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Thread: a short verse....CHECK PLEASE!!

  1. July 26th, 2004, 05:33 PM #1
    Xdicy
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    Arrow a short verse....CHECK PLEASE!!

    i hope my pencil can pencil,
    my disheveled mental, get leveled,
    at several thoughts in my temple,
    are we living or just surviving,
    is the timing of my rhyming mint for the describing of life's odd gray lining,
    cuz what is a life of some-sorts,
    half the time I don't understand what my ears absorb,
    im spun-chords, around my neck and cut-twords,
    my arteries why is it so hard for-me,
    2 get past it, its 2 hard for-me,
    i keep try'ing and its scaring-me
    i wish i parting-sea's,
    i want 2 be the hottest thing 2 grace a mic.
    or replace-a-nite, or atleast have a place-n-life............


    i no its simple as shit..but its the first thing ive done in a long time...please give some feedback on how to improve
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  2. July 26th, 2004, 05:47 PM #2
    Xdicy
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    forgot

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...72#post1574272
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139075
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  3. July 26th, 2004, 07:00 PM #3
    'PercepTion'
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    Structure was way off, try to keep the lines
    a consistent length & use more internals. I
    didn't understand the first line, & the verse
    really had no real meaning to it or anything,
    but keep improvin' & keep rhyming. Use more
    vocab & more internal rhyming....practise is
    the key.

    If you got time:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139115
    Open Mic's


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  4. July 26th, 2004, 07:40 PM #4
    Young Khaos
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    yooooo
    first off u dont have a structure for yo rhyme
    secondly u dont have any multi's
    thirdly u have no point in your rap u just be sayin shit find a topic and stick to it
    fourthly u need a lot of practice maybe u should write more

    dat just my observation if u dont like it oh well but just elevate dats all
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  5. July 26th, 2004, 08:28 PM #5
    REALISTIK
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    hey yo this wasnt to bad ...... but it didnt have a topic .... it had no stucture but your rhymes were kinda there ......... keep upping your shit man and yoll be riping it .... i got a feeling you can write dope shit man ...
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  6. July 27th, 2004, 12:19 PM #6
    T-Klan
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    try to have a better structure next time, nothing really stuck out but u should use words that play off the topic,which i couldnt figure out,overall ikeep improving it'll come
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  7. July 28th, 2004, 05:23 AM #7
    REALISTIK
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    hey return the favour man

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139244
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