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A…POET…A…Pen
A…POET…A…Pen
Two-dimensional plane,
Pain contoured, though outlined shame
Divulged emotional stains,
Fallow-beaconed hate
On shallow lines,
Outline dies with chemical dyes,
Inscribing my life
Defining my demented side
Reviving cemented strife,
Abiding time-crying rife words
Adjectives, nouns, and verbs,
Words to express, my life, my dreams, my death
Sliced dreams, the scythe my pen
Ascending greed, condensing my infinite end
Descending hates within,
Emotional martyr suspended amid…
My soul…exposed with ink
Bleak existence begins,
External end extends…
Bending mirages of light…
Wrenched plight of life
Devoured with reckless strikes
and strokes…of pen
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i really liked this.. i feel as a poet and an MC this is something i can identify with.
I also like the Imagery you use. "the scythe, my pen", "divulged emotional stains"... i would almost call that brilliance. i think you may have got caught up a bit in rhyming in a few parts of the peice things such as
Defining my demented side
Reviving cemented strife,
^ it seemed like that last line was a bit of a filler, seeing as it neither progressed, nor defaced the quality of the drop.
I also think the structure could use some work. some of the lines were really short, others were exeptionally long.. this makes the overall appearance of the drop disproportioned and the reading is a bit choppy. However I applaud you for keeping you're flow through the drop dispite the structure.
overall this was a really dope peice. I really enjoyed reading this.
Please return feed if you can http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...48#post4487248
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IMO, you kind of need to elevate. Make your lines a lil longer, and have more detail and emotion in your poetry. If you are a beginer than this peice is ok, but keep writing and elevating.
please leave feed on mine in my sig, thanks.
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^ could u be more precise or specific this critism is too brief with no real evidence...I like critism dont get me wrong what ever I can get to elevate I will, but just dont tell me to elevate, tell me what I need to change to elevate not just make your lines l;oner.R U a beginner? that isnt an explanation...thx please explain...It would be appreciated thx
