WITHERED SOCIETY: f/Truth

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e1.../starvkids.jpg

Withered Society

Truth:
polluted souls, grab hold, of whats pure now we are are all left in the cold
behold the putrid dictators plot unfolds, where once kindness was bold
it know lays limp beside todays society,i feel such anxiety
ethnic sobriety,beacuase no one gives a fuck about propreity
hold him liable for the war across seas, our neck squeezed
from this sudden deathly breeze find myself on my knees
but god still hasn't awnsered,
but with disease my sister has aids my mother cancer
i feel fed up i've took the conditions to the brim,sight of the future is dim
pain in my limbs, the set price of life grim
beacause we all have be conned out of our souls now we burn
armaggedon's here i wait for the devils return


Forum:
As the day turns to night, night to day and vice-versa
can't help but witness the inflation of murders
the replacing of life's basics to squares and burgers
It's not only there that they want to hurt us
The tearing down of schools and the building of prisions
leads to the rise of ignorence and a life not worth living
flood us with drugs, lable us thugs cause we wear our pants saggin
I don't sag mine saggin backwards spells niggas but whose asking
Kids think it's cool to ditch school and get blasted
women play fools, lay wit dudes soon to regret what happened
Children fatherless, unkowledge by love's abolishment
No happy days just nappy braids like slave days followed them
fifth's get copped like rocks and there they go swallowing
now it's drunk fights and arguments from harsh feelings bottled in
After all that has been said some may still be obliging me
Which only varifies the fact of this WITHERED SOCIETY.

LINKS
1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313098

2
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312493

DEEP but dope. props man

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ABSTRACKT

DEEP but dope. props man

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Leave decient feed plz peepz

OMG! Forum's part Owned everything!! XD

Well, both parts were good and truthfully, truth had a better start but towards the end it got scrambled for me, it should've been longer.

As for Forum, that shit was hard. Through the whole read I found myself rushing to see the next line and everything seemed to work together wordwise.

As for the piece in whole, it was dope. I needn't say more.

forum's verse was ridiculous, it was the piece ive seen him write so far.

thanks for the feed even thought only (one from maz) was solid and yeah forum crushed me lol upp

Yeah well, I'm really not hearing Anosthetic right now. Both parts were good and now that I read back over, Truth, you still did well.

Bump

This was an aight om...some minor niggles did dent it though.

Truth
Your verse was good, Visual structure still an issue but flow for majority was fluid. I liked the start in the middle it became lost for big words then it was regained in the closing couplets. The closing couplets were very good i liked the devils return part.

Forum
Your verse was a more matured writers verse however it had some damp and ineffective concepts. I mean the don't bunk school shit is played but the saggin line was good how you flipped the word, clever. Near the ending is where your verse really started to pick up.

Overall
Overall, this was an aight colab but i have to say Truths verse realted to the image more than Forums but Forum still had a good verse no doubt. However, next time link the 2 verse more they didn't link as properly as they could have. Lastly, stay up and keep writing

HONEST VOTE..in case y'all forget lol
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313136

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sonny Yayo

This was an aight om...some minor niggles did dent it though.

Truth
Your verse was good, Visual structure still an issue but flow for majority was fluid. I liked the start in the middle it became lost for big words then it was regained in the closing couplets. The closing couplets were very good i liked the devils return part.

Forum
Your verse was a more matured writers verse however it had some damp and ineffective concepts. I mean the don't bunk school shit is played but the saggin line was good how you flipped the word, clever. Near the ending is where your verse really started to pick up.

Overall
Overall, this was an aight colab but i have to say Truths verse realted to the image more than Forums but Forum still had a good verse no doubt. However, next time link the 2 verse more they didn't link as properly as they could have. Lastly, stay up and keep writing

HONEST VOTE..in case y'all forget lol
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313136

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I feel that! and I thought we'd have a better picture than that but once I seen what he (TRUTH) had found I just ran with it I wanted amore u.s type pic but the one he picked fitted the title more so I just ran with it. thankx for the feed though appreciate it.

thankd 4 feed

Bump

wow this was truly deep.....it was great... i felt what you were sayin and the emotion you tried to portray really came through to me and I felt what you wanted the readers to feel...i appluad you on this, it was dope :)

thanks lol at me suddenly being dope when like 2 weeks ago i sucked ass

BUMP

Uppin to Awaken U sleepers

Quote:

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it know lays limp beside todays society,i feel such anxiety
ethnic sobriety,beacuase no one gives a fuck about propreity

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Lmao for those exact rhymes being in one of my pieces over a year ago! lol just different text around them lol.. good to see that.. cuz the piece where i had that was where i first noticed me 2 change from a noob writer to a decent writer..

Truth... decent writing on this one.. i remember when u first joined u were all noob and shit, and i havent read ur shit since, but mayb a month in a half later, i can tell you elevated alot.. you still have a long way to go but it's a start... your verse displayed a great elevation in vocabulary, and you had very nice descriptive words in it.. multis and rhymes were dece, coulda been better... i saw some good internals in there which was nice to see... the flow was one of your major issues.. but that takes a long time of mastering, and only the best heads on this site rarely achieve it, so that'll take some work... you need to work on your structure, but im not one to harp on that... and the final thing i noticed that your work lacked was metaphoricle speach, you have to use more of that in the future.. kinda simplistic content which also falls because of the lack of metaphorical speech.. all in all dece work and keep elevating

Forum... dece work also.. nothing specail.. but yet.. it wasnt horrible at all. you had some good multis and rhymes in there that i really noticed... the structure and flow was alright, coulda been a bit better... the last 2 lines i think were pretty good.. it had a good impact on the piece in my opinion.. you need to work on your vocab and using more descriptive and metaphorical speech to really elevate your work and show off more intelligence and sophistication.. also it would add on the lack of imagry you had in the piece..

all in all for the both of you.. good work.. Forum if u could hit the link in my sig it would be great... Truth has already.. good work kids and keep up the writing.. i see potential in the future.

Thankx! BUMP.

I don't sag mine saggin backwards spells niggas but whose asking

^^ wtf @ that line? It fucked the whole verse up..

anyways, you both did decent, not good, but barely decent. Truth, basicly, you need to lay off the vocabulary and bring some life to your part. I mean, when I was reading it, it felt like I was looking up words in the dictonary than reading something enjoyable.

No one wants to do that.

Other guy, you had a good verse, but what the hell? you were SOO off topic it wasnt even funny. The picture discribes poverty, hunger, pain, not sagging pants or schools. From what it looks like, its in africa, maybe you should write as if you were in africa, they're too damn poor to make schools, so discribe that. They CANT sag because they dont have pants. c'mon man, you could have done nice, just stay on topic.

anyways, keep writing, and check my piece if you can.
pz

Truth

truth you had some really good multis and imagery going for you, some spelling errors detracted from the piece a little, the main weakness was a lot of your bars werent related to the ones before or after it or internally coherent:

"it know lays limp beside todays society,i feel such anxiety, ethnic sobriety,beacuase no one gives a fuck about propreity"

i feel like you were so focused on the multis that your piece got kindof fragmented and hard to follow thematically

Forum

u kept more to the theme and had a pretty solid flow but nothing none of your imagery struck me as really fresh, also your vocab looked a little basic after truth

the sagging line was pretty original-i liked that

good job both of you, and try to help each other elevate in the weak spots

hit up the OM in my sig if you get a chance

both were dope...keep this shit up

w00t

BUMP

Hello Feeders ! Awaken and leave feed

BUMP

Feed would be appreciated

bumpage...just haven't seen it in a while and noticed how dope it was...and this was before my elevation....WOW!..Truth and I are dope...

lmao we were so young

"but god still hasn't awnsered,
but with disease my sister has aids my mother cancer"

Badly written, don't start 2 consecutive lines with the same word, let alone "but".

Other then that the piece was nicely written, kind of veered off topic a little imo, but still nice.