The Reflection

[NuM-WuN]

-This Piece is partially based on whats goin thru my life right now..i would appreciate any feedback/tips to get better..


..Within a matter of seconds, seemed like my life twisted n flipped
three years in a relationship, and *instantly* our love broke up n tipped
left lonely in the hallway, reminiscing of wrecked retentions
i glance to a gleaming luminance containing such extensive dimensions
a golden mirror with waves on the frame came to my pensive attention
raising the reflecting image on glass, all morbid tensions ascended
gazing into an imitation came vibrations of great sensations
i saw a human...a creation of God...an image of inspiration
visions of joyous memories clouded the body of the mirror clear
abstract thoughts raced through my brain...yet the happiness disappeared
the contrast began to fade, the gold dimmed to an obscure black
envisioning my mind with depression and many insecure attacks...
..of love by my ex, yet her love was for someone aside from the likes of me
thoughts of her two-timing clouded my mind, leavin my 'whole heart empty'
the vision changed, images of my mom when she left me at age four
and my dad abusin my ass so hard, it made me mourn even more
realizations of life came into the midst of my minds atmosphere
nobody cared for me here, my life became crowded with a burning fist of fear
and at that point i found the truth, my conscience told me to take action
so i dropped the mirror shattering my pointless life to a million fractions...


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=220732&page=2
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...09#post2942709

[sILLable]

good emotion and good imagery...evrything else was pretty much basic and simple...elevate your piece....observe some vets pieces on here..elevate..and read tha rules before you post

[NuM-WuN]

i read the rules, don't see any rules i broke..anyways uppin n thanks for the feed treazon

[Ready2Die]

yo that was tight
vote honestly on my last battle
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=220798&page=2

[BIOHASARD]

good emotion and good imagery...evrything else was pretty much basic and simple...elevate your piece....
^agree

[Issue]

Ok, listen to me, you have talent, please use it. This piece was very good at some points, and not so good in others. The beginning was decent, the middle was way cool, the ending lacked for the most part but you had a decent idea to kill it off and I liked it. I do say elevate, I just dont mean it because you suck because you dont, you just need to keep your head up and listen to whats told to you and just learn from there.

Your vocab was superb in parts, you had a few really nice lines in there I was feeling, and you flowed well for the most part. I think you have what all writers suffer from occasionally and thats to much, dont try to push these things out man let them come to you, if they dont, fuck it and move on. Dont force things that aren't there because all you'll gain is the wrong result. You touched on emotion but didnt tap very well on it, if it hurts to write dont push yourself, naturally you'll learn that emotions come through by themselves, its just cool when you have a pen in your hand. If you ever find it hard to write about something in this type of form, get a pen an pad or your keyboard and just write down how you really feel in words, fuck rhymes and flow and everything, just let it out, you will get it from there. You dont need to express certain things here like your parental relationships, well not in the way you expressed them, to me it was way to sympathetic on another issue that it somewhat took the shine off the overall piece.

In my opinion, you have potential, so Im gonna keep an eye on you to make sure you use it, and I hope everything turns out good with your life.

Peace.

[Issue]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...12#post2946312

.. Now you can return the favour back, sir.

[Tha Reason]

God Damn
dis was really good
I see what u meant when u said 2 expand my internal rhymin and vocab
very good multis and good emotion in the piece
I like the way u worded your lines also. overall good piece
Keep em comin man cuz shit was tight
Remember though always strive 2 elvate
one

[Johnny 6-feet]

It was decent piece for the most part, like my compadre Issue said. You have talent, and you are using it. The vocab was inconsistent, it was stronger at the start than the finish but you kept me reading regardless. The rhymes were pretty strong, more multi's would've been good to see. The topic seemed heartfelt, not many can write from the soul but it feels like you did it here. The imagery was great in parts, the ending especially. The image of the breaking mirror summed the piece up perfectly.

It was a good piece, just keep working on the few weaknesses you have and you'll be killing other writers in the near future.

Thanks for the rep, btw.

[B.A.D.]

yo this shit was DOPE man...keep up the good work

[NuM-WuN]

im uppin this piece

[NuM-WuN]

upppin....

[NuM-WuN]

uppin this

[F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S]

damn....nice drop man, i was feelin ya Vocab at the begining and ya imagery was pretty nice, id say u could elevate, but there is no doubt the talen is there, just bring it out.

keep elevatin

[The Vortex]

pretty coo drop right here thats fosho.. i think you over-rhymed it a lil on the "tion" "sion" endings which dont realy work too well for me usually unless there as internal rhymes.. its just an easy rhyme kind of

i like long line flows so i can roll with this easily and the content is very good

a couple multis were a bit offish and halted the flow for a minute
a couple of lines maybe had one word too mant to keep the flow tight
vocab was pretty decent in most places
good emotional outpour

keep it up

Holl@ a piece in my sig

pz

pz