Mirror On The Wall.

Blood drips, from tears,
…She trips from fear…
Beautiful red lips,
As her reflection hits,
…And cracks the mirror;
The last of her body shaking,
Thoughts of the past, aching.
…Some of her last breath,
She has left…
...she’s taking;
Thoughts of the past, breaking,
All about the choices she’s making;
…Hopes rise she holds tight,
The shine in her eyes fright,
Tries to keep a straight face,
…but still lace with contrite;
Not one sin committed
Yet she wants to be forgiven
As she stares at her image…
She just decides to finally give in.


http://www.rapflava.com/forums/attac...ade-her-cry.jp

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...76#post5488076
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...78#post5488078

Wow,
Very Strong Piece.

Like I Say Before, Your One Of The Most Creative Topical Head On Rb, And Should Be In Hall Of Fame. You Have Strong Visual Imagery. You Have Nice Vocabulary, And Nice Metaphors, Keep Going Kid. Nice Piece Here, One Of Your Best I've Seen So Far, And Can't Wait To See Your Next Piece.

P.S.-Lets Do A Collab.

wtf, why is all the feed i have deleted?

THE SITE FUCKED UP MAN, I WAS WHITE KONG AND ALL MY SHIT GOT FUCKED UP THATS WHY I SWITCHED UP MY NAMES.....

but anyways I loved this piece...good imagery, wordplay, multies, metaphors
basically everything stood out Ive read a couple of your pieces and you doing ya thing playboy stay up, keep elevating (though your topicals never need work)
~1~

Lol, I still need alot of work, thanks though.

Pretty deep peice, Im diggin the new style
I'm not much into poems but this was well done

Gotta give ya some props for sure on that my man

I have to admit.It all made sense you werent just looking for words that rhyme and it wasnt depressing good work papi!

That was good. I would have probably liked to see it continue but for I definitely felt that desperation element that you seemed to be going for. Yeah the ryhming was tight plus it all made sense basically so the only negative feedback I can give you is that it would have been cool if you wrote other verses for it, that way you could develop the character more slowly thoughrouly.

tite shit right here. a bit short...imagery was sharp to say the least.....

i had a slight problem with the word choice of one line in particular though
which was-

Some of her last breath
she has left


some of her breath seems a bit strange
anyway--

flow/ meter was nice .moved at a fast and intense pace for me..
i may have deleted the word just from the last line, or chopped a syllable somewhere else to tighten the meter ffor the end line
more a poem here than an om . but nice all the same


cool


check out my piece right here-

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325818

Lol, yeah the end was a bit rushed, I just wanted to get it done.

Thanks anyway everyone.

upp.

This was a decent piece man. At first i wasnt sure but the more i read the more everything fit pretty nicely. It was a little short but it still worked. Good job.

thanks.

i'll be honest it came off shaky at first it didn't come out well when i first started reading it got better as i went on reading. But still this girl i felt was still not completely revealed to the reader i finished reading it and wondering wtf happened cause i can't see that picture maybe but it just seemed like the reasons for here leading up to this point were hidden and what happened to here was hidden overall decent and you might think my feed was harsh but im not being harsh im just showing you that i actually read it

feed me and paks new piece pleas babe

It did make sense I like your structure the image was meh wording was good .......the verse was a lil short but fuck it overall I give it a 7 because it wasn't bad just wasn't nothing too good neither but good verse

Thanks.

was not bad , too short for my liking...
i felt u could have gone somewhere else w/ this...
but as you chose to keep it short.... its still is sweet
i just was being greedy and wanted more ... x_X
flow and wording very much played the biggest part in here
and u laced them nicely . so props for a sweet verse

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325329
^just re-post what u had there before ...lol

[fobnt=georgia] Dj..I didn't really see what was so amazing about this one...unlike others..I've seen a lot better from you...I see that you still haven't elevated on the vocab side of things but...I guess you're comfortable with your word choice...it was pretty short and seemed to be worded weirdly in some spots...though it flowed well some of the rhyming words seemd forced in those weird spots I mention...overall it was a good read but nothing more..[/font]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Licorice

was not bad , too short for my liking...
i felt u could have gone somewhere else w/ this...
but as you chose to keep it short.... its still is sweet
i just was being greedy and wanted more ... x_X
flow and wording very much played the biggest part in here
and u laced them nicely . so props for a sweet verse

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325329
^just re-post what u had there before ...lol

---

Lol, Thanks, sorry my feed got deleted, pm me and we'll do a collab some time.

Last upp.

Not my style of om this would've went over better in the poetry section although I believe you prolly put it here for the simple fact it'll get more replies, any who, this was a alright piece, your wording was nice very consistent through out the piece, but your imagery was off and on you'll be vivid with the imagery one second the the next you'll come in with the emotion you cant do that you have to learn to incorporate them both at the same time, the emotion in this piece was good could've used some brushing up and better words to describe the character feelings, but meh thats just me, the vocabualry was nice a bit shaky at times, but overall you did alright.

Please drop some quality feed on this piece

this piece was dope. and the imagery was real deep. it had me hanging on every word from the start. and the multi's were nice.. a lil on the poetry side... but its definitely good writing skills, no matter what... ill keep an eye out for more from you... but keep bringin the dopeness... i enjoy it...

i dont know if its the images u've seen as a youth, but u have a very disturb mind. Which in all makes a great topical head, the pain they life or vividly seen inflict on other and or thierselves.

this was a very visual piece my friend, every word in this poetry u said gave me a image of what u where discribing.. but as i read it. i picture more like a dark room w/ a mirror in it, blood as the image shatter.. etc, wont break into too much..

but this was good kid.

i'll be sure to peep from u in the near future

Dope piece, there is no denying. Especially in taking the unorthodox way to approach the piece. Short and sweet, and that may go over many people's heads, because it seems to fit the thoughts of the main character. Even though I can't see the picture, your writing gave me enough of an idea of the character you were writing about even in the few lines you gave us. Thats an example of good writing that everyone should take note of.

btw.. i never leave links but id appreciate some feed on this if you dont mind
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=327714