause after that take on it, I could certainly handle ship life”


Links: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ts-347049.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...em-347580.html

[Leonidas]

Come on people.. :/

[Paramik]

Yeah this was really nice. it was kinda craetive too
i like how you pu the final touches on the last part of the verse
the flow was really straight but i thouiht you could've improved a lil bit more.
the imagery was real good even with the picture in there.
the emotino came off stroThe battle is weakening; the goods are almost for plunder

Time stops as the minds imagination couldn’t wonder
After all the death turmoil, the aftermath was well the wait
Death deciding it’s victims as the living conquers their fate
I think of this life, it’s far too much to go on more
Snap back to reality as my daydreaming stops in the Grocery Store
“Aisles really are packed, Must now get back to my captain, Err I mean wife
Cause after that take on it, I could certainly handle ship life”ng and didnt have much flaws

I liked how you portrayed it as a story tellin type of thing
so overlal this was a good peice keep writing.

[Morbid Dream]

Clever verse.. the rhyme scheme was basic but content was therer. i liked the return to reality...that worked well. i think you need to work on how you apply words for exapl, I didnt find this to work

The speakers flare thru the cabins, the voice echo’s for all
Grabbing for ammunition as a soldier screams “Let go of it Paul!!! ”

maybe you could word it so the reader could assume its a quote... like grabbing for ammo but the crew objects just let go of it ya'll

or something along those lines. Good work


RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=346367

[GrimmyReaps]

i like this topic that u choosed...the pic really goes along with the way u presented ur verse...u really turned out to be a good topical head i remember when u first started....well ur flow was mehish doe i dont like ur structure in this but the vocab and plot storyline and skeme are all good...

rtf

[P. Mortuus]

Overall, this can do with more internal rhyming, it seemed very regimented at first and didn't really pick up much on the flow aspect, you can work on that and once you get the flow right it'll make reading your pieces much more engaging and entertaining. Furthermore, i quite enjoyed reading the ending, the whole daydream type twist you added was pretty good though a little abrupt if i may say so. Overall, i found this piece average though a good effort from you. Stay up^ and keep writing.

when you can, some comments will be appreciated:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...lt-347760.html

[Ntalek]

I'd have to agree with everyone else as far as the flow..is concerned..I mean you had a very creative approach..and good content..but the simple rhyme scheme or lack of internals..mad the read kinda mehish..but..you work'd all the other mechanics well..I just think you need a more polished flow..but all in all good drop kid...keep writing..

RTF pls...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-347776.html

[Leonidas]

up.

And Ntalek..I'll try to hit yours up tomorrow. Sorry for the wait.

[Plexus]

ok ima realy to drunk t fully undeerstand

i leve feed tomoorrow

[Leonidas]

Thanks for the feed M.Pulse,lol..


Up.

[Leonidas]

This one too...Can I please get some more feed.