Waiting For Love

“Carla I love u, I can’t imagine life without you my soul will burn”
“James I will sit in this chair and be joyful upon your return”

As she sits in the chair fulfilling her omen to James the days slowly go by
All she can think about is her admiration for James’ courage to fight in the war
The affliction she causes herself is deranged she didn’t think what she might adore
Pain torturing her tormented soul, two years later she sits without releasing a sigh

“As I wait for my love, I’m hoping he comes home safe and sound”
“I will be thinking about him during the day and as I sleep”

Her eyes bloodshot and canary all she can see is the door and the darkness
All she can hear is the sound of a radio in the distance arousing her senses
Her wrist throbbing through the night, all she can smell withering hope and tension
Love finally caught her, she tries to remember back when she was still heartless

“Oh father in heaven I’ve made a promise to James its something I must keep”
“I have the feeling James is dead, but I’ll stay in this chair even after he’s found”

As she sits even longer she thinks about getting up, but would feel guilty if she did
It’s been 5 yrs since James left, and miraculously she’s still living healthy and strong
She’s been in the chair so long she doesn't know how to stand it seems too wrong
She thinks of waiting for James as her godly mission, and finally its has been completed

“Lord as I try and walk again, please guide my steps as I try to revive”
“I tried to keep my promise to James but It’s hard, but my life must go on”
“I don’t know what’s on in the world, I’ve been sitting in this chair for so long”
“James will always have my heart, inside me his spirit will always survive”


So Carla garners enough strength to stand, all she can do is just fall back
Her legs were so weak they couldn’t support her weight she wasn’t strong enough
God wasn’t with her she must not have been there for James long enough
The second she finally got up, all she could feel is her legs crack then snap

“James I will see you one day again in heaven, but until then I will be driven insane”
“I have been through enough as I waited for love and never gave up his return”
“Since he hasn’t been home, I tried to make it on my own but my legs started to burn”
“god as I lie on this floor praying for help please come and take away my pain”

Link 1
Link 2

The concept seems kind of cliche
but different in the point of view you used
the scheme was cool
perfect grammar and such.
stay up

hmmm this was decent i know your new to topicals and i'll help you out here, first some of your lines we're stretched as fuck and turned me away and fucked up the flow and i didnt like your rhymescheme it just didnt catch my eye really, your flow was good in some parts but went off in others which is why stretch lines are bad, your multies and rhyming could be better but the way you did yours wasnt forced and was an easy read, vocab was just about perfect, wasnt simple or complex which kept me reading, asside from those flaws and the played topic which even i write on this was a decent peice, i guess i could say even good seeing you are new to topical, good shit hit the sig and keep up homie.

aight thanks fam. for the feedback...uppers like ur depressed

i don't know abou everybody else,but i thought this was an pretty good peace,the emotion and imagery was pretty powerful in this peace,vocab and your hoie of words were deffinently up to par,not that complex and str8 storyline and use of multis,this was an acceptable read,never read muh from you but good job.

hit links in sig please

Not too sure on this piece, I know you do text and all.... But hmmm, it was a good piece though, the rhyme scheme was different... which was good to see, as you came with originality.

You're vocabulary was great, your structure was cool too. You're imagery was good, and you're metaphors were pleasing :)

And I like the idea of having two type of presentations, the whole black and white text thing, made it more appealing.

Overall man, a good piece, and it's good to see you, being a text head, experimenting around here, because some peeps get scared of that shit, and stick to thier own game - and never get the chance to elevate.

Keep at it man :D Looking forward to you're future pieces.

RTF on "Through Whispering Words"

PS: My name is James, lmao.

up...

WTF at her legs snapping lol...i like these kind of love om's cause of TRAGEDY lol..though unrealistic it was aight. Technically you need to expand your vocab and start using multies inners etc to get a supportive rythm. Your lines stretch as you have't got the multiple rhyming to support the length. YOu'll have to work on that as it can make a piece that much more exciting. Overall, i think the concept was aight, unoriginal but aight as your not a full time topical head. But yeah i reckon the only part i didn't like was the cliche rhyming style in the white part. However, i reckon you are elevating, steadily and should branch off on more challenging or intriguing topics. Stay up^.

Hmm, Decent Peice..
The RymeSceme was ight, but it could have been better with some more thought and time into it, There were alot of lines that were stretched, really threw the reading off

Now For The Positive, The Vocab Usage Was Pretty Nice, Seen Alot Of Potintial For even more doper OM's In the future, The Flow was a good non-stop with nothing to really throw it off to bad. At first it looked like you forced alot of the rymes but after i read i just seen they were stretched, so good job on not forcing em'. The Multies were good at spots yet diden go well with some, and the rymes you used were also inbetween...Stay Up Fam

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lyrical Assault

Hmm, Decent Peice..
The RymeSceme was ight, but it could have been better with some more thought and time into it, There were alot of lines that were stretched, really threw the reading off

Now For The Positive, The Vocab Usage Was Pretty Nice, Seen Alot Of Potintial For even more doper OM's In the future, The Flow was a good non-stop with nothing to really throw it off to bad. At first it looked like you forced alot of the rymes but after i read i just seen they were stretched, so good job on not forcing em'. The Multies were good at spots yet diden go well with some, and the rymes you used were also inbetween...Stay Up Fam

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ROFLMFAO *DEAD*

Alright, well, your structure was the first thing that I took notice of. Your A-B/A-B meter mine aswell had not been there. A-B takes either a lot of internal support, or short line structuring. I would concider your lines stretched by a regular flows standard... so when being used with an A-B the flow just completely dropped off. The concept as said above, was somewhat cliche. Next time I work on cutting back my line lengths, and then branch off into strengthening your emotive technique and creative approach ideas.

If you could,
Vietnano-Tech.

Just RTF from ur feed on my piece with Baron

I personely liked this piece, the ryme skeme was dope IMO Played topic thoe, your occasional streched line made flow a bit odd but it was pretty good, Your colourfull writen is the shit thoe, im to lazy to do it wish i did cuzzz it makes it ill as fuck.
Try to get some multies thoe :)


keep writen sttay up

Mabi a colabb :o

P.S: i kno u jacked this topic from that epposode of Pokemon whare the girl waits for her husband from the war and never leaves the top of the moutain and turns into stone lol

Anyone looking to collab in here....

Dope shit JFC

me ^^ lol

P mme with an idea....or PM anyways...

not a bad piece at all. emotion was apparently the selling point of the piece, flow was a bit stretched and what not. make an attempt to lessen the meter. this piece was definitely more of a poem than anything, nice scheme. vocab was fine but without emotion this piece would have been missing a lot. keep the emotion in your futures but iron out the technical aspects. keep it up.

peace fam.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cliff.Hanger

P.S: i kno u jacked this topic from that epposode of Pokemon whare the girl waits for her husband from the war and never leaves the top of the moutain and turns into stone lol

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:ROFL: i dont watch pokemon. i aint watched that in like 6 yrs but :ROFL:

n thanx for the feedback and advice

Eh, I wasn't really feelin' this that much, the stretched lines made it kinda 'meh' for me plus the rhyme scheme felt a bit poor. It needed some internal's and such but you had good vocab. and imagery so I suppose that compensates for some. Your plot seemed consistant despite over-stating points and such.... Overall, it was straight. Keep up.

And RTF on this please...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=315755

dat was tight. concept was good. keep it flowin dogg. let me get down wit ya crew dipset

^fuck Dipset Nigga.

u aint in dipset??