Observations.

[Mr. Black]

yo -


scribbled observations,
statements that a therapist might scrawl
to his patient, roaring laughter as he stares at a white wall -
grave digger, day-tripper, just preparing for nightfall
find me in the sauna, marijuana, mirrors & ice balls.
wrong place, wrong time, life's barely a nice walk
airport attendant on the mic when a terrorists' flight's called..
growing colder, as vanity and arrogance spikes tall
no telling when the blizzard in america might thaw,
cause even most our citizens aint playin the right cards -
actin like some bitches who be chasin their mikes hard.
paraffin lights bombs, brain fluidz level the pyramids
unearthing the masses through psychedelic experiences;
i've seen humor in death - so i won't settle for serious,
this manufactured reality looks much better delirious.
we invest in appearances - motivating massive monopoly
that single line in the sand, separating us from ants in a colony.
plus economy, but authority's an everlasting anomaly
so very few of our species receive a flash of autonomy.
honestly, i'd rather have a beer n' laugh at a comedy
than worry constantly about this rotten branch of democracy,
or these organizations that donate half into poverty -
plus a new sports car that runs on gas & hypocrisy.
by the standards of your cable box, my fashion is obsolete
fabric designed by ME, shit i even planted the cotton seeds!
toured Atlantis on a ghost-ship, reading phantom philosophy -
then transcribed Iliad, entirely, on back of The Odyssey ..
abandoned the sovereignty - conquering through means of division,
is no way to get these sleeping people to LISTEN.
& though a simple working man holds a feeble position,
sometimes it pays to be another piece of the system.

machinery victims - ticking, living off the wages,
man, i gotta admit.. lately i been feeling awful jaded,
but what's life without a little confrontation?
and an old notepad full of scribbled observations..





- Black



--------------
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...156/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...184/index.html

[Soule]

Pretty dope. I really like the rhythm/flow of the whole verse man. never fell off once. I liked the wording too. favorite line was probably

grave digger, day-tripper, just preparing for nightfall
find me in the sauna, marijuana, mirrors & ice balls.

Just rolled off of the tongue so well, I was like 'damn, I feel cool rapping this shit.' I liked the diction you used. Really well placed and not too elementary either. I like that. The imagery was real vivid, I liked the descriptions you gave. Cool little story aswell, made me feel bad for the character in a sense. I can relate a little in an interesting way. Dope piece, keep it up. Can't wait for our collab. Hit up my newest joint if possible.

[60Sec.Terrorist]

honestly, i'd rather have a beer n' laugh at a comedy
than worry constantly about this rotten branch of democracy,
or these organizations that donate half into poverty -
plus a new sports car that runs on gas & hypocrisy.

Lol..Damn Republicans..
But naw, This part stood out.

This Too

paraffin lights bombs, brain fluidz level the pyramids
unearthing the masses through psychedelic experiences;

Yur good With Twisting Words And Making Them Flow, Even in a Text Verse...That's some Good Shit. Most the time -Kats use A Bunch Of Vocabulary while making No Sense...This was a Good Read Tho. Would like To Read More From You...

-Out

[Mr. Black]

w3rd

[Mr. Black]

ur too sweet

[Traumuh]

Great imagery. The concepts were sick and it flowed well.

[Mr. Black]

yes, yes i see it..

[Tool]

In an increasingly self-centric environment liquored with ignorance & users who would much rather offer ungrounded falsified praise to a contextually reputable writer in the hopes of a reciprocation equal or similar to a scratch on the back or a figurative hand trailing up the inner thigh...I guess genuine feed from someone not too apprehensive to offer criticisms is at least vaguely welcome?

finding motivation to write and drop and feed these days is escaping me, smh

anyway, the meat;

10, 4, 12, 4 -- I'm pretty sure you don't count it out, but the 1st and 3rd runs of those endline schemes is something to fuck with...usual order of the day; nice rhyme placement & use of sporadic internals to smooth along a flow that don't falter too often, if at all.

I'm usually cool with the way you can (& do)...'shift between strands of content' (I think that's what I've said in the past) but here I felt a few lines were a little throwaway, or throwin IN there, affected little more than a slight disruption - which I'm not going to pick out - cuz thinking about it, the title/topic gives you a wide scope....so maybe I should suppress the pedant in me.

scribbled observations,
statements that a therapist might scrawl
to his patient, roaring laughter as he stares at a white wall -
grave digger, day-tripper, just preparing for nightfall
find me in the sauna, marijuana, mirrors & ice balls.
wrong place, wrong time, life's barely a nice walk
airport attendant on the mic when a terrorists' flight's called..
growing colder, as vanity and arrogance spikes tall
no telling when the blizzard in america might thaw,
cause even most our citizens aint playin the right cards -
actin like some bitches who be chasin their mikes hard.

decent opening. not too too much to pick apart here in terms of substance for me, I liked that gravedigger/daytripper idea...the movement afterthat is a little...random? Not that I can be overly neagtive of that w/o sounding hypocritical, but this is your piece. Nothing wrong with it, per se, I'd call it airy commentary, keeping the essence as of yet malleable.

italicized words didn't roll of the tongue so naturally, that's about it.

paraffin lights bombs, brain fluidz level the pyramids
unearthing the masses through psychedelic experiences;
i've seen humor in death - so i won't settle for serious,
this manufactured reality looks much better delirious.

the vague commentary moves a likkle more specifically to what concerns us, stimuli maybe, or lack thereof....and what you feel too. I think I kinda saw what you did with the pyramids line but I'm not 100 in truth, the next two are cool -- that psychedlic line actually rings true with me, and the next is def. curious

the last line is disgustingly dope to me, even though you prolly thought I was fucking with you when I quoted it earlier, fuck a rhyme, that line alone is mad standout to me.

we invest in appearances - motivating massive monopoly
that single line in the sand, separating us from ants in a colony.
plus economy, but authority's an everlasting anomaly
so very few of our species receive a flash of autonomy.

word, I agree, mostly. That autonomy line is tight, the sand/ant colony is prolly wasted on me...& 'everlasting autonomy' is strange, that's a juxtaposed pairing of words, you do that on purpose? My guess is, mentioning ants/insects in the previous line, you've crossed our own (inadvertent) 'craving to be ruled' - the masters & the subjugated - with other ecosystems or species who are unconcerned with such things. Iono much bout ants but....colonies typically a queen, right...so in that case you're comparing us to them(!?) Slightly murky couple of lines, and the scheme is a bit 'eh'...rhymes well enough but the sound gets a lick repetitive.

honestly, i'd rather have a beer n' laugh at a comedy
than worry constantly about this rotten branch of democracy,
or these organizations that donate half into poverty -
plus a new sports car that runs on gas & hypocrisy.

wordly, or more ethnocentric shit spliced with your personality -- cool. democracy isn't rotten, it's a myth, a misconception...but I hear ya. that last line is kinda tongue-in-cheek...effective & fitting though. same comments on scheme as above.

by the standards of your cable box, my fashion is obsolete
fabric designed by ME, shit i even planted the cotton seeds!

this marks the movement of the drop into realms not as easy to distinguish, but that's just the writer coming through I guess. I really fucked with what you tried to do here, the multiple layers of fashion/fabric and planting cotton seeds was dope, maybe the execution coulda been a touch cleaner, maybe I'm just slow cuz I had to reread it. Nice, anyway.

toured Atlantis on a ghost-ship, reading phantom philosophy -
then transcribed Iliad, entirely, on back of The Odyssey ..

lmao, random. don't hurt the piece though really. Liked that (word)play on Odyssey & the Homer ref...quite clever.

abandoned the sovereignty - conquering through means of division,
is no way to get these sleeping people to LISTEN.
& though a simple working man holds a feeble position,
sometimes it pays to be another piece of the system.

I won't lie to you - and you'll see it if you finecomb your piece - your use of punctuation could do with small refinements to help the overall body, but minor shit

divide/conquer - history's taught us that, no doubt. people in slumber? the slightly more selfconscious/aware would say so -- so that shit resonates with me, then you kinda flip, well, not so much a flip...more like tieing things up...bringing it back to a tip where, despite our sentience and mental/intellectual acuity; there's some merit to being a cog in a giant machine, a slave to a service; another ant in the colony...

machinery victims - ticking, living off the wages,
man, i gotta admit.. lately i been feeling awful jaded,
but what's life without a little confrontation?
and an old notepad full of scribbled observations..

...or so you - in this piece - or your character has concluded, still, no harm in taking stock and staying vigilant, eh.

that's what I've taken from it. thought it rounded off real pertinent and whatnot.

thanks for the read.

[Zizou]

scribbled observations,
statements that a therapist might scrawl
to his patient, roaring laughter as he stares at a white wall -
grave digger, day-tripper, just preparing for nightfall
find me in the sauna, marijuana, mirrors & ice balls

Good opener we can see the emotion and state of mind that you're in and it rhymes as well. The underlined bits are the lines that I liked from the opener. Really dope.

wrong place, wrong time, life's barely a nice walk
airport attendant on the mic when a terrorists' flight's called..
growing colder, as vanity and arrogance spikes tall
no telling when the blizzard in america might thaw,

Good drop, it's nice to see that you're trying to compare your own state of mind and at the same time reflect on the problem that other Americans are facing e.g terrorism threats.

cause even most our citizens aint playin the right cards -
paraffin lights bombs, brain fluidz level the pyramids
unearthing the masses through psychedelic experiences

Siiiiick drop liking the imagery used in this verse.

i've seen humor in death - so i won't settle for serious,
this manufactured reality looks much better delirious.
we invest in appearances - motivating massive monopoly
that single line in the sand, separating us from ants in a colony

.

Another sick drop man, liked the ant reference it's like us as humans asre becoming seperated from each other because of money and other major congelomerates. Seriously nice drop.

plus economy, but authority's an everlasting anomaly
so very few of our species receive a flash of autonomy.
honestly, i'd rather have a beer n' laugh at a comedy
than worry constantly about this rotten branch of democracy,

Good antithesis used about the reality of the world and how people get through the struggles e.g the line about autonomy and comedy sick drop.

or these organizations that donate half into poverty -
plus a new sports car that runs on gas & hypocrisy.
[U]by the standards of your cable box, my fashion is obsolete
fabric designed by ME, shit i even planted the cotton seeds!

Like this line as well, like the fact that you're making a stand against trend setters and other fashion outlets who pressure people to dress in a certain way etc.

then transcribed Iliad, entirely, on back of The Odyssey ..
abandoned the sovereignty - conquering through means of division,
is no way to get these sleeping people to LISTEN.
& though a simple working man holds a feeble position,
sometimes it pays to be another piece of the system.

Good drop, you paint a vidid imagery you keep the flow throughout the whole piece.

machinery victims - ticking, living off the wages,
man, i gotta admit.. lately i been feeling awful jaded,
but what's life without a little confrontation?
and an old notepad full of scribbled observations..

Good Way to end it you draw it to a close as you recollect on your thoughts and state of mind and question the state of the world. It was pretty much a sick drop overall good structure as well. Sorry if the feedback wasn't detailed enough I'm still new to understanding the concepts of the whole forum.

[Dex'Labb]

Well i'm on tilt right now after i got robbed in a poker tourment online...fkin dude flopped an ace high straight....anyway,

growing colder, as vanity and arrogance spikes tall
no telling when the blizzard in america might thaw

w00000 that shit was FIRE haha yuuuup. I really enjoyed this I can connect to it, lately I've been feeling extroverted so I cooked up that Open Mic...and this verse highlighted some aspects of life that I've been thinking hard on. The entire 'systematic' monotone that underlies this is what really got me. I'm gonna break down the parts that I was really feeling,

i've seen humor in death - so i won't settle for serious,
this manufactured reality looks much better delirious.

How true it is, huh, because why be so serious....I mean if you think - this is our only life to live and why spend around 60 years or so being a hardass? Because you will appear more dignified? Cmo'n that's a wartime mentality, okay, let's keep moving on...

or these organizations that donate half into poverty -
plus a new sports car that runs on gas & hypocrisy
by the standards of your cable box, my fashion is obsolete
fabric designed by ME, shit i even planted the cotton seeds

It's so true - I mean you have these companies promoting green earth pumping tonnes of hydrocarbons out into the atmosphere, all the meanwhile the business people are driving those new whips straight off the lot. And they don't even care bout' it, the fact is, environmentally friendly or 'green' is just the newest selling point in the market right now, just like promoting breast cancer research on so many different products, how much money is actually going towards the organizations and how much is banked as a sale point? Anyway, I could be rambling, moving on, I like how in the next bar you stated the fabric was designed by YOU. I mean that's like saying it's unique to a specific person, but uniformity is king. The added 'planted the cotton seeds' damn, that was dope too. You're referring culturally to the roots of social dynamics, how many people have to fall for a select few to rise - at least that's how I took it.

machinery victims - ticking, living off the wages,
man, i gotta admit.. lately i been feeling awful jaded,
but what's life without a little confrontation?
and an old notepad full of scribbled observations..

This stanza really wraps everything together nicely. The uniformity, the uniform mentalities, the social specifications on this planet. If I understand correctly, you're saying that, though there's a systematic approach to life on Earth, that we all feel obligated to follow, in retrospect, if there were no system - then suddenly being a unique individual would be a uniformity? Maybe that was a little complex of a sentence. But I feel as if you made you're point all fine, it just seems as if there's more you want to say. Like, what are you going to do about it? That's what I really wanted to find out, I mean you've identified a problem but where is you're solution? I know you must have an idea. I mean, is it enough just to have a notebook of scribbled observations? To keep everything to yourself, or is it the fact that others will read this as the 'notebook' and will be able to relay your message on that is your answer to the problem?

In conclusion, I really enjoyed this verse. One line I didn't particularly like was the brain fluidz line, I'm not sure why, just didn't feel up to par with the rest of the verse. A solid drop, I just felt as if something was missing. I mean, if people who become super successful in this world don't play by the rules, why be a mechanical part of their machine? Lol, Iuno, maybe there can be a part two, maybe it's a personal thing and you're becoming more individualistic. I will now stop being a psychologist. Great drop, keep them coming, maybe OM will become alot brighter in the near future.

[Mr. Black]

well.. brain fluidz line was in reference to an old piece i wrote called 'brain fluidz'. lol i dont know why i do that.. never even dropped it on this site.

after writing that line i looked it up and couldnt find it.. which sucks..

thanks for the reciprocation dex. i appreciate it.

1


also --

I mean, if people who become super successful in this world don't play by the rules, why be a mechanical part of their machine?

what defines success?

[Dex'Labb]

depends who you are, if you're the 'successful' person who didn't play by the rules and now you are at the top of your game then success is money. If you're a mechanical part of the system, your 'success' is things like family & love, children...etc. Most people just pretend to be happy with what they have though, I hate when people'll throw that, money can't buy hapiness out into conversation....let's see em' cash a 1,000,000 cheque and not feel like they were missin' out, just my opinion

[2XL]

Liked the whole flow of the piece along with the multis. Fave bar definetely had to be

unearthing the masses through psychedelic experiences;
i've seen humor in death - so i won't settle for serious,
this manufactured reality looks much better delirious.

was feeling the concept too enjoyed reading this a good 5 times before replying

[Mr. Black]

my mental stuck like a fucked up CD
wanna get high? fuck it come and smoke dust with mee

[Mr. Black]

dont be scurred