one

[Gr33kChris]

ONE creator better then ONE greater dictator but a worse hater then a traitor
ONE prayer with ONE care no were to stare life was never fair feel the scare
ONE sight of that ONE light to show them i am bright dont matter if i am white
ONE right to show them the rhymes ONE writes always fight to proove im tight
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ONE gun ONE fathers only son run till im done or be dumb and end up wit none
ONE stress in the big S see every day as ONE bless ONE mess my life press yes
ONE war over One whore feel the roar break ONE door body down on ONE floor
ONE trigger ONE finger ONE figure blood pumping thicker feeling bigger slicker
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ONE thug mentality with ONE fatality bringin a new realaty to the word mortality
ONE man with ONE plan no need for no clan since it all began alone i stand
ONE G ONE killing spree i hold the key one two three what the fuck do you see
ONE gr33kchris youll never miss livin every day as a bliss every1 hate so diss
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[Gr33kChris]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=233373

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=227857

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=227832

[Gr33kChris]

Need Some Feedback

[Mindful Theories]

Pretty basic topic.
Not really feeling it..More like a freestyle kinda..U need to put EMOTION in ure pieces in ur verse..If u don't then it won't catch any readers attention..So Keep working you'll get there. You have some potential to being a good topical head.

[Gr33kChris]

thanks for your feedback

[Taz™]

this , would be pretty dope ,or would do nice on audio
x'ept for the first line, it was worded bit ackwardly ,

it flowed well, very well , even tho as mentioned pretty basic ,
try to add mulites ,while keeping htat rhyme schem of your's =fire
for text wise w/ multies your drop will be appreciated more ,

nice drop . it was nice to read !!
but if you want the Mathematics it was pretty basic!



.

[Junio]

i agree this is more for an audio since you have the repeated "ONE" and multies...
but as a piece as a whole, its nothing special.
i dont even think it flowed well.
it wasnt all bad though, you actually put thought into it.
keep it up.

[P. Mortuus]

Not bad...you could work it up..in audio it would sound aight..but still would need work as too much repitition on "One" can become an overkill and kinda reck it na mean but nonetheless it isn't bad. Though most of it's is statment like your leaving no real path of discussion...kind of ordering the people on what "One" is instead of saying how and in which ways it could be different. Overall it's aight not bad..Stay up^.

[TragikOne]

Really to be honest I dont even see this as a audio I see it as a hook or something.I didnt like the repitition of one. I didnt like your basic topic or your basic or lack of structure. Your lines were waaay too long and that killed your flow this read like a short story with a rhyme scheme. really rappng isnt that hard just write what you feel and elevate from there. good job

[Gr33kChris]

thanks for yor feed back ill keep it upp and keep in mind what youse have said thank you



NEED MORE FEED BACK!!!!

[Novelist]

I liked the repitition of the one in my opinion u simple made that word ONE a topic to me more like an explaination of one, one life, one soul the writers eyes of one. Yea i do agree it was basic but it was also well put together, I liked reading it and like everybody else i think i would do reall good on audio better on audio, I say just keep doing what your doing adding more metas working with what you have you'll get better it seem that you only can. Keep up the keep up

[Gr33kChris]

thanks for the feed back and ill keep that in mind

[Soule]

Very basic and more poetic then topical.

The emotion was nice and deep. The Imagenation was aiight. the Creativty was iight. The structre was basic. The Flow was smooth. I felt that you could have done alot more with this peice dude, try doing poetry in the Poetic Scriptures forum. Thats more you're style dude.

~Belli.

Leave feedback on my poem in Poetic Scritpures..

"..And Running Feat Belligerant"

Posted by It's Nash.

[Gr33kChris]

Very basic and more poetic then topical.

The emotion was nice and deep. The Imagenation was aiight. the Creativty was iight. The structre was basic. The Flow was smooth. I felt that you could have done alot more with this peice dude, try doing poetry in the Poetic Scriptures forum. Thats more you're style dude.

~Belli.

Leave feedback on my poem in Poetic Scritpures..

"..And Running Feat Belligerant"

Posted by It's Nash.

thanks ill keep that in mind ill go try that out

[Gr33kChris]

upping for more feed back peoplez