Inner Child. 'WOP Verse'

[Daz]

Riiiiippppppp, the sound echoed through the darkness
a kid in the shadows who's dejected for his smartness
face suffered the hard hits & his heart bent from hardness
hate suffocated fate, how much hate can he harness?
hisdreams were tarnished, Hopes were obliviated
The kids he hated, felt he was miscreated
& these mistakes did, effect him deeply and turn his soul black
chuz the beating he suffered turn his smile into gold caps
he had feelings to hold back they were mismatched and construed
his whole life was fade to black, he was back in his blues
he had pride, somehow he had to fight to prove
had his soul put to sleep, conscience twice removed
his nights were blue, mixed with black, shit would never level up
and told life would somehow get better, but for him it never was
so he ended his life, slain slumped on his rug
heres a page from his diary in his puddle of blood

It's just.

i never lived a normal life, outside i appear normal right?
it's funny
When you look for small shit, you miss the answer right before your eyes
i've got a story life, thats the reason im so tore inside
and why im trying to dig out my inner child with this gory knife
Against my veins, see its sick, thats you judging me
In person im probably more regular then you'll ever fucking be
but im so fucking disgusted, looking for some release
from this dark cage of my life, i cant fucking breathe
on the surface, it appears im geared for this shit
but i've got a one track mind.
and my train of thought is steered for a cliff
you want bittersweet? here taste the tears on my lips
maybe then you'll be able swallow some of my years as a kid..
where i stared scared at my father,mom's palms in his face
nicknamed trojan blooper,yes.. i was called a mistake
you never realise how much balls that it takes..
to see your parents pick up and start walking away
Orphaned. alone in a closet for days
till they found me, shipped and booked me off with the state
agents, i hated them, they loved calling me names
i swore on my absent parents i'd take em all to the grave
thats what i did, execution style, like they did to my hopes
i abused them. sorta like i did with the dope
they begged for life, didnt give a fuck, my eyes were heavy
why grant them life, their part of the world that took mine already
So i shot them, castrated men and put cocks in their throats
my ship sunk. im underwater still rocking the boat.
so dont feel bad when you see me laid on the rug
I used this world's knife in my back for the grave that i dug.

P.S how the fuck can you have a inner child when you didnt have a childhood?

Links up in a sec

[Daz]

[url]http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=3510217#post3510217[/url

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=252052

my other links not showing for some reason.

[Bounce]

Daz, you could have done so much to improve the set up because the diary entery was really good, the only thing that hurt it was the less than spectacular intro. Very good drop for WOP, I just wish you had set it up as good as you finished it off. Good take on the topic, creative and bold. Scheme was good, nice meter made for a fluid read. You have got better since I last read your drops, they are well rounded.

Sorry WoP sucks ass this time around...

[Sudo.nim]

^^^what he said...basically...

the topic was sick, u did good there, propz... the diary entry was nice, feeling that, altho if u didnt "quote" it, your structure woulda been easier to read, the intro, wasnt feeling...rhyme scheme was a tiny bit weak in complexity, but content was hot...stay at it...

[Daz]

thanks ill reply to ya'lls shortly.

[EyeBite]

Well this was certainly creative no doubt...the topic was cool,creatvie and pretty interesting...this was enjoyable to read cuz of the excellent details in here and it wasnt boing..vocab was iight could have been a lil betta..rhyme scheme was good...flow was iight..strucutre was iight too a lil off...keep it up man this was a good drop...overall 8.5/10..peace

linkz in sig check one out and leave feed..thanks

[warchild]

I thought the verse was quite good, the concept was cool because it was different a lot of OM'S have a lot of repetitive subject matter it was nice to see a bit of creativity for a change. The first few bars were a bit basic but then the verse really started to improve i didnt catch the flow in the first few bars so that put me off but then after the first 4 bars you started to get real deep on the topic. The vocab was good for the piece, you didnt go over the top with it because that would of made the piece too boring and hard to understand. The imagery was solid good emotion in the verse you described the persons actions in nice detail, maybe it could of been a bit more graphic but thats just me i like writing extreme shit lol. The flow was off at the beggining of the piece but you stepped up with some multies so that added a complexity to the verse. I liked it only thing i could criticise would of been to make the verse a bit longer but thats it really.
Return the feed on my OM:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=252317

[Drunken Waffle]

Your intro was sub-par but your diary entry was packed full of insane metaphors and imagery. It's not a topic I haven't seen before, but it was executed well. The flow was decent as well as the structure, though it fell off in a few places. If you had a better, how can I say it, rising action until the climax it would've been even more dope. Overall, it was pretty good.. 8/10

RTF on 'Love Dies'.