im not actually sure what tools talkin about... theres plenty of rhythmic rhyme-ism in this.. granted its definitely more obscure and less pronounced.. relaxed and more free form than im used to reading from you.
it was a bit of a shock the the system at first- but once i just went with it i actually began to really enjoy it. i gave it a glance yesterday and it sorta just slipped through the cracks then. but now that im sitting down and giving a close read i can appreciate the methodical shift.
your intro kinda touched on both of your next two stanzas - large scale, universal, and also individualistic and personal.
your first few images were strong - i chuckled at the 'can you feel it'? just because it felt reminiscent of something i would start a verse with. especially one like this with the scope out so far.
Quote:
Freeze frame, I turn out my lights..
these days, I feel as if...I can never be right.
transmission of pheramones,
sent into the air, the coldest of glares corrode
the surface of my airid cloak.
the one I wear in public, invisiblity.
- made possible by the fakes who feelin' me!
I think ya made a mistake, you,as real as ME?
n' we'd be a most unlikely pair, like teal & green..
remorse and hurt.. a failed relationship? or just a resentful lack thereof? you took an original approach to the concept using visuals that sort of leaked like a stream of consciousness. your last bit was ok.. even though i think teal and green would look fine together lol
Quote:
If ya got a solo vibe, can ya hear Manolo cries?
comin' from that proto-type, that girl..
starin' with those go-go eyes, & the no-no, I'm-
'not taken.' We'll, girl, I'm a bit taken away...
cause', I feel a bit vacant, like a Motel 8...
after, the apocalypse, how, I oughta' LIVE!
n' I dedicate this as 'ode to the bottomless.'
& oh, how the Prada spits, like a snake in eden,
started the question with, 'why do, we exist..'
prototype was an interesting way to reference the chick in question. there's a frequent tone of apathetic despair in this.. the invisible in a world of clones.
i also dug the couple of designer brand reference.. kept everything together, made it all feel whole in a sense. thats why i feel confident quoting whole sections - its easier than having pick apart each little line, and while i think you write in a way that almost every individual line holds its own little gem, you link them up and string them in a row so that it all stays relevant. which is cool.
Quote:
I imagine myself beyond this planet,
into the galaxy, surrounded by blackness.
past those foreign cars, porn stars, n' actrices
that drive those Hollywood gears, arrivin' where -
the madness is, like a wind up song,
n' if you didn't wind it, well, u wouldn't belong.
here is where you zoom out the focus - now the whole cosmos is in the lens, and you have freedom to roam your thought process and touch on nearly everything in that scope. i was fond of the last few lines.. everybody is so wrapped up in their own little world sometimes. celebrity gossip makes me sick. these false idols that people blindly follow around the internet and discuss as if they're old buddies.
i gotta say your spelling of 'actress' was atrocious. idk if whatever you wrote is a real word or not and it was supposed to be some kinda double meaning. not gonna look it up cause i just assume you spelled it wrong. there are other little technical errors in the writing itself. which doesnt bother me but i felt it necessary to point out this one.
Quote:
I feel the, Universe in my veins,
the curses from chains, of stars burstin' in flames
no love, no nurses of change,
above, no murderers reign, cause the clouds
in our heads all purge with the rain..
as it falls, all the meanwhile the curtains remain,
closed, there's no shows, no splurgin' on stage
no flirtin' with no girls, no pefect ass days,
no hate and no love, no purpose to stay,
no war and no peace, no burnin' remains,
of powerful empires, that lurk in the gray
oppertunities collide - the turnin' of waves
& We wouldn't be here,
if the universe had it's way.P
i'm simply highlighting this whole section to point out the obvious use of rhythm and syllables in the verse - this was more traditional and blatant, so im kind of at a loss as to why english would say that he found almost none.
the content in this section, imo, was a bit "blah" until the ending portion. it was easy to follow and made sense in context with the whole work, it just felt a bit uninspired to me for some reason. but you got your point across.
the last bar of this stanza that led into the outro was probably my favorite part - it was the most interesting and controversial. something thats not very touched upon in a lot of writing, more danced around. this is a core issue though - what sort of molecular misfiring allowed the creation of this perfect environment we take for granted? where did it really begin? which begs the question
WHY DO WE EXIST?
i think to even ask "why" is missing the point - because the "why" implies that some force made the active decision - i would ask "how".. though both open up plenty of doors.
Quote:
so if you're not livin, then a God ain't winnin'
don't you SEE NOW? SEE NOW, U ain't wishin'....
on NO stars, why the FUCK would they listen?
so get out into the world, & start L i v i n g.
dope finish. lol @ the decoration of the last word.
i liked both scopes of your writing. the individual, the troubled, a single lifeline in a network of flashing lights. and then the big picture.
i appreciated your approach.. even though it took me a few read throughs to do so.
probably the most thought provoking piece ive read from you. you drop a lot of plot-based work that relies on twists, which you do pretty well, its just nice to read something different.
lets bring this section back to life.
keep doin it
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