Lost Within You.

[Ntalek]

Lost Within You



Becoming one with nature. Savoring every moment afloat.
Casting my rod. As the waves reach the side of my boat.
I wait..
Patiently. For today we’d be becoming romantic
I grow frantic as the rain drips causes your enhancement.
Glancing at chances as I swam in you standing.
Fishing for food yet a peace of mind is more than demanding.
As the soft wind breeze through the tress branches.
I look down at the water seeing you and I dancing.
Shadowing the moons glisten . As the waves
Are battling for position. Were so close
Yet still far away. Feeling distant.
I grab paddles and row for my line has yet to be tugged.
Lashing my lines out of control can’t stomach the love.
You’re one with the one up above. And over all.
I go into deep thought drowning in a emotional clause.
Thinking of the days spent. On top of your gracious
Body. I must say it’s no mistaken . Thanking you highly.
For the days when the waves behaved. So soothing.
Not rocking my boat only progressing our movement.
To the spot where the fishes in school then.
Bate ate. He can’t seem to reel the fishes into him.
As he notices the piranhas viciously chewing.
Witnessing the sinning of crew ships.
Sunk in pollution. Destroying my first and last-
Lover of your mass ground covered. By the
Structure of your 98%. As your marks in the
Sand trace your grin. The boat begins to rock
As my line gets the tug I’ve yearned for
And doesn’t stop. Beginning to reel
My energy feels drained. While w/e has me hooked
Turns circles around the pain. The rain that I've mentioned
Grows. Louder as the thunder rolls. As I reel in what
I’ve cast I jump you laugh at the flash of the lightning bolt.
Enlighten the fact that
The only thing holding us back is wood of the boat.
As the waves thrash the side of my craft I lie afloat.
Throat filled with water. Heart filled with hope.
Yet the fish still pulls on the rod I hold.
Bringing me closer to death as the story unfolds.
As you and I become whole.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=5910656
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=5910658

[Ntalek]

Tops...

[Kuekuatsheu™]

I'm surprised no one left feed on this yet.

I enjoyed this. Your flow was definently poetic in most bars. I enjoyed the connection between yours word and emotion. It was most appearant to me here:

As the soft wind breeze through the tress branches.
I look down at the water seeing you and I dancing.

I felt that description was enough to carry me completely into your imagery. The wording was good also.

[Plexus]

good piece here N. I liked your take on your topic. It was original and captivating. Your flow seemed fuckin great until it started to vear off a little bit towards the last parts of your piece which kinda slowed the ending for me as well which sucks lol. I mean it didnt ruin it but it didnt flow as smoohly and i had to re-read it. Your imagry was good throughout most of the piece. Your emotion i felt alot in the beginning but seemed to kinda slump towards the end. But overall you have a nice piece here. just finish how you start and itll be damn good.

Hit this up for me
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-346850.html

[Ntalek]

UpS.

[Ntalek]

tops...

[Infinate Skillz.]

OMG.

This is the best piece i've seen from you sadly, but it had little little flaws. The story was plain, but yet still had me reading, your imagery was quiet dope..I loved your rhymescheme, the imagery was like, impeccable if i must say, the best part was the imagery..The picture you had helped alot, your structure was organized & Neat, i basically enjoyed alot of reading your piece..I'm surprised at the lack of feed everyone is leaving.you are one of the upcoming topicalist, on this site, but you have a little way to go. Nice job dood

[LedgenZ]

This was good, actually it wasn't, it was dope! Your a very consistent writer and your ability is starting to catch up with your potential. Every single drop I read from you is fresh, interesting and entertaining. Seeing you name in the OM is starting to make me smile, cause I know once I peep the thread there is going to be something in your writing that makes me think - "Damn that was dope!" This piece was no exception. Thought I won't lie the beginning and the end were both well-written, flowed nicely, and skillfully constructed, however, they paled in comparisons to the middle of the drop. The middle is where I felt you put the most effort, that's where all the dope wordplay and conceptualization began to appear; I especially like the refrences in relations to the bait, and the rod, and the boat, and fish and so on and so on..




Favorite Lines:

For the days when the waves behaved. So soothing.
Not rocking my boat only progressing our movement.
To the spot where the fishes in school then.
Bate ate. He can’t seem to reel the fishes into him.
As he notices the piranhas viciously chewing.
Witnessing the sinning of crew ships.
Sunk in pollution. Destroying my first and last-
Lover of your mass ground covered. By the
Structure of your 98%. As your marks in the
Sand trace your grin. The boat begins to rock
As my line gets the tug I’ve yearned for
And doesn’t stop. Beginning to reel
My energy feels drained. While w/e has me hooked
Turns circles around the pain. The rain that I've mentioned
Grows. Louder as the thunder rolls. As I reel in what
I’ve cast I jump you laugh at the flash of the lightning bolt.

^Just that entire potion seemed like a constant onslaught of expression and confession. Like once you started you couldn't stop, a snowball effect covered in dopeness. The wordplay had a field day within that section, and the flow played tag with the scheme. In other words...it was hot!


All in all this entire script should be recognized for what it is - a beautiful example of how to turn a typical, run of the mill, every day, unoriginal story into a complex symphony of magnificent wordplay and heart-felt emotional dialogue. Great job my dude, great job!






pZ

[Ntalek]

Tops.

[NiNjah Red]

ya a rather poetic approch here.uhm?

neatly written no doubt, Nice ride of visual imagery i would say, had a good musical sense about it as well.

all in all seemed like an excelently scripted poem, could be spoken as well, since it seemed to have a steady flow to it, the piece got me a bit seasick at ttimes though, ha

1

[Morbid Dream]

a real poetic verse. Awesome word use and good job with the multies.

As the soft wind breeze through the tress branches.
I look down at the water seeing you and I dancing.

real nice...now I know 'you and I' is correct grammar but 'you and me' wouldve made that rhyme so...so good...~...see!....

You seem to like the mystical angle on concepts.

overall I see why you were in contenderes for SS championship

[Morbid Dream]

my last post didnt work properly....up