Heart On My Sleeve

[warchild]

To what friends i have im sorry but in Vain You Help
Falling off your bike as a kid is the only Pain You've Felt
I cant describe how crazy or tragic this Life's Been
Ive been in a nightmare since birth i need a Nice Dream
Cant never seem to grasp it, by Thirty In A Casket
That's the stone truth people wanna Hurt Me Im A Bastard
I dont blame my mother for that, well not One Hundred Percent
The stench from my shallow grave im Under The Scent
So how can i breath positive? their is No Way
My temper is still flaring and it's a Cold Day
If i walked outside now the climate would Freeze My Tears
They say it isnt the way but i use alcohol to Ease My Fears
The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed
Shit, what the hell could i do to fucking Change That
Im fighting with my own heart thinking wheir's my Brain At



It's the early hours and im putting Depression Into Words
Im really from the street you cant learn Lessons In The Burbs
And if that's where YOU dwell dont say Somewhere Else
The residents of the estate that im from None Bare Wealth
If they own their own home they did it through Hard Work
Wheir marked for jail or death and no doubt the Scars Hurt
You cant heal them with love or the promise of a Good Job
As a kid my peers told me if i wanted then i Should Rob
But i never did, how the hell could i rob my Own Kind
I just lied i stole once or twice but i got my Own Mind
I was drinking lager and smoking weed by the Age Of Eight
I hope you pussies are still listening to my Page Of Hate
If you can identify with me then i got Respect For You
Im a cold hearted cunt who dont care for the Next Whore Who
Say's she loves me but wants me to Calm Down
I'll change if god puts a future in my Palm Now

[1up]

shit was aite.

i was definitely feelin' this one tho

The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed

definitely some hot lines, but i thought a lot of it could have sounded a lot better with another adjective or two.

with 1900 posts tho, i'd think you'd know to drop links.

keep up the good work mane

[ghostflow]

i felt this alot
nice drop im feeling this man

[warchild]

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=239624
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=240099

[warchild]

Uppin This.

[Atti]

Sorry Man, I Didnt Like This At All.

It Was Faaaaaar To Basic.
I Didnt Really Feel Any Of The Things You Said,
And What You Did Say Lacked Alot Of Good O.M. Qualities.

Emotion, Eh, If You Used More Descriptive And Engaging Words It Could Have Been Good.
Epecially With The Topic You Chose
... The Emotion Should Have Just Been Oozing Off The Page You Know?

Imagery, There Really Wasnt Any.
So Ya, Next Time Through In Some Description Of What You're Trying To Convay.

This Piece Wasnt Very Consistant,
I Mean The Entire First Half Was Just... Blah.
You Did However Pick It Up In The Second Verse,
But For Me It Was Just To Little To Late.

Sorry Man, But I'll Check Out Something Else You've Done Later.

[warchild]

Atticus your entitled to your opinion but this isnt that bad its not on a par with some of my other verses but the flow is good, multies in every bar so dont hate on the flow. I dont put loads of big words into my bars because that doesnt make your pieces better. I write shit that everybody can understand. Hate if you wanna hate but i know my verses are dope, flow is dope.

[Atti]

???

*Scratches Head*

Eeeeerm, I Never Once Said Anything About Your Flow Man.

And Im Not Hating, Im Just Trying To Give My Imput So You Can Improve Next Time,
Thats The Purpose Of Posting In Here.

And Please Return The Favor On My Piece: "Beneath The Hourglass"

[mz.blaze]

The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed

It's the early hours and im putting Depression Into Words
Im really from the street you cant learn Lessons In The Burbs

^These were my favorite bars- I was feelin this drop. There were a few spots that just seemed like they didnt fit really or kinda dragged it out. The second verse was the best IMO. It started stronger and was consistent.

[Nique.]

This was alright...I thought you were going to go deeper considering the topic, but you brought a lot of emotion, which was a good thing and it overshadowed the simplicity..things can be simple..i dont know why people try to find the most complex things..a topical piece can be simple people..anyway, my favorite part:

I dont blame my mother for that, well not One Hundred Percent
The stench from my shallow grave im Under The Scent
So how can i breath positive? their is No Way
My temper is still flaring and it's a Cold Day
If i walked outside now the climate would Freeze My Tears
They say it isnt the way but i use alcohol to Ease My Fears
The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed

I read that out loud. I don't know, I was just feeling that a lot. Good part.

You had some other good one liners, but this section stood out to me the most. Overall, I liked this a lot better than your last piece..more developed and great emotion..cool shit

-Nique

[pyro2472]

ill man really liked it but im from L.A. watts to be exact and thas ghetto as hell but its still a suburb just like compton, south central, inglewood, and pasidena and ive learned alot comin up in L.A. so u cant guess bout that

[J-Hova]

yo this drop was good homey aint nothin really bad to say about it

[sILLable]

this piece was nice..your emotion and your vocab was very nice.....you had some very intricate wordplay and your topic was covered very nicley...not too indepth but it had enough deepness...your rhyme scheme i enjoyed and the multis were very well utilized...all in all i enjoyed this piece....you have skill and your usin it very nicely...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[Mic D]

yo kidd .....you displayed skill.....everything was perfect....I think a lil too perfect....its suppose to be an emotional drop but its just mellow and calm....you got the wordplay/metas/multies...but it just lacks emotion....What I try to do when I write a rhyme like this is do it like a battle.....shoot from the hip and throw in a meta or some wordplay if it suits the moment....seems more real and explosive at least to me...after I do that then I try to go back and make some edits if I feel like it to add some techniques...the point is though to make sure your emotion shows.....shits well written ....its jus the emotion that should be there isnt there though

[T.F. Lee]

I kinda agree with ole boy atticus...in the aspect that you could've dug deeper...we both scatterbrained it seems so I can understand where you comin from but some of the lines didn't make sense to me. But that last line is gonna end up bein someone's motto...Flow was there but it felt like you sacrificed some of your concept for the sake of flow...overall though this piece wasn't as bad as he was makin it out to be but it should have went deeper..you only scratched the surface with this one