Donna

[The_Artist]

Okay now this might not be very good but it's my first so please give some constructive criticism. This is about a true story about a girl I know. The name was changed to protect her identity:

Now before I begin this tale listen to this warning
This has extreme detail about death and mourning
It’s about a Columbian girl her name was Donna
Father was gone somewhere smoking marijuana
Now don’t laugh no more because this ain’t funny
Momma had to be a whore to get daughter some money
Mama mixed up with a money-hungry snotty foo’
He made little Donna start to give off her body too
One day an officer was cruising around the block
Found Donna raped and beaten laying on the sidewalk
He drove around with Donna on a mommy search
Couldn’t find her so he took Donna to a local church
Orphanage tried to find her a new mommy to love
All of a sudden mom’s man walked with black gloves
He was drunk and looking for his little money maker
The church hid Donna under the bed so he couldn’t take her
He was taken away by a cop finally the man was stopped
And next a woman from USA called looking to adopt
Now this might sound like the perfect happy ending
But the problem continued ascending
See her life seem so screwed up that at sixteen she tried
To get her own car blew up and commit suicide
Now she is twenty and still got plenty of issues she need to deal
But now she got a home and she ain’t alone and can afford a meal

[NuM-WuN]

pretty decent story-telling skills (actually good bein that this is your first OM), the imagery was pretty good, it seemed at some parts you forgot a minor word like 'all of a sudden mom's man walked with black gloves' where i think you meant walked IN with black gloves, not too big though, for the most part your flow was on target, kinda sketchy in some areas though (try workin on that), you probably couldve extended the story by tellin about how her new family was n stuff, but overall i say this piece is pretty goood for a newb...oh and another tip, punctuation could kinda help in the piece, itd make your flow more even...peace

[mcl]

sort of on the same subject my life is wack to
grew up to fast in this world not knowin wot to do
i mean hows a kid suppost to know the truth
if he cant even go home and live under his own roof
without gettin gettin smacked up til his eyes bleed red
by the end off his night he wishs he was dead
wot for i hear u say
fuck all it just works that way
now listen up this kid likes his rap
so keep on spittin cheer up this crap

[sILLable]

you had imagery and emotion...but that was about it...decent rhyme scheme as well....all in all you need to elevate...good emotion and imagery though...keep elevatin

[*Peaches*]

dam...
it was lik u was tellin a story
even tho it was tru doe... its more lik a poem..
but u did a nice job, vocab and rhymin was neat doe... it seems lik dis gurl u knew went thru a lot of shit in life....
8.5/10... i loved it

[The Wardon]

decent rhyme