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Thread: Cradle

  1. #1
    Urban Knowmad Moniker's Avatar
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    Cradle

    You don't cradle me like you used to.
    Ever since your arms became my straightjacket,
    you haven't let go.
    But you don't cradle me like you used to.
    I guess you're right.
    There's no closure in open arms.
    No solace in goodbye.
    And when your eyes close,
    I'll still see the tears streaming down your face.
    You can't hide them.
    Can't hide behind them.
    Answers, like friends,
    never there when you need them most.
    "Who was there when you needed hope?"
    "Who was there when I needed you here?"
    But you won't cradle me like you used to,
    because you can't.
    When did broken mean souls can't be fixed?
    Ever since your words became daggers
    held close to my throat.
    Ever since your light became darkness
    since rightous became unholy
    since birth we're unworthy,
    wordly,
    hold me.
    But you won't cradle me like you used to.
    I won't let you.

    Blind goodbyes.
    There's no closure
    when eyes are closed.
    And you don't see me,
    And you won't see me,
    again...



    *Directed as a prayer towards God.
    Last edited by Moniker; January 2nd, 2005 at 11:43 PM
    A ruthless
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    of everything existing.
    Po'ethics
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    This was very good mindless. I like how you did this topic and how you presented it. I like that there wasn't a real flow in this, for some reason I like this style that you just did.

  3. #3
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    Alittle vocab could "spice this up" i think.
    But this was good,style,emotion.
    Its pretty good,alittle simplistic though.

  4. #4
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    ^Die, faggot. You have no knowledge of poetry so shut your mouth.

    Mindless, this was pretty emotional. This was an original idea for RB, reminiscent of the Harlem Renaissance poetry, with poetic prayers. I have always liked your poetry man, because you are so direct and gifted with words.
    "You don't cradle me like you used to.
    Ever since your arms became my straightjacket,
    you haven't let go.
    But you don't cradle me like you used to.
    I guess you're right.
    There's no closure in open arms.
    No solace in goodbye.
    And when your eyes close,
    I'll still see the tears streaming down your face."
    Those were the best lines, the starters. They opened up a desperate requiem for God's help and consolation. And you were very deep with it. Only fault is that your metaphors and lines started getting bland later on until these lines that denouned nicely...
    "Ever since your light became darkness
    since rightous became unholy
    since birth we're unworthy,
    wordly,
    hold me.
    But you won't cradle me like you used to.
    I won't let you."
    I can't remember what you call lines like that, I used to know. A metynomy, I think. Something to that affect. Anyways, nice shit. Hit up Into the Dungeon for me. Peace.
    can I kick it?

  5. #5
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    DALC> read more of Mind's. stuff, and you'll see how ridiculous your last commit was.
    SpokenOragami> how can you say something is missing from the middle stanza's. the whole essense is in the middle --- "I guess you're right.
    There's no closure in open arms.
    No solace in goodbye.
    And when your eyes close,
    I'll still see the tears streaming down your face.
    You can't hide them.
    Can't hide behind them.
    Answers, like friends,
    never there when you need them most.
    "Who was there when you needed hope?"
    "Who was there when I needed you here?"
    But you won't cradle me like you used to,
    because you can't. "


    Mindless... its nice to see something simple in language yet more complex in meaning. i like that you've broken away from your traditional stuff. its a beautiful change. keep it up.

  6. #6
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    I think that exactly the lunacy of the rhyme makes it so appreciateable.
    The burden of your failed tasks shall be your haunting.


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    If skill kills, you're dead!

  7. #7
    Certified Like A COW Varentao's Avatar
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    You layed into it with a fair bit of naked emotion. But it didn't create a negative reaction to how the piece was written. You came off as direct and generally unrelenting. At times i felt it fell into cliches which takes you back to the whole 'naked emotion' thing. But your voice was strong enough, and you held it well.

    It was good for what it was.
    I'm too secure to have a signature.

    Oh.

  8. #8
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    My only criticism is that you should try and work the prayer explanation into the poem, even if its just one line suggesting God. Other than that, this has a real quality to it . . . nothing complicated, plenty of cliches, but enough emotion and clarity to make it all work. I like it.

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