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Crossed Lines
Wrote this out of Emo. Personal piece. =\
I'm divorced from marriage cursed as a sophmore & parent
Apparently my purpose is to burden the parents
Of the young girl I was once, prematurely embarrassed
To share or converse words with -Her words put me on earths end
From fervent excursions, walkin' her to school & returnin'
I've grown into lonliness, became cruel & concernless
'Word' is, my only leg - My only tool of expression
But expressin' the truths lead me to a pool of intestines
Of Robert my step-father who made a fool from a fledglin'
He was cool when he met me - Then he was done playin' games
He'd abuse, like he bred me...So I unruly became
The thing he hated most...and started saggin' my jeans
Began actin' real & like me...And stopped naggin' to please
But love never rubbed off- Cold shouldered - Shouted the judgin'
"Oh, look at his clothes, he'll never amount to nothin"
Devout to nothin', rap helped fight suidical decisions
Thank god for my daughter - Not to oppose my convictions
She's kept oxygen in my lungs while I was strung in the kitchen
On products that brought up conflict-Conflicts become my existence
I've shopped for coffins & land plots, where I'll serve out my sentence
A tenant no longer-No longer an inmate livin' imprisoned
I'm done runnin' in Rat Races - To become a statistic
So clenchin' this guns not for me, it's for all who's been in this scene
It's for all who've been left out of the group, or wasn't picked for the team
It's for all who've called in for troops..and been left beat in the streets
It's for all who's self esteem bleeds...and all that seldom achieve
....I pull this trigger in hope...In hope to relieve...
...A sudden sound in the background prevents me to squeeze...
...I arise - Eyes blurred... None of this is familar to me...
...Seein' the noise- A phone, I pick up and ponder in heed
...It's my wife Natasha...It was all but a dream...
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Re: Crossed Lines
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Re: Crossed Lines
Not bad Mazerka, piece was aight, u were wanting to express urself and show the words were valuable to u. Nobody's going to argue wid that everybodys had some shit in their lives no doubt. I can't really tuch on any few lines, the whole verse was felt dawg. -1- 5.75/10
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Re: Crossed Lines
nice expression yo f'sho i .fell it form the kickoff ..............
n i actually DO like most the way you flow your ish..
nice format in this 1 .almost too perfect.ha..........
a couple of words seemed a touch repetitive...like "me"."her"..etc..........
had sum, nice quite sic imagery tho which i like alot ..........
dayum my net time is up. i been checkin yo puieces tho. ill check up on that other rap flow u got later bero
pz1
coo
2
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Re: Crossed Lines
Thanks for the feed peeps. Leave links and I'll RTF.
Keep 'em comin'.
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Re: Crossed Lines
Uppin'. Again, I will RTF.
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Re: Crossed Lines
This most definately was a dope piece...and a very exciting and emotional read...Reading this took me back to place in my mind when I use to indulge in street crimes..never thinking I'd be shit...but now I'm a recent college graduate.....just trying to make it in the corporate world...but yeah you worked this piece... the emotion was the grasp of the piece as it played more of a role than anything else...secondly was your wording...the repetitive usage of certain words actually made it make since in reguards to what NiNjah had said...but overall this was a great read....keep it up and RTF...
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Re: Crossed Lines
I love this type of writing. I see and hear a lot of people rhyming with the same words or similar words (like your first two lines, parent with parents) and most of them sound terrible, but I liked that one. And there's a lot of emotion. Defintley would like to hear this to a emotional-ish, low key beat.
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Re: Crossed Lines
Appreciated. And yeah, kinda in the 'what to do' limbo, meh, I'll figure it out. I'll RTF. Uppin' Keep 'em comin'.
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Re: Crossed Lines
Kid, you got nice flow. For a beginner, I'd average you being a pretty good writer in the future. I'd adivse you to take on more complicated structures, and more difficult flows so you can expand your mind and become a more versatile writer. Try different and interesting topics, that's the best advice I can give you. If you continue to write topics like this (not that it's bad, but. . .) people will continue to get bored with it, and not read your pieces. I liked the message in this piece, it might've been overlooked, but it was good, man. A nice and deep piece in a clean and tidy delivery man, good job.
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Re: Crossed Lines
Thanks. Yeah, I know this is kinda played-like, but I'd figure I'd drop it anyway. Thanks for the feed.
Uppin'.
More feed.
Leave links to RTF.
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Re: Crossed Lines
Uppin'.
Leave links and I'll RTF.
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*Hopes for a wee bit more feed*
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Re: Crossed Lines
Pretty nice piece. I felt the emotion in this. The only problem i had was with some of the wording. You could've added some things and left some things out. All in all .. a decent drop.
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Re: Crossed Lines
