Sweet Nothings

As the world turns
my reflection gets colder
a heart full of worms
hanging on thin solder
a drowning boat
floating on a boulder
the boulder sinks
taking a martyred soldier
screaming sweet nonsense
clutching on a folder
“Confidential”……
Don’t say I ever told ya
foaming out my mouth
infected by society
built a 3rd story on my house
Wolf blew it away entirely
The 3 pigs ran
then manufactured in piety
Sufi sings disparagingly
shadow the shadow behind me
So I let her dream
Demean a relation so clean
Cleaner then a doctor--
operating by many means
steaming like I’ve got a spleen
A temper- why don’t you---
remember to control the member
Lodged in your cranium
Sharp like magnesium
brain floating on helium
Squeaky voiced sneakily poised
To sing like a fiend with choice
Of his drugs—his coke carbonated
Carbonated?...na it’s purely donated
By selfish means…
I’ll get some dollars
corroding these beings

is this how you wanted me to have my structure?...I don't write like that...
But overall this had great imagery...metaphors were on point...and the point cam through sharp in the end...good write...stay up...Humble as always...SW

Thank...nope i hardly use this kind of structure myself, it was a different take...you need to shorten your lines..not this much but quite a bit


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...32#post5492632
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...40#post5492640

my lines read through...sorta of a constant thought...
ex...the wind is blowing on end...and I'm rowing again...to paddle to battle my sins...

I break up bars when I rap but in poetry I let the words flow...and leak through the paper...lol...you know? maybe it's just a bit harder to read...never had someone complain(criticize) my structure before...but again I will think about it...and no prob...I like reading...inspiration comes from many places...

Yup you've got a good attitude and staying here will imporve your ability.

..thank you..and I look foward to reading more from you and getting more criticizm...

No doubt.

Bumpy Knuckles^

Hmm...Something different from you this Baron but yeh i liked it...Liked the short lines which some people wont but anyways...liked the impact the piece had it read quite simple but inforced quite well if you understand me?...lol...i liked the vocab and grammar and i thought the rhymescheme was tight my man overall a good job. Stay up.

-Thomas.

RTF on this thingy ima drop in 5 mins.

i liked this. it was a good piece
it flowed consistantly and the rhymes were consistent and obviously some thought went into this good work... people could learn alot from you i think lol, well i do er time i read one ov ur pieces... anyway i didnt liked the end i think it finnished to abruptly na mean?

"ill get some dollars
Corroding these beings"

i think that was too sudden na mean?

neway good piece, propz

Yup it did end abruptly lol..it would have carried on otherwise

yea haha this was good like usuall from you but know collab with me before I kick you

lol aight

Bump.

Very... odd... from you. Anyways. It's so vague, unclear what you're saying, I suppose you were just writing just to write... I mean... the title is Sweet Nothings, so, I suppose it connects. It's pretty cool, I mean, I read all the way through and never skipped a beat, you were flowing pretty well, there. I just didn't see much of the usual "you" in this piece, but, that's okay, I like to see people giving off a different vibe, it's cool. You were definitely a little bit out there on this one, man, maybe you were drunk or something, LoL, it's still pretty cool, but there's not a lot of weight to it, if you get me. Anyways, peace. Check my latest if u get time it's on the front page.

Baron....this was pretty much like a sort of freewrite from you...though you pulled off the short line thing with the perfect flow...but the content in this piece seem'd bland....like it was just ongoing...but then again the topic was sweet nothings so you kinda played on that..to a certain extent..all in all this was still a great drop though...just not the usual Baron....