"Lost in your rock and roll"

Lost in your rock and roll?

These sidewalks screaming bloody warfare,
Into a dirty melody birthed by passion,
Unearthed and fashioned towards Lucifer’s orgasm.

The guitar seeped a smile to a single face,
Braced itself for a moment of climax,
Breathing its harmony onto broken glass,
Timing itself perfectly for tears,
To pulsate their lies to a society of fools,
It flirts viciously with its audience.

Broken violins create a riot of shattered hearts,
Rapes the senses; whilst souls collide,
Intertwine jealously with hate; sins lover,
Amplifiers burst vigorously to their,
Deaths; String a noose around the necks,
Of crying guitars talking of peace.

‘Give me the beat boys and free my soul, I want to get lost in your rock and roll, and drift away’

Strangling art, burn the scriptures lost in time,
Take my soul to ecstasy; Walk along,
Side me in the place where rainbows sway,
Side to side at the feet of melodic pride,
Join me just this once in a songs love light,
Strengthen your hollow bones and stand,
Unfold your locked tongue and sooth your voice,
Disarm your hurt and free your soul.

Inspired by Bob Segars classic- Drift Away.

So yeah, I'd appreciate feed if possible.

Incase anyones confussed, It's a piece on what certain music types do to us, make us feel ect...

Word.

Still no feed?

Pfft @ you all.

I'll leave feed on this if you make me a mod. ;)

Well, anyway, nice emotional piece. Nothing really original, that stands out to me, and I liked most of the things you had in here. I mean, the poem was good, but just kind of shallow and boring to me. Don't get me wrong, your ethics and everything were good, but it's just me. I didn't like the concept you brought foward.

Average.

You wanted feed, and I left it.

Thanks dude, Apreciate it.

I have no problem with opinion dude. Not everyone will identify and get into a poem.

finally a reason to break stanzas lol. well i liked this as a whole but i feel differently about each part, so i guess i'll break this one down.

These sidewalks screaming bloody warfare,
Into a dirty melody birthed by passion,
Unearthed and fashioned towards Lucifer’s orgasm.
this was a very good begining. it opened the peice on topic and flowed well enough to keep the readers attention.

The guitar seeped a smile to a single face,
Braced itself for a moment of climax,
Breathing its harmony onto broken glass,
Timing itself perfectly for tears,
To pulsate their lies to a society of fools,
It flirts viciously with its audience.
it seems that this is almost what you instinctivley feel when you hear a guitar. nice job of putting your emotions into words, and though you can't speak for everybody, anyone should be able to see where you came from.

Broken violins create a riot of shattered hearts,
Rapes the senses; whilst souls collide,
Intertwine jealously with hate; sins lover,
Amplifiers burst vigorously to their,
Deaths; String a noose around the necks,
Of crying guitars talking of peace.
ok.. i feel like you may have either had a little bit of a block, or you got mabye to
comfortable with the topic, either way you strayed a little bit, and instead of, as you said, talking about how this makes you feel, you elaborated a bit much and made it so visual it almost became as not what you were thinking or feeling, but as you were telling a story and you were speaking litterally.

‘Give me the beat boys and free my soul, I want to get lost in your rock and roll, and drift away’
lol.. not much to say here, its obviously relavent

Strangling art, burn the scriptures lost in time,
Take my soul to ecstasy; Walk along,
Side me in the place where rainbows sway,
Side to side at the feet of melodic pride,
Join me just this once in a songs love light,
Strengthen your hollow bones and stand,
Unfold your locked tongue and sooth your voice,
Disarm your hurt and free your soul.
this had a better feel for the topic. i think this brought it back for you, still able to create a visual, but not so much in a litteral sense. good closure here and a really nice job overall

Thanks alot dude.

Upping.

'Broken violins create a riot of shattered hearts'

I really liked that line. A lot of this had poor wording but for the most part it was an ok piece. It's nice to finally see you break up your lines a bit and stop using stretched formats for your poetry. Not the best I've seen from you, but it had a different feel from your other works, so progression is cool.

Thanks dude, Yeah i didn't take much time on this, I just wanted to drop something as i had the ol' writters urge lol.

And yes, befor you demand it, I WILL FEED ON YOUR PIECE MOTHER FUCKER! :LOVE:

I like that song ... anyway this was a pretty nice emotional piece... the metaphors were pretty nice as well.. i especially liked the line with the lucifers orgasm.. ive seen it worded differently, but you fflipped it to a much better wording.. the concept is a bit played.. but this is still a nice piece

hit up "Eulogy is late"

first of all, let me make this clear as day for you. Dobie Gray did the song better bitch :rolleyes:. ok, so now for your feed! lol, anyways. loved how this was written, almost like it could've been apart of the song in a way. your words flow nice, reality was pointed out plain as day. everything was nicely done. i really liked the way you included the drift away chorus as well. that was dope, perfect place to put it. vocabulary wasn't too lengthy, just a good piece.

nice read, this kind've stuff is pleasant to read.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305039

This was a god piece but not as grasping as your works are capable of. I reckon this was maybe due to the fact that you were trying to create the atmosphere and feel that the original song does, which by the way i have not heard so maybe that's why i couldn't grasp the feel. Though your use of imagey was very good. I liked how you personified many things and weaved them into your lines to create vividity in the readers mind. I always like that kind of piece as it is more enjoyable and usually better written. The vocabulary was aight, nothin too high nothing too low, nicely balanced for such a piece and the form and structure was okay too.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305352