Passion for Fashion

[Donald Trump]

A Passion for Fashion

15 years old caught up in the scene
always wearing the newest jeans
dropped out of school to follow her dream
of becoming new york's fashion queen
didnt really care how she got the money
so all the girls looked at her funny
Sex $100 Head $50 do u understand rob?
yeah baby just give me a simple hand job
Finished, wheres my money? its right here
Ten Twenty Thirty, ok see you again dear
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Closes the door of the car gets out heads home
walking to her house a 3:30 in the morning, alone
Looks in a mirror and says "man my hairs a mess"
arrives gets out her key to her 1 bedroom appartment
Turns on the light nothing happens,she worries a lil
the she remembers thst she didnt pay the light bill
Lights up a candle then she eats a leftover hot dog
goes to her room and starts looking a sears catalog
she starts reading the newspaper and sees 3 scholars
then she says ahh fuck em and counts her 50 dollars
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next day she heads to the mall,arrives and starts to search
for some clothes, shoes, skirts or maybe even a purse
bought a powdered doughnut then walked by a petstore saw a rabbit
keeps walking sees a bag and thinks to herself "I MUST HAVE IT"
walks in sees the bag says i`ll buy he says $55:95 "are you kidding?"
i only have $50 come on please guy i`ll do anything!
he says ok follow me, he heads to the back puts his zipper down
she looked for a second and just stood there w/o making a sound
so she got on her knees with her heads nearly slanted
the guy said start sucking bitch how bad do you want it
she finishes the guy says "wow thanks alot man"
she says w/e gets the purse and leave the guy says cum again mam
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so she spends 3 hours outside the mall thinking how her life was strange
then she though to her self its not worth it man its time for a change
looks at the clock oh man its 10:30 i better head home starts to tally
the recipt realizes she got ripped of gets mad and walks to an alley
starts walking full of anger and screams AHH I CANT BELEIVE THAT FAG!
then all of a sudden a guy w/ comes out and says gimme your bag
she says no fuck you this is mine so the man pulls out a a gat
then he says im warning you she tries to run and the BLAT
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he start hearing sirens so he pulls her and run, sees blood "she was dragged"
the followed the bag and saw her dead next to a Loi Vuitton Bag
they looked at her and saw there was some powder on her head
then the officer smiled walked away and said stupid crack head


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...00#post5502500
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...14#post5502514

[Donald Trump]

upp for some feedback.

[Laureate]

Too many grammar and spelling mistakes made this a real choppy read, make sure you proofread your stuff before posting it....i didn'r understand the story completely, I thought some things weren't very clear, like how did she get ripped off when she seemed ok with paying $50 for the purse and giving the dude head for the extra $5.95....
It was nice to see you try some internal rhymes, and I think they worked nicely for the most part....when you used voices, you should put them in quotes to make them clearer....overall a decent piece, lots of room for improvement tho, keep at it

please peep http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326493

[Forum]

This was a piece based solely on a storyline...the internal rhyme wasn't really all that good...the vocab was mediocore...though the imagery was strong...and the emotion was present..overall this was a good read...nothing more...and it was a good battle drop as well...keep it up..RTF...plz...