reall ish

continplatin about all the saltiness in life all the hating the onslaught is relentless...
barrange of reasons seem so senseless...
folks talk down but to ya struggle, couldnt swear a witness...
where im from ill never forget this, one tug one slug, its all over i can quit this...
but nah i cant relinquish my hold, keepin my grip strong is so hard when its cold...
pause
im in it for the long term, wife, kids and riches..
seeing the short life of scraped knees and torn britches...
so i can feel the emotions that my dad felt...
his lil boy go from nothing to something a grown man with my own wealth...
watch me go from running wit tears to crushin my fears...
Im the support from the rear, when your perseverance aint clear..
For when he cant stand ill be there to say "Daddy Im here."..
realness

this is a real poem.a touching street feel for a real life situation.you could easily turn this into a tupac song.i love the part about 'where im from ill never forget this, one tug one slug, its all over i can quit this...' [very moving and gangsta all rolled in2 one]

preciate that Q-T.. ill drop a reply on ya pieces as well.

hell yea im feelin that 2pac flavor dude not bad at all, wish i could get into more detail but im bout to go to bed, but i liked it though

Meh, this was okay dude. Although to be completely honest with
you i could really get into this as much as I would have liked to. I feel you
though on what you were trying to get across with this piece. From
what i gathered it was based on struggling all your life but trying to
move away from that mentality in order to support family and what
not; though not forgeting where you came from. That's just my
interpretation though, feel free to correct me as i could be completely
wrong. Anyways, like i said before i just could get into this for some
reason. It wasn't the whole basis for the piece that detered me,
as most can relate to struggling maybe not to that degree but
generally speaking, i think it was just the presentation more or less.
I'm not doubting the feeling behind it wasn't genuine it's just that
the way you conveyed it wasn't paticularlly appealing to me as a
reader. In my opinion you just scratched the surface on something
that could have been more elaborately described. In other words
i thought more depth would have definitely helped paint the picture
more vividly in the minds of your readers. Anyways, I thought the
second half was a lot better than the first content wise. You seemed
to delve into the more emotional side of things and that was good
to see. Overall, this wasn't bad. I think you should just work on
utilizing more depth and put a bit more thought into the wording and
perhaps what you're conveying. Also this kind of felt like maybe it was more
of a topical or OM rather than a poem because of the scheme. Don't
forget that in poetry you dont have to adhere to schemes, so in
essence it allows you to be more open and expansive with your thoughts.
Nonetheless, props and keep at it. This is Coyote from Bboys by the way.

-peace

[I]thx for the feed all, mantra ill take that into consideration next time i explore my feelings on paper, thx for the advice... its really more an om i guess than a poem..thx all ill definetly check ya pieces out.

You had nice vocab in the beginning, but it seemed that as you went on, you put less emphasis on it. You could have made this longer, bringing in more events to get your emotions across. Especially at the end, I thought that you could have elaborated. You showed some complex rhyming, which added to the piece.
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